Getting your wife to move back home might actually be the wrong thing to focus on right now.

Because even if she agreed to come back tomorrow, you could still end up right back in the same marriage crisis a week later.

So before you make getting her home your entire plan, there’s a very important question you need to answer first. And that’s exactly what we’re going to talk about today.

WHAT DID SHE ACTUALLY LEAVE?

Obviously if she has moved out, it is going to feel like a MAJOR change in your everyday life. 

Quieter around the house and just this eerie feeling of something that was there so long just being missing, her as long as whatever she brought to make up the environment of your home. 

But before you decide what to do next, I want you to look carefully at what you actually know.

Has your wife said she wants time living apart because the conflict between you has become overwhelming? 

Has she explicitly told you that she doesn’t know whether she wants to remain married to you?

Is it as far along as her mentioning she intends to file for divorce or has already begun that process?

Those are different situations overall, even though they can all involve her packing her belongings and moving out. 

So whichever situation you find yourself in that has triggered her to make that decision to leave the house for now, what you need to do is stop letting the physical move tell you more than it really tells you in actuality.

When you see her part of the closet missing most, if not all, of her clothes, and her shoes gone from the front door, there is clearly no avoiding seeing and feeling that isn’t living there anymore. 

What you cannot do is turn that into thinking her missing belongings give you access to every thought she has about the marriage, or that they are 100% the indicator as to what her final decision about the marriage will be months from now. 

You may wish you had that certainty to just be clear one way or another, but you truly don’t at this point in time.

What you can begin to understand is why sharing a home became so difficult for her and everything reached this point in the first place.

You need to understand what made life together so difficult that she made a very challenging and painful decision to make such a change to her life. 

To get to this point, you probably have a number of conversations and arguments, and probably fights, but you still may not have every answer as to why she moved out. 

Your wife may not have explained her reasons clearly (or in a way that you truly understood what she was trying to say), and there may be parts of the marriage that both of you would need to address. 

You are responsible for examining your part in why things have gotten to this point, but you cannot single-handedly explain or repair everything that happened between two people.

Still… there’s a question worth asking yourself:

If your wife shot you a text, or called you up and said, you know what… I am going to come home next Friday, what would actually be different when she walked back in through the door?

Not what would you promise her in that moment because you are now excited she has decided to come back home….

But what would actually be different about the way the two of you live together?

Because that brings us to the plan I have seen a lot of guys become very focused on after their wife moves out.

Which is, do anything and everything they can to convince her to come home.

GETTING HER HOME ISN’T A COMPLETE PLAN

So let's look at that scenario a little bit deeper.

Your wife calls you up tonight and says she has been thinking, and maybe it’s time she comes back. 

Now…if your wife has moved out and you’ve been trying to reconcile and save your marriage,  I know how much you would want to hear those words.

Hearing those words might help you feel like you could finally sleep properly again. 

You might immediately start figuring out how to help her move her things back, and may even want to tell the kids that things are getting better between you and mom and things are going to be okay. 

Look, I am not saying that hearing your wife express interest in coming home shouldn't give you a burst of happy feelings, because it can be a very meaningful development. 

But… I’d want you to be careful about what you assume has happened.

To illustrate why I am telling you to proceed with caution on assuming everything is good again,  picture a couple who have been separated and living apart for two months. 

They start talking more often, have a few enjoyable evenings together, and decide to give living under one roof another try.

On Sunday he helps her move her stuff back into the house. Things feel fresh again and there is a sense of relief in the air, so they have a nice dinner and the home starts to feel familiar again.

By Wednesday, though, they’re exhausted from work, one of the kids had a problem at school and got into trouble, and a disagreement comes up about something that used to cause conflict before the separation even happened.

Now the husband is thinking, here we go again… I thought we were past this and that is why she came home.

The WIFE thinks, we’ve been back three days, and we’re already doing the same thing.

Now neither of them may have understood what the move back was supposed to mean.

