Most men think the hardest part of separation is losing their wife.

It's not.

The hardest part is watching her suddenly seem completely fine while you're falling apart.

And the meaning you're attaching to seeing that is probably wrong.

So in today's video, I'm going to explain why your wife can suddenly seem like a completely different person, what may actually be happening beneath the surface, and why understanding this can ultimately change how you move forward to get that reconnection you want with her.

THE REAL SHOCK ISN'T THAT SHE CHANGED

Something I want to separate when it comes to seeing her moving forward, is I think that the pain inside hits you from a different angle than you expected. 

What makes sense is that you probably thought that her taking space, checking out emotionally, or even a full on separation would look like she was hurting as well, and it would LOOK like she was hurting emotionally. 

But you probably see her looking almost relieved or with a pep in her step.

It almost makes you feel like if the marriage actually mattered to her, she would seem more devastated. 

Especially because you are feeling that internally yourself. 

But she has been wrestling with  a difficult decision internally for a long time, months or even years.

Think about spending two years working at a job and you’re thinking about leaving it. 

Every day you go to work frustrated, the same things happen, nobody in leadership does anything to make the place better even though so many times they have been given suggestions.

So every day you wonder, should I quit, should I really take that step.

But because of human nature for most of us, it makes it very hard to quit that job. 

I know when I was making the career change to coaching and fulfilling what I believe my purpose is, it was very hard leaving the corporate world I was in for over 15 years that I climbed the ladder to a pretty comfortable place. 

But one day you finally hand in your resignation.

To  everybody else from the outside, you will look energized and optimistic, excited even. 

Not because the job meant nothing, not because you weren't stressed or the years didn’t matter.

But because the decision itself removed a huge amount of internal conflict.

That is very in line with what you may be witnessing from your wife, but it doesn’t mean the end of all her pain.

It really just means the conclusion of that LONG internal debate.

It’s important to see the difference between the two. 

WHERE DID THIS VERSION OF HER COME FROM?

And a big question that a lot of men ask is like, "where was this version of her before?"

Why couldn’t she be this positive and upbeat, energized for me?

You may even notice her suddenly doing things she never seemed interested in.

Trying new hobbies, meeting new people (and I am not necessarily talking about taking interest in other men; although that can enter the scenario as well).

She might be changing her appearance and taking care of herself differently, when with you it was just par for the course. Same ol look and routines, and maybe to you it feels like much less effort being put in. 

It is very tempting to make yourself believe that this version of her appeared overnight, almost as a slap in the face to you. 

What's often happening is that parts of her that have been dormant for years are suddenly getting attention.

I don’t know if you have one yourself, or have friends that have a Lake House in the northeast or midwest where they have to deal with all 4 weather seasons.

Well you generally have to close up the house for the winter and do all the needful things, closing up the windows and just making sure everything is sealed off for the winter.

That Lake House is going to be very dark and cold during that winter, but spring comes and the sunlight starts coming in and the windows open up, furniture is uncovered and there is this total freshness to the place. 

The place looks completely different from the two seasons, but none of the rooms in there are new. 

They were already there, they just hadn't been opened up in a long time.

A lot of women experience something similar during a major transition.

They start reconnecting with parts of themselves they feel they've neglected.

And if you think this isn’t true, I promise you that when women check out they start looking for themselves again.

I had a woman on one of my videos the other day, I believe it was 5 signs she’s emotionally checked out, and she literally commented “This is SOOO good, as a checked out wife I feel so seen”. 

So when you’re seeing it, it can feel like you’re looking at a complete stranger in her, but what you’re seeing is someone experimenting with parts of themselves that have been sitting in the background for a very long time.

WHY MEN TAKE IT SO PERSONALLY

One thing that you want to avoid doing, and it is so common honestly, is taking it personally that you’re seeing this from her. 

It is SO easy to assume that every positive change that she makes is a statement reflective about you. 

Like, if she goes and joins a gym, you may take that as a slight that she never respected you because she never did that before.

Or…if you see her smiling more, it is easy to think yeah it means she is way happier without you. 

You’re throwing yourself right into a dangerous trap if you’re interpreting what you're seeing in that manner. 

If you start to view everything through those glasses, the true danger is that you stop observing reality and start collecting evidence for a story.

You really start just making chapter after chapter of this story, and the problem is whatever story you tell yourself is what you start to believe.

It usually starts to be self-pitying and very harmful, not only to your own mentals but for your chances at reconciliation as well.

The story is usually you convincing yourself that she never cared, that she moved on for good and you are already forgotten. 

The issue is that you're taking visible behavior and attaching invisible meaning to it.

And like I said, this is the dangerous part because the meaning you're attaching is usually the thing causing the suffering.

Her new behavior is one thing, but the suffering is self imposed. 

I mean the truth is, you don't actually know what she's feeling when she's lying awake at night.

You don't know what doubts she still has.

She could be having conversations with herself just like you might, maybe even thinking in the same way you are.

You really don’t know what emotions are underneath the version of herself you’re seeing publicly, or what she posts on social media (if she is doing that). 

You only know what you're seeing, and being negatively impacted by the story you create from what you see.

So let's clear up that misunderstanding that her changing means certainty against you, and you can stop creating stories that are harmful to you and probably not accurate. 

WHY CHANGE DOESN'T MEAN CERTAINTY

Just because she suddenly seems different with the energy, and the routines, and interests does not necessarily mean she’s moved on and never coming back, and that it’s over for good. 

Her changes don’t signal full on certainty that things are toast forever.

She has finally gotten some relief after going through a lot of emotional toil while the emotional checkout process was going on in your relationship, which can take a long time. 

She is really just trying to figure herself out after a lot of emotional exhaustion. 

It doesn’t mean that she has figured EVERYTHING out, and that’s a key distinction. 

