If you feel like you're doing everything you can to save your marriage… and it’s still getting worse…this might be the exact reason why.

Today’s video is going to challenge the way you think that is actually causing you to do the things that are not getting you the result you want. 

What I'm going to say may feel completely backwards at first but I promise if you are in a struggling rocky relationship this will open your eyes to unlock exactly why you can’t seem to get her to reconnect with you. 

The Moment You Enter “Save Mode”

There is a moment when you’re dealing with a lot of strife in your marriage or relationship where you don’t really notice it or understand how critical it is to the chances of you saving it…but there is this shift in you that happens.

When she starts to do all the usual suspects that men notice: pulling away, saying she needs space, or the worst - the moment divorce actually enters into your conversations.

This is when you can feel something changing inside of you, where you stop being yourself and you really turn into a man in emergency mode.

Think back to all of the unsuccessful relationships in your life that you’ve had. 

At the time they just may seem like they aren’t working out for whatever reasons, but think about when whoever your girlfriend or wife was in those relationships started to pull away or things started to get rough…

You will probably see a pattern that started to unfold with your thought process during those times; I know I did when I look back to all my failed relationships and heartbreak. 

You overanalyze all of the facial expressions she has or how her mood is, and without realizing it, the dial starts turning and you start living in what I call save mode.

When you are in save mode, the only thing on your mind and your entire motive internally becomes:

How do I fix this?

How do I stop losing her?

What should I say?"

And all of a sudden, now you’re not even participating in the relationship anymore. 

You now become David Hasselhoff in Baywatch playing a lifeguard to try and rescue the drowning relationship.  

Now you may hear that and think, yeah… duh… obviously that makes perfect sense, I need to save my marriage so sure, whatever, call me a lifeguard.

On the surface that makes total freakin sense, but emotionally it has such a negative impact on that very goal that most men have no clue about. 

Because when the relationship becomes your sole focus and mission,  you stop feeling like a grounded man, and more like someone who is basing every action out of fear of loss. 

She most likely won’t even be able to understand this either. She won’t articulate it and point it out to you, but all that matters is that she absolutely feels that from you. 

WHY PRESSURE RARELY LOOKS LIKE PRESSURE

And I have had this conversation with so many men in strategy calls where they don’t believe they are doing anything to pressure her.

The common thought is that I'm not yelling at her or making any ultimatums, so I am not trying to pressure her, I am just trying to save our marriage. 

What is misunderstood is that emotional pressure doesn’t have to be loud. 

A lot of the time, the entirety of the pressure can be felt in your energy and how you are approaching this situation with her.

There is an invisible feeling that comes from you that subconsciously communicates that you need her to respond in a certain way and that is the only way you will feel okay again. 

As soon as that becomes your emotional posture, even when you’re not yelling or causing fights, she still feels that your entire world hangs on what she is going through emotionally.

Step back and think about it from that perspective; I know its hard to do because it DOES feel like everything hinges on what she decides, and that feeling is one I know all too well.

But if you look at it from her perspective, you’re now bearing all the responsibility onto her shoulders.

Responsibility for your peace, for your hope, for your healing, and whether this marriage survives.

When she starts feeling responsible for your emotional state, especially when she is going through her own emotional processing, the relationship stops feeling safe.

You can see the gap if you look at it logically. You keep putting pressure through logic (obviously doing things to want to save your marriage), but now she doesn't feel connected to you.

You become a burden to her, and that is a very different experience for her than a connection being rebuilt. 

WHAT SHE ACTUALLY STARTS FEELING

I know you’re not TRYING to feel like a burden, and in your thinking and intentions you really just want to save the relationship…

but the specific feelings that she has when you are in the fear of loss mindset and your actions stem from that are that she feels watched, like every word matters too much.

The actions like over-explaining, trying to get her to talk everything out with you, among other things.

This video is specifically about the mindset you have and how it impacts what you do, but your behavior is what makes it become exhausting for her.

As she is trying to figure out where she is emotionally, she doesn’t feel any freedom inside the relationship, and like the walls are closing in through some type of emotional monitoring by you. 

The real issue that causes this thinking, and the preceding actions to try and save the relationship, is identity.

Right now many men are operating from the identity of:

“The man trying to save his relationship.”

I have worn that cape over and over again in my life, and every single time I got burned and heartbroken. 

See what we don’t realize is that identity creates all the wrong energy.

“That man feels like he’s constantly on edge. Like every interaction matters too much. Like if he says the wrong thing, he loses everything. 

I was that man; approval-seeking and reactive, put those at the top of the list for me.

And chances are, if you are going through this right now, you are a man in that identity as well.  

She can feel when you are trying to preserve the relationship instead of simply becoming the kind of man she can trust again.

That is why changing actions alone often does not work. Women do not just respond to behavior.

The key to women is understanding that they respond to the emotional state underneath all the behavior.

That is where the real shift has to happen in order for her to reconnect again.

So what identity do you have to start to embody if you want to create that shift in her emotional state underneath?

THE IDENTITY SHE RESPONDS TO

Well you have to look at it like this. 

