You just had another argument with your wife…And now things feel off.

There is tension, she’s distant…

And now you’re sitting there thinking…Is she going to still be mad at me… Do I go try to talk to her again and fix things immediately? 

Well before you do that, you need to realize that what you do next matters more than the argument itself.

Because most guys don’t lose their relationship because of the argument, they start to lose it in what they do after it. 

So in this video today I am going to break down what you should be doing after you had an argument with your wife so that you rebuild your connection with her instead of making things worse long term…

And stay to the very end of this video because I am not only going to help you with how to talk to her after an argument, I will give you the key to making sure you never end up in an argument with her ever again.

IS IT ALL ABOUT COMMUNICATION?

Most men think arguments are a communication problem…and to a certain degree, that is true. 

There is obviously a right and wrong way to communicate, and if you improve those skills, your relationship (along with the rest of your life) will be better long term.

However, arguments aren’t necessarily caused by communication issues. It can make them worse, but is not the cause. 

So the problem is, you may be sitting there in your mancave after an argument and you’re pretty annoyed or frustrated, whatever emotion you have. 

But then you start to reflect on the conversation (or argument)  and you replay it in your head; and you come to the conclusion “wait a minute.. I don’t think I explained myself well enough… she kept misunderstanding what I was trying to say and getting more mad at me, and I kept getting more frustrated.”

“I just need to get her to talk it through properly again…explain my side a bit more clearly and we’ll be fine.”

Oh, and, probably apologize for my part in the argument. 

Let me know in the comments if that sounds like I am in the ballpark with what you experience with your significant other…Because it sounds eerily familiar to me and what I experienced for over a decade.  

What you have to realize is, on her end, that is not at all what is going on. 

After the conflict, she’s not sitting there logically analyzing your words and being like “yeah, you know what he made a great point about XYZ, his explanation actually WAS valid…lets go ride off into the sunset now”.

She isn’t even in the same galaxy as that thought…

She’s focused on something much deeper than that. She’s reflecting on how you made her feel during the interaction.

She replays the energy behind your words and isn’t asking if you explained yourself well enough.

What she is really asking is, does she feel emotionally safe with you right now?

Safe doesn’t mean “nice.” or agreeing with her side of things, it means were you grounded or did you feel reactive in the argument?

Did you feel centered to her, or were you trying to control the outcome and really get your point across without even listening to her?

And this is what leads us into the big mistake that most men make, and one that I struggled with for so long in my life. 

Because yes, it is not great to be in the argument in the first place, but what happens after the argument is one of the biggest contributors to her pulling away and her emotional safety being further damaged.

WHY TALKING IT OUT MAKES IT WORSE 

For the longest time in my life, I would essentially be doubling down. 

Not only did I struggle in the regular conversations by turning them into arguments, because I was reactive and would always be so focused on trying to explain my points of view (where she would get upset and I would get more frustrated)…

But after the argument, I would want to squash what happened, because I really dislike conflict, and I would also feel bad because I made her upset.

The problem was (and take into account during this decade of my life where I kept having failed relationships, I would do this with each woman - the one constant was me)...

The problem was I would essentially climb right back into the lion's den, where she was still emotionally charged, to try and talk things out immediately.

My thought process was I really wanted to clear things up…and I wanted to apologize for making her upset and not leave things like they were…

But do you know what would happen…

It would start off okay and I would apologize and she might engage a little, the conversation would start again, and I slowly turn the conversation into trying to explain again what I really meant. 

How do you think that went over?

So not only was I trying to resolve something while she’s still emotionally reacting to it, I led the conversation down the road of solution mode and here let me just clearly explain what went wrong. 

The reality is, I would keep making this same mistake over and over no matter the relationship, because I didn’t understand how differently she was experiencing conflict. 

I just kept thinking they were being unreasonable and punishing me, because the things I was saying made perfect logical sense. 

I was clueless about the emotional processing aspect of the feminine side. 

