If you're trying really hard to fix the relationship with your wife but she’s not getting any closer, and it seems like she is actually pulling away more, here is exactly what you do to fix that. 

In this video, I’m going to explain the actual reason why she isn’t responding to your effort like you think she should, and give you 3 ways that work to truly get her to reconnect with you again… 

And make sure you watch to the end because if you don’t understand why it will probably get worse before it gets better, you won’t be able to reconnect with her no matter what you do. 

WHEN EFFORT STARTS TO FEEL DIFFERENT

If we can all be honest with each other as men, we know it can be very easy to start coasting in a relationship and be complacent, to a point where we experience things start to go south really quickly. 

It’s at that point where we kick it into high gear because we are suddenly trying to fix everything. 

And during those very blurry moments where we are sporadic trying to do what we think are the right things, we don’t realize that there is a pretty big difference between visible effort and genuine change. 

At first glance, they feel like they can be the same thing. If I show her what she wants (be more attentive, listen to her more, things of that nature), everything will work its way back to normal. 

But they’re not the same thing because when change is real, and you’re actually leading the relationship…this is subtle behavior that is done through identity. 

The difference is, you may seem like you’re listening and being more attentive, but you’re only doing it so that it gets noticed by her and things become better. 

Genuine leadership is not something you hope gets noticed, it’s just a consistent being of how you move, how you respond to things, and how you carry yourself in the relationship. 

When you start trying to fix things after it has already been slipping, all that effort becomes loud with no leadership energy behind it. 

SHE DOESN’T SEE WHAT YOU DO

And when she sees all this effort (buying her nice gifts, trying to reason with her and convince her that things are okay, even as far as pleading with her and telling her how much she means to you), she doesn’t see it from a place of “he’s trying more, or he cares more”. 

Let me ask you, have you ever been really putting in that extra effort to fix things and you get into a conversation trying to see if it’s working, and she tells you “I know you have been trying more…but”

And then she says something along the lines of she “just doesn’t know” or “something still doesn’t feel right”?

I’m willing to bet you have heard that before; I know I have MANY TIMES.

Well that’s because all that effort is putting pressure on her to resolve her own emotions, but the problem is she doesn’t know how. 

It’s frustrating to her as well. To her, think of it like having a conversation with someone who’s needy and trying really hard to make a good impression. 

They might not say anything wrong…but you can feel that they’re trying. Same for the effort, she can feel the desperation behind it and that alone creates more distance. 

I WISH IT WERE THIS SIMPLE

So why isn’t it just as simple as showing up with more effort and communicating your love for her?

Why can’t she just validate your effort and close that distance gap between you two? 

Is she doing this to you out of spite to hurt you?

Well the truth is, the critical disconnection started happening for her long before you started trying to fix it.

In all those interactions where you failed to be the leader of the relationship in a variety of ways, and failed to create emotional safety for her, this caused her emotions to disconnect to a point where effort will alone will not move them. 

So your frustration in her not responding to your effort the way you thought she would or would obviously want her to is misguided.

She’s not pulling away from your effort out of spite or punishment, she's pulling away from what your effort now needs from her.

This is really a turning point for you, and unfortunately most men in this situation don’t see it before it’s too late. 

Whether you realize it or not, you’re at a fork in the road. 

You can: Double down on trying harder, keep adjusting based on her reactions, Keep chasing signs that it’s improving…And slowly lose her.

Or…

You can make a different shift that most men never do.

THE RESET MOST MEN NEVER MAKE

I hope you chose to start making that shift, because I am going to tell you exactly what you have to start doing.

The reset isn’t about trying harder, it’s about becoming someone who is no longer operating from the place of needing her to make you whole again. 

So here are three things you must do as part of the reset if you want to give yourself the best chance to have her emotions reengage with you. 

FIRST: CALM WITHOUT PROGRESS.

Right now, your emotional state probably moves with her behavior. I empathize with why that is, because I spent a decade living my life that way when my relationships were falling apart one after the other.

But acting this way creates instability, and your focus becomes reacting to her instead of leading yourself.

So you need to be able to develop your skills of being a grounded leader and remaining calm, even if the reconciliation is not progressing at a pace you think it should, or it’s stuck in neutral. 

SECOND: YOU HAVE TO BE THAT LEADER WITHOUT FAKING IT

A lot of men, when they start “doing better”…

there’s still a subtle sense that they’re showing something.

This is what I was talking about when you start to do all those actions because you are trying to sway her into a reconnection. 

The shift is when you’re no longer trying to demonstrate anything. You’re no longer thinking if something comes across right or if she notices things you’re trying to do. 

You’re just being the leader and acting as a leader does. And that’s when it actually starts to feel real for her.

THIRD: YOU HAVE TO HAVE DIRECTION WITHOUT MONITORING.

Similar to what I just said about not trying to demonstrate anything, most men in the position you are in are constantly scanning.

They are monitoring for signs of it working on her, of her warming up to them again.

This completely takes away the right focus, which is on developing your ability to be a leader of the relationship and understand how to create emotional safety, and puts your focus on strategizing around getting the outcome from her.

So the shift you have to make is to stop tracking her reactions like a scoreboard, like you’re trying to figure out if you’re winning the reconciliation game.

You know how you’re showing up (if you make the right shift), and you know the direction you’re moving in.

And you let that be enough, without needing constant feedback.

That’s the reset. And it doesn’t look dramatic from the outside…

But it completely changes how you’re experienced and if you start to have this intention of leadership without needing the outcome, that’s what can start the wheel of reconciliation to turn. 

IT GETS WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER

However, this is something I cannot stress enough to you.

The reason you have to remove yourself from wanting that outcome with her if you want to do this properly where she will reconnect with you again is because things might FEEL like they are getting worse before they get better.

What does that mean?

Well because of the confirmation bias built up in her head about you due to all the previous patterns in the relationship of how you’ve shown up, when you start showing up differently…

She is NOT going to believe you. 

It’s not that she doesn’t WANT to believe you, it’s that her nervous system will literally not let her believe you at first. 

She might stay distant, she might seem skeptical, honestly…she might even test you harder by being more rude or she might not react at all.

This is why it is so important to stay grounded and remain focused on your job of becoming a calmer leader and consistently showing up that way. 

Because when you don’t see results immediately (we live in this world of instant gratification and it is simply not the way things work), but because you don’t see this instant success it will be very easy to go back to old patterns. 

But what’s actually happening is she’s not reacting to who you are today…he’s reacting to the pattern she’s experienced over time.

So you have to stay the course so that this pattern bias that she subconsciously has built up starts to chip away and allow her emotions to have curiosity about “maybe he really has changed”, and at that point she will start to explore reconnection. 

IF THIS IS WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW

If you’re tired of trying harder and realizing, yeah you’re right she is pulling further away no matter how hard I am trying, then you’re at a really important point.

I spent just over a decade sitting on my thumbs thinking that it was just happenstance when the same heartbreak kept happening over and over again, until I made a decision to actually figure out how to fix what was happening.

The truth is, most guys are not going to do it. They may watch this video, even up until this point, and decide…meh.. And just let things happen as they may.

Don’t let that be you, go watch my free masterclass that will break down the specific step-by-step process to rebuild your relationship and time collapse the period where she starts to reconnect with you again. 

The link for that masterclass is in the  description and pinned comment below. to go deeper.

And if this video resonated with you and you’re trying very hard to fix things, watch this video on “How To Save Your Marriage When You're The Only One Trying” because it builds directly on what we talked about here…