He saw her return as the end of the crisis and she may have seen it as an attempt to find out whether living together could work again.

And all it took was really a few days and some normal everyday life stress to interject on this reunion to completely throw a wrench in the spokes. 

Now, I’m not saying this is what always happens when a couple reconciles.

I’m just trying to illustrate to you why the decision to share a home again deserves more thought than simply getting the moving boxes back inside and getting her home ASAP.

If you spend the separation focusing only on getting her to return, you may actually get that moment to happen, except you will have addressed basically nothing of what actually needed to change. 

That is a very challenging place to be, because those first feelings of happiness you had when she told you she was coming home are absolutely demolished by a steamroller.

The thing you most wanted actually happened, but you’re not sure how to build something different with it.

A GOOD EVENING ISN’T THE SAME AS AN AGREEMENT

Which leads me to another part of separation that can be confusing, especially when you’re REALLY hoping to get back together.

Your wife might call you to talk about the kids, and the conversation turns into something more personal.

You both feel really good and maybe she comes over and you have dinner. You enjoy being around each other again and who knows, a few glasses of wine and perhaps there’s even some physical affection or intimacy.

Then she goes home, and you’re thinking to yourself that things felt really great again and that is the door starting to open to her coming back. 

Okay…cool.

Then the next day you wake up and check in on how she is doing, almost leading on to the fact that things went so well that maybe she might consider coming back, but she says she still wants to live separately.

That is going to be a slap in the face that will feel painful and confusing.

But think about the different things that can happen while you’re living apart.

You can have contact because you share children, have responsibilities you need to divvy up, or just because of years of positive history.

You can experience moments of reconnection because you still enjoy each other’s company or feel affection for one another.

AND…you can both decide to pursue reconciliation, which involves an actual willingness to work on the relationship and consider a shared future.

All of those things can overlap, but one does not automatically establish the others.

But if the possibility of her coming home does become real, there is a conversation I would encourage you not to skip.

TALK ABOUT WHAT COMING HOME MEANS

Let’s say your wife tells you she misses being at home and has started thinking about moving back.

As we talked about earlier, getting her home isn’t the complete plan. 

It would be easy to respond to her and say “Of course. Come back whenever you want. We’ll figure everything else out later.”

And yes, sometimes there will be practical reasons that make the timing of a move important.

I’m not suggesting you need to turn it into some formal process before she’s allowed through the door.

But I would encourage you to make room for an honest conversation about what you are both agreeing to.

What does her coming home actually mean and look like.

You may float the topic by telling her that you really like the idea of living together again, but remember how difficult things became before she moved out.

You can tell her that if you’re collectively going to consider this, it is important to talk about what would need to be different so you have a better chance of making it work. 

Then listen to what she says. Open the floor to her. 

She may tell you about how when she raised issues, the conversation became an argument about who was right.

Maybe she says she carried too much of the responsibility at home and doesn’t want to return to that arrangement.

You may have your own concerns you’ve never expressed clearly either.

This conversation isn’t about getting her to provide a checklist so you can complete it and earn the right to have her back.

It’s about understanding what each of you would need from a different kind of relationship.

And you may discover that you have very different expectations about what moving back means.

You might think you’re agreeing to fully reconcile. She may be considering a cautious attempt at living together while you both continue to assess the marriage.

Those differences are worth understanding before they become another painful surprise once you put away her luggage after unpacking again.

You can also talk about how you’ll handle the problems that used to bring you to a standstill.

You don’t have to solve years of difficulty in a single discussion. 

But the entire point that you need to focus on is that having this conversation with her isn’t a way to slow down reconciliation. It’s a way to take reconciliation seriously.

Now, I know that there is a chance you’re watching this and hearing me talk about your wife considering coming home sounds really good and is something you are envisioning happening, but she hasn’t shown any interest in coming back. 

If that is the case for you, let’s take a look at where you are supposed to be doing in the meantime if you want to give the chance to hear those words from her to become a real possibility.