THE 3 PHASE MODEL 

So learning what I know now, aside from not doubling-down on trying to explain logically my side of the argument, it is important to give her a bit of space so she can emotionally process what happened.

And that is a key component of this 3 phase model that you should follow if you want to lead better in your relationship, and find yourself sitting after an argument wondering what you should do to not make it worse with her.

PHASE 1: REGULATE (Don’t React)

What you have to start with is phase 1, being able to regulate yourself and not react. 

You’re not trying to regulate her (because she is obviously going to have an emotional aspect), you’re not trying to regulate the situation, you have to regulate yourself. 

Because right after an argument…your instinct more often than not is to react.

You feel tension, uncertainty, and in my example I gave, you feel bad and your mind immediately goes to “fix it now”.

But if you move from that place of tension and you’re unsettled by what happened, and THEN try to get her back into a conversation to fix things, you’re probably going to end up like I did over and over, making things a lot worse by getting back into the same frustrated explanation pattern. 

If you can’t stay calm after conflict… she can’t feel safe coming back.

So regulate yourself first because your emotion + her guaranteed emotion is a recipe for repeat disaster. 

PHASE 2: CREATE SPACE (Without Withdrawal)

Okay, phase 2…I eluded to this earlier, but you have to create some space for her without completely withdrawing. 

As I mentioned, because you had an argument that may have turned into a bad fight, she is going to be emotionally charged on the other end and there is a high percentage chance you made her feel completely unsafe and unheard. 

If you try to reconnect immediately without letting the dust settle a bit, you’re going to get what I always ended up getting. 

You’re going to add pressure on her to resolve the situation when she is feeling a certain type of way about you and her experience with you right now. 

That is going to make her either pull away, or just get into another conflict with you. 

You have to allow her nervous system to settle down and let her process her emotions for a bit to make any re-engagement to settle the matter possible.

By the way, her processing her emotions and settling down doesn’t mean that the bit of space will make her less upset at you, but you need to let the emotional charge from the moment dissipate a bit. 

You have to allow things to breathe a little.

Because when her nervous system settles down, she no longer feels the same need to defend herself or pull away from you. 

PHASE 3: RE-ENGAGE PROPERLY

Okay that brings us to phase 3, and this is where I have great experience in doing the mistake of trying to rush.

In phase 3, you want to re-engage with her properly. 

When you’ve done the first two phases right (first regulating yourself, then allowing for some space for her nervous system to settle), it becomes more natural. 

When you re-engage…you don’t come in trying to win, you don’t come in trying to prove your point again, and you don’t come in trying to fix everything post haste. .

You have to come in grounded with a calm tone.

Leave the assumptions at the door, and don’t put any added pressure on her. 

And the mindset is this: you’re not trying to win… you’re trying to understand her  without losing yourself.

HOW TO ACTUALLY TALK TO HER

Now let’s make this more practical for you.

When you make it to phase 3 and you start talking with her, how do you actually do it in a way that doesn’t make things worse?

First:

Know that you don’t need perfect words. You need the right tone… and the right intention.

And that starts with this principle: “Say less… observe more.”

I know this is overused, but god gave you two ears and 1 mouth for a reason, and most men talk too much in these moments to get back into justifications and trying to cover every angle. 

But the more you talk…the more you’re going to go back down the rabbit hole of explaining your side instead of observing, and it will be very hard for you to recover from.

So instead…shut up and listen to her… listen to her with the intent of understanding her.

And when it is your chance to speak, you slow it down, keep it grounded, and ask her thoughtful open-ended questions where she can express emotionally (remember I said leave the assumptions at the door).

Your goal is not to reengage with her and do an interrogation… you want to invite her to reconnect and clear the air.

.

There’s a difference.

Interrogation feels like asking her: “Why did you do that?”  “Why are you reacting like this?”

The invitation sounds like: “Help me understand what that felt like for you.”

