Imagine waking up tomorrow morning and not feeling like every single conversation with your wife is deciding the future of your marriage.

Imagine knowing exactly what to focus on instead of constantly wondering whether you should text her, leave her alone, apologize again, or somehow convince her to stay.

That's exactly what I'm going to help you do in today's video, because the moment your wife says she wants a divorce, your job changes completely... and understanding that shift could make all the difference in what happens next.

THOUGHT OF DIVORCE TAKES OVER

When there becomes the chance that divorce may actually be a real possibility for you, it can feel like it just consumes your entire world and takes over. 

It becomes very easy for every single other thing in your life to basically be non-existent. 

You essentially stop living your life and just live completely inside the divorce (or possibility of divorce). 

Everything in your life is now filtered through this thought process that involves potential divorce and you really start to feel less and less like yourself. 

If you’re in this position where your wife is seriously considering divorce, then obviously things have not been going great in your relationship long before this.

So now that this next level of potential divorce has been added into the mix, your emotional state becomes very volatile and most of your time becomes consumed by either guilt or trying to figure out what the hell you can do to fix it. 

Even if you are at work, you may put on a brave face for co-workers but internally it is just this feeling of a clock running out very quickly. 

You really just feel like you are in a survival mode…

Because of being in survival mode, fear starts to become the loudest voice in your mind and because of THAT, it then becomes the loudest voice in your behavior as well. 

A lot of the decisions you start to make feel like a last ditch effort to really just make today’s fear go away. 

That is a big trap that you may already be in, because once your wife says she wants a divorce, almost every decision starts becoming about trying to influence her next reaction.

And this is where things can change for you if you realize that fear is a terrible compass to follow.

FEAR IS A TERRIBLE COMPASS

Let me give you an analogy, and stay with me because it is really important to understand and simplify what is going on.

Think about hiking through a huge forest and at first you know exactly where you're going.

You’ve got your compass (because there is no satellite service or GPS available) and you have your physical map.

You feel pretty good, you’re calm and enjoying nature. 

Then suddenly… you realize you're lost.

You do a bunch of turns trying to get your bearings but all the trees are starting to look pretty similar and panic starts to set in a bit.

That sinking feeling and the hair on your neck goes up a bit. 

You hear a noise off to your left and you head that direction, a few minutes later you think you hear water behind you so you start heading down that way.

You think you see what might be a trail so you run back towards that. 

Before long you're exhausted.

Not because you've stopped moving...you have been moving in a panic this entire time.

You’re exhausted because you've stopped moving with direction and fear has taken over.

And this is the interesting part…

The forest didn't become more dangerous because you got scared.

It just felt more dangerous and put you in a panic because fear stopped you from trusting the compass that would actually lead you out.

That is what happens when divorce rears its ugly head into the conversation of so many marriages. 

You may have already started down the path of trying to grow and be a better man, but as soon as the big D word got mentioned you abandon that plan (or throw away your compass) because you start chasing whatever immediate thing might reduce today’s anxiety.

You keep running toward whatever looks like the quickest way to make the fear disappear.

The problem is... your marriage will not be rebuilt by chasing relief, rather it will be rebuilt by moving consistently in the right direction. 

Even when you can't immediately see the outcome. And that is a difficult pill to swallow for most people, because chasing certainty feels very attractive and at the forefront when you’re hurting. 

You want someone to tell you, "Do these three things, or send this 4 text messages sequence and she'll change her mind."

I really wished relationships worked that way.

For you to be able to breathe again, you have to stop carrying the impossible burden of trying to manufacture one breakthrough conversation that will turn everything around. 

TALE OF TWO HUSBANDS

I want to give you the tale of two husbands. They are very different guys.

Husband A wakes up and the first thing he thinks (in an understandable panic, by the way), he thinks "how do I stop my wife from divorcing me?"

Husband B, however…he wakes up and thinks "who is my wife experiencing today?"

It cannot be overstated how important the difference between those two questions are, and how they will lead to completely different lives. 

Husband A will spend his day in a panic chasing outcomes. 

He's constantly going to be wondering whether she's happier, whether she's more hopeful, whether today's conversation went well enough, whether she's changing her mind.

Notice that husband A is always putting his attention on her.

Husband B, well he is living a totally different experience. 

He is paying attention to something else entirely.

He's asking himself, "if my wife experienced me today exactly the way she did yesterday... would that actually move this marriage forward?"

That's a much harder question, but it's also a much more productive one when it comes to saving your marriage. 

And that is because your wife already knows what it's like to be married to the old version of you.

She's lived that experience for years, and I can tell you there is something (or multiple things) about that experience that has massively contributed to the disconnection in your relationship to get to this point. 

You have to build the skills so that she starts experiencing someone she hasn't experienced before.

That's where hope begins to grow, because we naturally pay attention when reality starts contradicting expectations. 