Playing off what I said about the story most men create when they are seeing their wife go through this, they look at it and think she has everything figured out and has ALL the answers now. 

Meanwhile, she may simply be exploring.

She may be rediscovering herself and reconnect with parts of herself she feels she lost. 

It is part of her growth process, and none of those things automatically mean she has certainty about her future.

But if you convince yourself that every change she makes means the outcome is decided, and that it is BECAUSE of you, you're going to continue to react from a place of hopelessness.

And decisions from a place of hopelessness are terrible decisions.

WHY THE "NEW VERSION" OF HER CREATES PANIC

So let’s turn the channel and talk about you for a second, because this is REALLY not about her at all. 

It's about what her transformation forces you to confront.

When she starts changing and growing and evolving, forget the stories you create, the real creation is a mirror and suddenly you're forced to look at yourself.

You are forced to ask yourself the tough questions that you may have been avoiding about your own growth, if you can recognize that you became complacent in the relationship, and if you’ve been living in a place of reactiveness. 

It is a very uncomfortable place to be to ask those questions of yourself, but as one who tried to brush them under the rug for a long time and figured it was external reasons my relationships were so impacted, I can tell you they are very necessary questions. 

I went from being obsessed with looking outward to pointing the finger back at myself, and it was there where I changed my life for the best. 

The absurdity is I wasted over a decade thinking things would just happen for me and get better, because I was so focused on others. 

The more attention YOUR put on her transformation, the less attention you put on your own, and THAT alone creates the 100% outcome you don’t want.

Because while she's moving forward, you're standing still.

I don’t even want to say standing still, you’re actually moving backwards because it is entropy; you’re watching her get better, and you’re focusing on her makes you get worse. 

DON’T COMPETE WITH HER TRANSFORMATION

And that brings me to another very important point.

Just because you see her changing, you don’t want pressure to start changing yourself for the SOLE reason that you want to prove to her that you’re changing too. 

You absolutely want to take control of what you are in control of, your positive growth, but you want to make sure you are not competing with her. 

If you’re trying to compete with her, or even compete to get her attention, it creates all kinds of unhelpful strange behavior. 

Like if you’re on social media, Facebook or whatever, don’t be trying to post everything and talk about all these different improvements, making announcements to see if she will engage with them, or like them, whatever the hell goes on (I don’t really spend much time on social media so). 

But don’t be doing that trying to demonstrate transformation or get credit for it. 

Real growth doesn't work that way.

Compare it to planting a tree; the roots have to grow underground first. 

You don’t get APPLAUSE for the roots; nobody is going to come around and say hey man, great roots you have growing under there that I can’t even see…

But it doesn’t matter, the important thing is that you are doing that for YOU and without the strong roots, the tree will never become stable. 

You won’t get the shot system if you don’t plant the root system.

Most guys are so focused on her that they want to skip the root system and jump straight up to the branches. 

They want her to see the change and give them that validation, and that is also BEFORE they even become that man they are trying to portray. 

The result will pretty much ALWAYS be the same…

It feels forced, it’s not real, and it is already putting the nail in the coffin on the exact narrative she already has of you. 

So what do you have to do to make sure you are not like all those unsuccessful men trying to reconcile? 

REAL OPPORTUNITY OF THIS PHASE

Well this phase is actually giving you something incredibly valuable.

Perspective. 

For the first time in years, maybe EVER,  you can clearly see the patterns that brought you here. That is exactly what happened for me.

Also,for the first time in years, maybe EVER, you're no longer distracted by day-to-day routines.

The autopilot is gone.

The comfort zone and all the excuses…they are all gone.

Through all this pain, it really creates opportunity.

There is a great quote from (not so much a philosopher), but Adam Copeland (who you may know as Edge from WWE wresting back in the day)...

“The pain you are feeling is merely the strike of every hammer blow on the anvil as you are being forged.” 

You may think that is cheesy, and if you do…that is fine.

I am not trying to be preachy, but I am TELLING you it is true, because now you can look honestly at your life.

Not just your marriage.

Your life, and confidence, and standards, and habits.

You can look at all of that and rebuild from a stronger foundation…

Or you won’t…but I know exactly where that path leads if you don’t. 

To blaming others for your circumstances, and most definitely not getting the reconnection with your wife you hope for.

The opportunity for you right here is not only getting her back.

That's actually too small of a goal.

The real opportunity is becoming the you who doesn't need this crisis to wake him up again five years from now.

AND THAT is the type of growth that creates the best chance for reconnection with her because genuine transformation is ATTRACTIVE if you do it properly. 

ARE YOU WILLING TO CHANGE?

The one thing I want you to take from this video, is that the woman you're seeing right now may look completely different.

Happier, lighter, seems more confident. But appearances rarely tell the whole story.

The biggest mistake you can make is assuming you know exactly what everything means.

Instead, make sure you’re using this chapter of your life to transform your own.

Not to prove something to her or “win her back”.

I promise you, the best thing for you is to become that different man who can be the leader, and that is the highest chance you will have to reconnect with her and become attractive to her again. 

If even 1% of you who are watching this listen to me…I mean, I am realistic, I know most will watch this and say either “hey that was interesting” or “yeah this guy sucks”, and go watch something else…

But if even 1% take my advice and take action to start their transformation, then I have done my job to help the world…a better parent for their kids, better family in the world. That helps everybody else.

So make sure you are one of those 1% who takes action and changes your life. 

And if you want help to reconcile with your wife by becoming the kind of man who is stronger, calmer, more grounded, and more self-respecting than you were yesterday, go watch my free Relationship Rebuild Masterclass.

The link for that FREE masterclass is in the description and pinned comment below. 

If this video helped shift your perspective, then watch this next video on How To Save Your Marriage If You’re The Only One Trying.