Like I said, you’re not assuming and you’re not accusing her of anything.

You’re simply opening the door and letting her speak. You don’t jump in to respond, you reflect. 

But don’t be robotic about reflecting, do it in a grounded way where you actually give a crap what she is sharing with you. 

You can reflect to her and say things like:

“So what I’m hearing is…”.. And repeat the core thing she said and how she said it made her feel.

OR

You can say ““That felt frustrating for you because…” and same thing, repeat the gist of what she said and how she expressed how it made her feel.

This shows that you’re actually listening, and allowing her to express her feelings …and this is the key, WITHOUT trying to solution it right away. 

You could literally have the greatest solution in the history of all solutions to the issue at hand, but if you don’t make her feel validated and heard, that solution is worthless.

Reflect back her feelings to her so that it shows understanding and make sure there is no urgency, no pressure to resolve everything in one conversation.

When you do that, your outcome is going to be much more positive because she will respond to you differently. 

THE WAY TO NEVER ARGUE AGAIN

Now that brings us to something that is even more important than what I just shared with you about how to properly show up after an argument with her. 

That is a transformation you need to make that will literally give you the skill that dramatically changes how conflict happens in your marriage. 

And that doesn’t mean you just shut down and avoid arguments, and it certainly doesn’t mean you need PERFECT communication.

The secret to what really makes a relationship work really well is being a man who leads emotionally.

This means, it’s not that you’re avoiding arguments, it’s that they don’t happen because you don’t lose yourself in her emotions and that prevents them from even happening in the first place. 

So how do you do that?

You have to develop the skill of being a grounded leader; when you do this it completely changes the game for your relationship, and your peace to be honest. 

There’s no two ways about it, you are going to run into moments where your wife is being more emotional in conversations or situations, but when you understand that she is generally not being irrational, and it is a normal experience in feminine energy, you can utilize this knowledge to not react at all.

As part of being a grounded leader with self-respect, you will make sure you have healthy boundaries and enforce them where required.

So if you are validating her emotional experience and making her feel heard, but for whatever reason she is being more rude to you in that conversation, you calmly tell her that you understand how she feels but you won’t be continuing the conversation until she is able to speak nicely to you. 

Right there, you are not arguing with her, you’re not trying to prove any point or explain with logic, you are simply setting a boundary - but the key is to actually enforce it.

Because you may say something like that and she will be emotionally charged and retort with something to poke at you; it is there where you CANNOT react and get pulled into it. 

And when you do this consistently, you’re changing the way her nervous system responds to you. 

Whether you believe it or not, this is how attraction is built because you’re not going to be walked all over, and you’re not going to become emotionally charged right back at her in the face of her emotions.

You are setting the standard in the relationship and she will have increased respect for you, and that increased respect is what fuels attraction. 

Do this, have discipline to work on developing your leadership skills and combine them with appropriate communication with her, and yes you will never argue again.

You can disagree without spiraling into emotional chaos every time. 

It is a great place to be in, and it isn’t a fairytale no matter what anybody tells you.

IF NOTHING IS GETTING BETTER

If you’re watching this video you are having constant arguments with your wife, and things don’t seem to be getting better

You need structure and a way to understand what’s actually happening fast, because if you’re in these arguments all the time and you notice your wife becoming more and more distant overall, you are running the risk of her disconnecting emotionally under the surface.

And once that happens, you could be in a situation where you’re going to be blindsided by her all of a sudden talking about separation or possible divorce…

So don’t make the mistake of sitting on your hands thinking things will magically get better. I am telling you, from the experience of myself many times, and that of my clients, don’t brush it off.

Go watch the free masterclass linked  in the pinned comment and description below that breaks down a very clear framework for how to rebuild connection with your wife.

It absolutely works and will change your life, if you’re serious about turning things around.

And if you want to know why your reaction is making things worse if you notice your wife pulling away, go watch this video right here next.