If your marriage is struggling right now and you want it to be better, you’ve likely looked up things you can do to be a better husband.

You are trying to be more helpful around the house, you are being more agreeable, but you probably notice that things still don’t seem like they’re getting better, and you’re thinking to yourself:

 “If I’m objectively trying to do more now as a husband than I ever have, why does it feel like the marriage is getting worse?”

So in this video, I am going to break down why just being a better husband often backfires when you’re trying to fix your marriage, and show you what you have to focus on FIRST in order to get your wife to reconnect with you and care about how good a husband you are trying to be.

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THE “BETTER HUSBAND” TRAP

So I want to talk about why it is such an easy trap to fall into when you’re trying to revive your relationship after your wife has started to become more and more emotionally disconnected. 

You're human, you have responsibilities like working hard in your job, and trying to be a good parent if you have kids, so it is natural that things can start to get a bit complacent in your marriage where everything just starts to feel like going through the daily motions of dealing with all those other responsibilities. 

Over this period of time where things seem dull and repetitive, there is probably a higher chance of getting into conflict with her, and if you are not leading her in a masculine way, what happens is an emotional disconnect starts to take place on her end. 

This is different for all women in terms of the speed of it, but gradually her emotions are getting disconnected.

So naturally, when you realize this and the marriage has been rocky, you want to put your effort into changing that, you make a decision to try and be a better husband. 

What that usually means is, you are going to do more of what you believe a good partner should do. So you help out around the house and take initiative with chores, avoid conflict and try to be incredibly accommodating to her (almost doting)

On paper, these are all good positive things to want to do. And when a marriage has a healthy connection, these things contribute to a sustainable healthy happy marriage.  

But, the problem is, when she is already down the path of emotional withdrawal, these actions actually do nothing to rebuild connection.

Because she is not evaluating effort the way you are, she isn’t asking if you’re doing more. She is actually trying to figure out if she feels emotionally relaxed around you, and led by you. 

And that question has very little to do with chores and effort.

Just being accommodating and helping with chores, while still not being in your masculine center as a leader, quietly ACCELERATES the loss of attraction, trust, and safety.

You might be thinking, but she gets mad at me when I don’t take out the trash or take the chicken out of the freezer to thaw for dinner, so why would me helping out MORE around the house (essentially doing what she has asked of me) not help get us closer together and make her happier?

WHY DOING MORE DOESN’T FIX EMOTIONAL DISCONNECTION

And the answer to that is, you’re solving the wrong problem.

Even if you are solving THAT problem REALLY REALLY well, it doesn’t help you get closer, and actually will cause you to drift further apart.

Emotional disconnection is not a task problem, and it is also not necessarily a communication problem (although poor communication will contribute to it). 

At its core, emotional disconnection is a STATE.

When she emotionally disconnects, she is not thinking through a list of improvements you need to make, or a checklist of tasks you haven’t done lately.

She is responding to how it feels to be with you. All she cares about, knowingly or not, is how you make her feel.

When you respond to that disconnection by becoming hyper-attentive, hyper-corrective, or hyper-helpful, she often feels emotional pressure.

Because on top of her emotions disconnecting from you, your extra help and attentiveness is adding more pressure to feel better about you. 

Men get frustrated and truly think, like, “how could me doing more to support her, possibly be pushing her away further?

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SUPPORT AND COMPENSATION

Well, a very important distinction that is so often missed is that there is a big difference between supporting a relationship and compensating for emotional distance.

When you’re giving support to a relationship, it comes from a place of steadiness and calmness, and most importantly, doesn’t require any acknowledgement.

Compensation is anxious and reactive. It tells her that you need reassurance and the emotional distance makes you incredibly uncertain.

When you are supporting the relationship, your actions come from who you are.

When you are compensating, your actions come from what you are afraid of losing.

That is the big difference I was talking about, and she can feel that difference immediately, even if she cannot explain it in words.

She feels whether your behavior is grounded or motivated. And if it is motivated, it’s going to be by fear, and that creates more and more tension for her instead of safety. 

That is why, even when you’re trying hard, she will tell you that things feel forced. 