And her expectations based on evidence of the same experience over and over again previously with you  is what you have to break down over time. 

IT’S MORE THAN JUST ONE MOMENT

You are not going to be able to change the course of how your wife feels because you manufactured one really good moment. 

It’s not going to be built through just one conversation, or apology, or romantic gesture. 

Those solo acts are not going to make her stop and think she has changed her mind. 

I understand why so much of the common friends and family advice is built around simple solutions like that, and that we as men want to believe that is all we have to do. 

Movies have trained us to believe relationships are rebuilt through dramatic moments.

Even worse, movies have trained MOST of society that it works this way, so (as I mentioned) the advice we often get from people who love us and genuinely want to help, is completely inadequate at best and most often absolutely the wrong things. 

Think about how your best friend became one of the people you trust the most in this world.

You probably wouldn't tell one amazing story of something that happened.

You would actually probably tell A LOT of amazing stories.

The years of consistency between you two and how they always showed up and kept their word.

How they responded when things didn’t go well and how they were there for you during the difficult seasons. 

All that trust and mutual admiration was not created in a singular moment.

It was an accumulation. 

That's exactly why I believe firmly in the premise that rebuilding a marriage isn't about creating impressive moments.

You have to create a different everyday experience for your wife. 

And I don’t mean create a different EACH day, I mean a different everyday you that has been showing up everyday for years. 

If you commit to growing as a man and as a leader, and you start showing up in these ordinary everyday events as that new man…

If you truly show up like that consistently, eventually your wife can't help but notice that life with you feels different.

That's a much stronger foundation than trying to create one unforgettable weekend, or an incredible week-long luxury vacation to Mexico (which I found out does not work when having my engagement called off right after I tried doing that to mend things). 

And this next part is really what you’ve been waiting to hear…

ARE YOU HEADED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION

How do you know it is working; how do you get that reassurance that you are making headway?

Well you first have to not be measuring your progress by what reactions she is giving you because that is not a good way to measure whether you’re growing as a man and leader.

If your confidence rises and falls every time your wife has a good day or a bad day, then your emotional state is still being controlled by her emotional state.

This will start to put enormous pressure on every interaction because you're constantly looking for proof that your efforts are working.

You are basically setting yourself up to derail yourself from your growth.

Instead, I'd encourage you to begin measuring your growth based on if you’re more emotionally mature than you were yesterday.

GIVE YOUR WIFE A NEW EXPERIENCE

Remember I told you that your wife already knows what it is like to be married to the version of you that existed before.

The biggest hurdle that hits men like a Mack truck is trying to get over the fact that even being so well intentioned and providing for the family, their situation can end up like this.

Honestly, even if this was taught in school most people probably wouldn’t be able to follow through with the skills because they are very counterintuitive. 

That is why it is so helpful to have a guide that has done it before and helped other men turn that corner and walk that journey to transform into a better man.

The guys who will never change and will never experience that high level of an amazing happy marriage are the ones who always push back and start to blame her as well.

Or say it’s not fair, why should I have to change.

Anybody in that victim state who will blame circumstances or her for what is happening will always get the same output as their input.

It is the men who I love working with that were just like me when I struggled for so long with heartbreak.

They realized whatever they are doing is not working, but even more importantly, bought into the fact that there is a real path to turn things around and build up that confidence again.

Look at Thomas Merton’s great quote that said “"The more you try to avoid suffering, the more you suffer... The one who does most to avoid suffering is, in the end, the one who suffers most."

I know it is painful and scary when your world gets turned upside down, but instead of avoiding suffering it is okay to get help. 

But only you can make that decision for yourself to commit to growing and learn all the skills to become a guy who doesn't become emotionally reactive every time things get difficult.

A guy who genuinely learns to understand where feminine emotions are coming from and listens to his wife because he wants to make her feel heard, not because you want to collect information to defend yourself.

When you commit to taking that path to reset and really transform your approach (that clearly has not been working if you are watching this video), that is a step that most people won’t do but I promise you the ones who do change what happens from this day forward in their life. 

FIRST STEP IS WATCHING THE FREE MASTERCLASS 

So if divorce has come up in your conversations and you really feel lost, go and watch my free Relationship Rebuild masterclass.

It will show you the step-by-step path that actually works to transform the way you are feeling, showing up, and how your wife experiences you.

This is what allows for her to start feeling connected to you again because you are doing things you have no clue were necessary to make her feel the attraction for you.

Do not just sit around and think maybe things will get better. I know it feels really hopeless and painful because it feels like it came out of nowhere, but I am telling you there is a path out, and the first step is to go watch my free masterclass.

You can go sign up and watch it right now by clicking the link in the pinned comment or description box below. 

If you’re not totally convinced yet but this video opened your eyes a bit thinking maybe you can still save your marriage if she said she wants out, then go and watch this video next right here.