The other day I was thinking about what almost every man going through marriage problems actually wants... 

What he really wants is to walk into his own home...

and have his wife feel completely comfortable being around him again.

No tension, no emotional distance. No wondering what mood everyone is in.

Just peace.

If that sounds like the marriage you're desperately trying to get back...

Today's video is going to explain why so many good men accidentally push that feeling further away and what you have to do if you want to start getting that feeling back.

LOVE DOESN'T AUTOMATICALLY FEEL SAFE

If love is present in your relationship, why does emotional safety still seem to be missing?

I have been asked this question a bunch of different times by guys, and I find it to be an interesting way to look at things.

The question is valid, but what is important to know is that love and safety aren’t the same experience. 

You can love your family growing up but you may have grown up in a house where when things got stressful there was a lot of short-tempered defensive behavior that you were exposed to.

Maybe it wasn’t full of yelling or abusive, but enough of an environment where you could feel heightened tension. 

Just because you feel that tension does that necessarily mean that you stopped loving your family?

No. But would the house feel peaceful? Probably not.

Both answers can be true at the same time. 

Love really answers the question of “Do I care about you?" , whereas emotional safety is really focusing on what it is like to be around a person or persons.

Those are different questions, and a lot of men get caught up in a place where they don’t know what they are doing wrong because they are judging themselves by their intent. 

But your wife doesn't live inside your intentions.

You can be incredibly sincere in wanting to fix things and be trying hard. 

There are a lot of people with sincere intentions that either are wrong or never follow through.

As Jim Rohn put it, sincerity isn’t a test of truth. You can be sincerely wrong. 

So when she doesn’t live inside your intentions but instead on the experience of being around you, you can have the sincerest of intentions that are focused on all the wrong things.

What she is really evaluating isn’t your sincerity, it’s your credibility. 

This is why I want to challenge something that I hear pretty often.  

You know, I’ve seen many guys get frustrated and question that they don’t understand why their wife still doubts them because they’ve been trying so hard to make things right. 

But if you really think about it, if she has lived with a certain version of you for year after year, is it really reasonable to believe that she should believe this is a real you showing up now?

Like how quickly should she be expected to believe that?

The issue is that most guys believe it should be almost immediately. 

It's simply reality that it is not going to go down like that. 

It doesn’t mean your wife is sitting there being stubborn and looking for reasons to reject your effort, but she is trying to mentally weave through all those previous experiences of you to compare against.

From that you can really start to understand what emotional safety is.

It is much less weight put on what someone says and more about the atmosphere they create.

I think that is a really good way of looking at how most men operate when trying to save their relationship. 

They spend all of their energy trying to improve the weather while completely overlooking the climate.

And this is where it gets interesting because while weather and climate sound the same, they are measured differently. 

SHE LIVES IN YOUR CLIMATE, NOT YOUR WEATHER

If you were thinking about moving somewhere because you don’t like where you live, and you are a big outdoorsy person would you decide where to live based on one sunny afternoon?

I am going to guess you wouldn’t, and say what you would really like to know is what it is like there all year around?

Is it usually warm, how cold does it get in the winter, does it rain often…what is everyday life actually like there?

That is a better understanding of the overall climate.

Nobody builds their life around the weather from one day, they are building it around the climate.

Emotional safety in your relationship is going to be formed the same way. 

One calm conversation...One argument...One thoughtful apology… or even an amazing weekend away together.

Those events are all weather. 

Those moments absolutely matter for positive or negative, but the emotional safety is born through your wife’s experience in the overall climate of your relationship.

If you are showing up with a calm masculine presence who is predictable emotionally (in a good way), that allows her to naturally relax into you. 

If you are unpredictable and fly off the handle, or the communication is always defensive and no validation of her feelings is taking place, she is going to become cautious and it will have a negative impact on emotional safety over time.

What's fascinating is that very few women decide whether they feel emotionally safe during the big moments.

It’s usually decided during moments so ordinary most men don't even realize they're being noticed.

And here’s where almost everyone gets this backwards…

They think emotional safety comes from saying the right things.

CALM CHANGES MORE THAN CONVERSATIONS

If you think about times you have wanted to fix your relationship or make things better, what did you spend an incredible amount of time thinking about?

I know for me, I spent a lot of time thinking about conversations…you know, “what should I say or how do I explain myself better?”

A better question would have been, who is it that is walking into that said conversation?

Because the same sentence spoken by two different men can create two completely different experiences.

That's why emotional safety isn't primarily created by better communication…

And often why couples therapy or counselling doesn’t do anything to help men who are trying to save their marriage or relationship where emotional safety has dissipated and their wife is emotionally disconnected.  

Communication is a piece of the puzzle, definitely, but emotional safety is first and foremost created by a foundation of emotional steadiness.

Your wife isn’t looking for the perfect husband but you need to think about becoming someone whose presence makes life feel lighter instead of heavier. 

BECOME THE SAFEST PLACE IN HER LIFE

Which brings me to where I just want to leave you with a final picture here.

Real human level because life can be very chaotic and challenging sometimes. 

Think about your wife having one of the hardest days she has had in months. 

Whatever it is…work has been overwhelming, the kids have been difficult…

Just one of those time periods where it feels like nothing has gone according to plan. 

She walks through the front door at the end of that really hard day….

Ask yourself one question, when she comes through that door and into your presence, is her emotional load going to become lighter or heavier?

Before you answer that for yourself, understand that it has nothing to do with knowing exactly what to say to her to solve every one of her problems she had during this really tough day.

The question relates to what the overall atmosphere she will experience when she’s with you. 

Will she be able to exist in the environment for a few minutes without worrying about managing your emotions?

I know one of the most common things for men in these situations is dealing with their mood and emotions being totally dictated by how she is. 

If you’re able to allow her to experience her feelings and validate them, without her worrying that your day will be ruined by her mood as well.

That's creating emotional safety.

When your home begins feeling emotionally lighter and she trusts in your ability to make her feel heard and safe without having to solve all of her problems, your relationship can start to change in ways you could have never forced to happen.

If your relationship is struggling and she has told you she doesn’t feel safe, a big part of your transformation is to build up the leadership skills to be able to create consistent moments of feeling peaceful. .

You don’t need to convince your wife that things are changing if her own confirmation bias is  being tested and she is wrestling with really feeling the changes you are bringing. 

The entire point of today’s video is to help you REALLY understand what emotional safety feels like inside a marriage. 

YOUR NEXT STEPS

If today's video gave you more clarity on that but your marriage is really struggling.

I want to invite you to go watch my free masterclass that is linked down in the pinned comment and description box below..

It goes through the path that will give you a transformation to completely change the way you feel and allow you to create the emotional safety and leadership presence she needs for a healthy relationship and to spark that attraction back.

I encourage you to go watch that free masterclass today because the longer you go without taking the proper action will both leave you feeling more frustrated, and her closer to fully believing nothing will ever change. 

And…if you are curious how you create that kind of emotional atmosphere when it feels like you're the only one trying?

Go watch this next video right here.