There is a difference between the you that is trying to keep your wife, and the you that is rebuilding himself to be a better version for himself, which ultimately impacts your relationship.

You may be thinking, well yeah obviously I know I have been slacking in the relationship for a while or been complacent, so if I’m trying to keep my wife that inherently means I should be better myself as well.

Yes and no…because if your energy is strictly focused on keeping your wife and saving the relationship, that is focused on her (even if part of it means you get a bit better). 

BUT, if your energy is focused on really rebuilding yourself FIRST, that focus is directly on who you are becoming. 

See those two are not the same energy. 

The first man needs reassurance and is trying to avoid loss. 

The second man creates safety and is really building strength. 

And ironically, the you who stops making the relationship your center is MORE often than not the man who saves his relationship. 

I know, it sounds ridiculous but I promise you it is not because I have lived it and see the other side, and so have my clients.

You have to think about everything that isn’t working for you right now, and think where your focus has been this entire time. 

But if you are willing to become the man that her emotions connect to again, because you’re no longer asking her or the relationship to hold you up emotionally, this completely flips the emotional dynamic. 

She will feel that presence way before she believes any promises of change and “things will be better”. 

If you know how attraction works, you will understand that attraction really has nothing to do with how much effort you’re putting in, and it won’t return just because you’re trying harder to save it 

Working smarter not harder is a real thing when it comes to reconnecting with your wife to prevent divorce, but the hard work you have to focus on is on yourself first. 

MOST MEN RESIST THIS COUNTERINTUITIVE TRUTH

The hardest truth in all of this is actually pretty simple.

You do not rebuild a relationship by trying to pull her back when she is pulling away.

You rebuild your relationship by becoming the you that no longer needs to. 

This doesn’t mean you don’t CARE to rebuild your relationship, that is not what “not needing to” means. 

It means your caring about the future of the relationship has to stop coming from a place of fear. 

Because that fear is like a carbon monoxide leak to your marriage. You may not think the fear is there because you have true intentions to save your relationship, but if it hangs around too long undetected it will be lethal to the marriage.

The reason many men never get past this point and end up down the road to divorce is because being willing to change your identity to what truly works to save your marriage can feel terrifying.

If you've built your emotional world around saving the relationship,  then stepping out of save mode can feel like you’re giving up.

It can feel reckless or dangerous, and like if you stop trying, you’re going to lose her for good. 

But often the deeper truth is this:

You're not losing her because you stopped trying, but you’re losing her because she can feel how desperately you are trying. 

There is an important distinction that matters there; desperation and devotion are not the same thing.

That is why it isn’t about how hard you’re working to save the marriage, if all that extra effort is carrying the wrong emotional weight that gets tossed onto her shoulders. 

WHO ARE YOU GOING TO BE?

So let’s take a look at who you really have to start being if you want to save your marriage, then we will wrap today’s video up. 

You really have to stop thinking from a place of “how do I save this?”, and turn your focus to “Who do I need to become regardless of what happens?”

And I know there is going to be pushback because of what I talked about earlier, this fear that if you shift to that thinking you’re worried it seems like you're giving up. 

But I cannot stress enough how important it is that you make this shift, because looking at it from the place of who you need to become regardless, that question changes your posture.

The entire goal for you right now when it comes to successfully saving your marriage is to ultimately break down the confirmation bias she has built up about you from everything that has gone on in your relationship. 

The only way to do that, is to have her experience you differently. 

So when you change your posture to one that is no longer chasing an outcome AND combine that with building up your leadership skills for the relationship, she WILL experience you differently. 

Her nervous system doesn’t feel the weight of you being dependent on her decisions about the relationship anymore. 

Instead of destroying emotional safety, you’re able to take this new posture and rebuild the foundation, and that re-opens her emotions for connection with you again. 

And unfortunately most men just never figure this out. 

IS THIS YOU RIGHT NOW?

After watching this, be honest with yourself, do you see a lot of the similar patterns in thinking that are not getting you anywhere, and things probably feel like they are getting worse?

I know I had to look in the mirror and ask myself the tough questions after my ex-fiance broke my heart and I was in the same pattern of thinking trying to get her back. 

I had to do an audit and came to the realization that a big part of the problem was the way I was operating from fear, and it wasn’t the first time in my life. 

It was the same pattern over and over with my failed relationships over a decade. 

If you're stuck in that pattern right now, and you’ve looked in the mirror and said yeah man, I really need to make a change, that is exactly what I help men understand inside my free Relationship Rebuild masterclass.

Most men are stubborn and will continue trying to fix the marriage or relationship (or just start blaming her and living in resentment) instead of changing the man inside the marriage.

I will tell you that once I stopped doing what most men do, my life completely changed forever; same for my clients when they took that first step of watching the free masterclass and then believed in themselves enough to enroll into the Relationship Rebuild coaching program. 

So if you want to watch that free training, the link is in the description and pinned comment below. 

If this video hit home for you, watch this next video right here, because I break down why trying to be a better husband can actually make things worse..