In this video today, I am going to get into what is really going on when your wife says “I need time to think” during a period when your marriage is struggling, because it’s not what you may believe it is.

And more importantly… if you handle this moment wrong, you can actually push her further away without realizing it. But if you handle it right, this is one of the few moments where you can actually start turning things around.

If you felt a lot of tension building for weeks and your wife said she needs time to think, you probably have started playing so many mind tricks on yourself, asking yourself, what does that mean she needs to think?

Is she about to leave?
Is she thinking about divorce?
Is she already gone emotionally and just trying to drag it out and let me down gently?

Watch to the end of this episode because it will help you unlock the misunderstanding that most men never figure out about what she is truly thinking about, and it will set you up to give her what she actually needs so you don’t make the mistake of making her think things about you that you don’t really want. 

IS SHE REALLY “THINKING”

A huge misinterpretation by most men, and if this is you as well I don’t blame you because this was me too, you think that when she says she just needs some time to think, it means she is actually going to go analyze the relationship logically.

Like she’s going to sit down, weigh the pros and cons, and come back with a clear decision. But that is not what’s happening.

If she says she needs time to think, I can promise you it almost always means that she is trying to escape how the relationship feels to her right now because something has become very heavy inside the relationship dynamic. 

There has probably been a lot of tense emotion and uncertainty in the relationship dynamic, so you know women don’t want to hurt your feelings so they have these sort of vague things they say, but they really mean something else.

Like when I would ask my mom for something when I was a kid and she would say “we’ll see”; I had some hope, but after enough times of hearing that, I caught on and well... We’ll see meant no.

I am not saying that your wife or long-term girlfriend saying “I need time to think” means no she doesn’t want to be with you, but what she is really saying is that she needs space to see how it feels; she needs some ability to breathe from everything and take a break from the pressure of the relationship dynamic going sideways. 

It doesn’t mean she needs time to think because she wants your relationship to fail, but reliving the same thing with you over and over again starts to feel like way too much.  

CLOSING THE GAP ACTUALLY OPENS IT

So what do most men do next?

They try to close the gap immediately, because her saying she needs time to think (like I said, is misinterpreted by most men) so you might be prone to asking her questions that you desperately want the answers to, but you even asking these questions can cause so much more damage that, even if the answers were what you wanted to hear, it doesn’t really matter in actuality. 

I am talking about asking her things like:

“How much time do you need?”
“What do you really need to think about?”
“Are you saying you want to leave, are we done?”

And I get it, things feel incredibly uncertain so of course you want some level of clarity or status report of how bad it looks for you. 

But here’s the problem; I mentioned even if you got some version of an answer that maybe makes you feel better on the surface. 

Maybe she says “yes we are fine, I just need to think about us” or something that sounds harmless and makes you feel a bit more secure or clear.

First of all, that is not even the real answer anyway so it really doesn’t help you except on a surface level. And the reason I said asking her in the first place may cause more damage because as much as they are legitimate questions, they increase the pressure on her.

I mean, she is not stupid, she knows that those questions are coming from a place of fear and scarcity, so her even giving you an answer like the example I just mentioned is more her managing your fear than those being actually true.

Because, as we discussed earlier in this video, her thinking is not really THINKING, it is trying to get some space to process how she feels with everything in the relationship dynamic.

The relationship dynamic that has started to feel unsafe for her emotionally.

So instead of stepping back and allowing her to breathe, those questions (although relatively harmless in your head) really keep pulling back on her with that cloud of heavy fear coming from you asking for some answers. 

I CAN PROVE TO HER!

Another big mistake is thinking you can cut down the time it takes her to think by all of a sudden trying to prove to her how much you’ve changed, like instant change. 

And that is what the goal is, to change how you have been showing up in the relationship, but most guys change the wrong things in the hopes that they can convince her and slice that thinking time as much as possible. 

So suddenly you become more attentive and even apologetic for a lot of things, and you think that if you can just get her validation about how much better you are being… OR an even worse idea, trying to brainstorm with her to help her come to her conclusions on whatever she needs to think about (again - stemming from the misunderstanding of what is actually going on with her). 

The emotional signal you are sending to her is again rooted in fear and it is reactive to her needing space to think. 

But because her space needed is actually to be able to see how her feelings are in terms of processing, you’re continuing to engage her emotions in a way that works against you. 