This is the part that matters the most if you want to save your marriage. 

WHAT TO DO WHILE THE HOUSE IS STILL EMPTY

So let’s look at where you might be right now. The house is sitting empty in comparison to what it was like when she was home. 

It can really feel like your life has been placed in limbo, almost like you’re waiting for something to happen that will tell you where your marriage is heading. 

I’d encourage you to approach this period in two ways.

The first is to take care of the life that actually exists today.

Right, if you have kids you have to show up for them as a dad and be a dependable parent in the arrangement you have now.

Don’t put your children in the position of carrying messages between you or asking them questions to find out what your wife is doing. They need room to have their own relationship with each parent without being drawn into the marriage crisis.

Be responsible with the circumstances currently in front of you.

I also want you to give yourself permission, not that I need to be the one to but there are a lot of guys who are not sure and become almost paralyzed with what they should be doing… but I give you permission to make the house livable for yourself.

That may sound like an unusually small piece of advice in a video about saving your marriage, but think about it.

Some men leave everything exactly as it was because changing anything feels like accepting that their wife is never coming back.

They avoid using certain rooms and really start treating their home like a waiting room as they wait for the decision from their wife for the future of their relationship. 

You don’t have to erase your wife’s place in your life to begin looking after your own.

Cook a proper meal. Keep the home in good order. Spend time with your children when they’re with you. 

Maintain a life you can participate in, even while the future of your marriage remains uncertain.

This is a huge part about caring for yourself and meeting your responsibilities in a difficult season of life you have found yourself in. 

The second part is to look beyond the immediate goal of getting her back into the house.

Practically speaking, if you want to really grow in this season and turn it into the positive it needs to be, you have to do this for yourself. 

Set aside some quiet time and write down what you understand about the problems that contributed to your separation.

Start with what your wife has actually told you, rather than what you imagine she must be thinking.

Stick to the cold hard facts about what she has ACTUALLY said to you that you remember. 

Don’t stop at just writing, “I need to listen better.”

Think about the last few times that happened where she told you that you don’t listen. What did you say? What were you trying to accomplish in the conversation? When did it turn into an argument? What could you have done differently?

Or maybe for your marriage, a big problem was always involving broken commitments.

Instead of just promising yourself that you’ll never let her down again, look at why those commitments weren’t kept and what you would need to change to become more reliable.

You’re trying to move from broad intentions to changes that could actually be lived out in an ordinary week.

The point of doing this work now is that your life doesn’t have to remain suspended until your wife makes another decision.

You can begin making meaningful changes without knowing whether she will eventually choose to return.

SAVING YOUR MARRIAGE AFTER YOUR WIFE MOVES OUT

So if you have been spinning your wheels because your wife moved out and you feel like you are running out of chances to save your marriage, her moving out deserves a response that goes deeper than trying to persuade her to reverse the move.

Take seriously what she has told you. Respect the boundaries of your current arrangement. Care for the people and responsibilities that are part of your life today. And begin understanding the specific patterns that would need to change for the marriage to become healthier.

If the two of you become open to reconciliation, don’t rush past the conversation about what rebuilding your shared life would actually involve.

You need to do your part in becoming a man you are proud of, which will ultimately make it much more possible for her to be open to returning and allow you to be prepared to properly build a marriage that both of you would want to come home to.

And if your wife has moved out, or you’re facing a separation and you’re struggling to understand what actually needs to change in your marriage, I want to invite you to watch my free Relationship Rebuild Masterclass that is linked in the pinned comment and description below. 

It will help you begin understanding those patterns and the relationship skills you can develop to handle yourself and your marriage differently moving forward.

I highly recommend you watch it now if you’re serious about saving your marriage because it will lay out the blueprint that you need to become the leader you need to be in your life and relationship. 

If you’re not sure about the free masterclass yet, then watch this video about why the best thing you can do if you’re separated is stop looking for certain signs. 

Check it out right here.