And that can be a devastating thing for you to hear, because her saying that makes it feel like she is purposely punishing you for trying.

But what she is responding to is the emotional energy behind your trying, and that energy is from fear and panic. 

THE RENOVATION

Think of it this way. Imagine living in a house while someone is constantly renovating it. 

Walls are being knocked down. Rooms are being rearranged. Plans are being explained. Promises are being made about how amazing it will be when it’s finished.

Even if the renovation is well-intentioned…Even if the end result might be beautiful…

Living inside that house would feel exhausting.

You wouldn’t know where to sit. It feels like it would never end and you wouldn’t know when it would finally feel stable again.

That is what it feels like when you start to panic and do all these different actions, basically renovating your effort inside the relationship when her emotional environment isn’t stabilized first.  

The marriage becomes a construction zone, which is relaxing for nobody. She can’t relax because of the pressure being added as you’re trying more and more things for reconnection. 

“BETTER” OFTEN FEELS LESS SAFE

The truth is, your wife doesn’t need you to become a better husband right now, in the sense of going all out doing extra chores and whatnot.

She needs you to become a solid leader of the relationship..

Solid means:

• You are not monitoring her reactions constantly.
  
  
• You are not adjusting yourself to earn her approval thinking it will create safety.
  
  
• And you are not negotiating your identity based on her mood.
  
  

If you try to be this better husband while the emotional environment for her is not safe, and your own emotions are fueled by your fear of loss, it’s going to come off as unconfident and outcome seeking. 

That almost always ends in a way you’re not going to like. 

When you’re taking all these steps to try and win her back through being a better husband, even if her complaints about you not doing some of those very tasks you’re trying to put more effort into now, you’re creating more emotional responsibility on her to be appeased by your effort.

That kills desire. 

BUT SHE SAID SHE WANTED MORE

This is where men get angry and confused. 

I used to get so mad during my decade of relationship disaster, because I would get told this laundry list of stuff I was not doing as a man in the relationship, and she would take her frustrations out on me when I would try to put in some effort to do those things.

I was at my wits end thinking: “she told me she wanted more effort”, “ she told me I needed to change”, and nothing was getting better when I tried.

I did not know at the time that it was all about providing her relief from tension and emotional unpredictability, and being the masculine leader.

She didn’t care about chores and things of that nature (at least that isn’t at the forefront). 

THE CORE MISUNDERSTANDING 

What I want you to take away from this is, you are not a bad guy for wanting to take some responsibility and do more around the house or be a better husband. 

But, please pay attention to this, it can make or break saving your relationship:

When your relationship is struggling and it feels like she is so disconnected from you emotionally, it doesn’t matter how much you show her you care about her.

That is not going to make her come back and get reconnected to you. Emotional disconnection does not respond to demonstration.

The only thing she cares about (whether she knows it or not) is how you make her feel; more specifically, how much emotional safety and how contained the emotional environment is that you create.

And containment means: you can hold yourself together emotionally, you are not leaking fear through effort, and you are not asking her to validate your change.

That is a big part of leadership in your relationship.

Do You REALLY Want To Be Better?

If you’re watching this and realizing that you have been working really hard and putting in more effort to try and save your relationship, yet nothing is really improving other than your skills doing things around the house, I don’t want you to feel hopeless.

You’ve unfortunately been trying really hard to solve the wrong problem, but you are not broken.

This is exactly why I put together my free masterclass, because you are definitely not alone in what you’re experiencing in terms of the frustration of wanting to fix things in your relationship, but not getting the results. 

I invite you to go watch the free Relationship Rebuild masterclass because in it, I break down the entire blueprint to what truly matters in saving your marriage. 

I walk you through the step-by-step pillars that give you the ability to time collapse learning how to be the masculine leader that she is really wanting you to be. 

So go to the link in the description and watch the free masterclass today so you can stop the guesswork. I promise you, if you’re willing, it can change your life forever.  

If this video opened your eyes to what has been going wrong, and given you newfound hope that you can actually turn things around in your relationship, give the like button a tap and subscribe to the channel. 

I will see you in the next video.