So look, I think you get it, trying to help her out by doing any of those actions rooted in fear is just going to make her feel like everything depends on how things feel today and you’re only going to confirm to her that the dynamic is just not right emotionally.

So if she is telling you she needs time to think, what should you be giving her instead of those reactive actions?

SO WHAT SHOULD YOU GIVE HER INSTEAD?

What she really needs from you at this time is a complete shift in the emotional experience of the relationship. 

Because I can promise you, if your marriage or long-term relationship has gotten to this point where she needs time to think, that means enough has happened in the relationship where she is not experiencing you positively on a consistent basis emotionally.

And yes I get it, this doesn’t mean she has been perfect either. It isn’t about that, but you have to control what you can and that is how you show up as the leader of the relationship. 

So instead of chasing clarity, you give her that space she needs to “think”, but you don’t just completely withdraw and act defeated. 

You don’t stomp away telling  her “fine, take all your space and think all you want” in a frustrated manner to show her the emotion of how much you care. And I say that because it wasn’t my finest moment but I have done it before in my past. It does not work…zero stars…do not recommend. 

If you can understand that you have to put in a lot of counterintuitive work on yourself in order for this to be impactful. 

You have to start being responsive with steadiness and not be in such a rush to fix everything immediately so you can feel better. That is going to cause you to do all of the fearful tactics we talked about earlier, which is going to make her feel more unsettled with the dynamic. 

And yes, part of that is you have to be strong enough to tolerate uncertainty with the relationship and not know exactly where things stand with her for a while. 

You have to detach yourself from that outcome, and when you do that, it gives you the absolute best chance to obtain the outcome you want: Her “thinking” to conclude with her feeling the emotional dynamics changed in the relationship that can make her feel safer again and attraction can start to rebuild. 

If you want to simplify it and just sum it all up, there are really three things you need to give her in this moment:

Space without making it dramatic.
Stability without becoming cold.
And calm leadership without trying to control the outcome.

SHE’S NOT THINKING, SHE’S WATCHING FOR THIS

I said before that she isn’t sitting down to think about this logically and come up with a spreadsheet or an analysis of why she should or shouldn’t stay in the marriage.

When she asks for time to think…what she is really doing is watching what happens next.

She’s going to be paying attention to how she feels.

Not what you say… not what you promise… but how it feels to be around you now.

Does the pressure actually go away?
Does the dynamic feel different?
Or does it feel like the same tension… but just in a quieter form?

Because if nothing changes…and you continue to chase after her and convince her to hash it out with you, or you’re putting on a performance to try and sway her thinking”, all you’re going to do is confirm her fears, and prove her confirmation bias about you to be right:

You will never change, and it may not feel right at all to continue the relationship. 

But if something does change…if you are able to start making her experience you completely different in the relationship.

Also, I am not talking about being perfect. You don’t have to morph into this perfect man, we are all human. But if you start showing that you get it, you stop being reactive based on your fears and start validating her feelings and making her feel heard, it’s going to start feeling much different for her.

The reality is, your goal isn’t to be doing this for her anyway, that is why I say you have to detach yourself from the outcome, you should be wanting to have this transformation for you.

And in doing so, it works concurrently to allow her to have the space to breathe and start to feel something different from you. 

YOUR CHANCE TO SAVE THE MARRIAGE

This really is a turning point for you and you have to make that decision to look at the paths laid in front of you, and choose the one you really want. 

If your wife has told you she needs time to think…don’t treat that moment like something you need to fix immediately.

Treat it like that turning point where you can take back full control and rid yourself of the complacency. 

I spent just over a decade making the same mistakes over and over again, and I can look back on it as wasted time but it happened enough where it allowed me to make a decision to figure out what I was doing wrong so it would never happen again. 

It was the best decision I ever made, and you too can begin changing the very thing that caused her to need space in the first place, and that’s what starts reopening the door with her.

If you want to start making the changes that work, I invite you to go watch my free Relationship Rebuild masterclass. 

It will walk you through the exact step-by-step blueprint that changed my life and will give you the fastest way to lead her back to reconnection naturally in your relationship.  

It's absolutely free and if you’re serious about saving your marriage or long-term relationship, I encourage you to go watch that today. 

The link for the free masterclass is in the description and pinned comment below.  

If this video helped you out, hit that like button and subscribe to the channel as well. 

I will see you in the next episode, real soon.