If you’re watching this video right now, you’re probably trying really hard to fix your marriage…or you know somebody that is trying really hard to fix their marriage. 

The problem with this big effort you’re making that nobody tells you is that all of that effort being directed towards trying to fix your marriage might actually be the problem itself. 

When a marriage is on the rocks, and your friends or family are telling you to just do more… more of this or more of that for her, telling her more times that you love her, telling her more times how much you need her….. they don’t understand that more effort spent doing those things doesn’t create the conditions for increased closeness with your wife.

…And it is actually pushing her further away at a fast pace, all while your frustrations start to boil over. That frustration starts making you think “what if I am just postponing the inevitable” or what if she’s already made up her mind and I have no chance of saving this?

So In this video, I’m going to walk you through why putting all that effort into “fixing” the marriage itself actually makes things worse, what signal all that effort actually sends to your wife without you even knowing, and what you HAVE to do immediately if you want to save your marriage and get your wife attracted to you again – so you can live the life you dream of with her.

Just before we jump in, if you appreciate me making content like this please go ahead and tap the like button so that other men can find this help as well. 

Now, let’s get you on a proper path to saving your marriage. 

The Repair Mistake

When we are talking about trying to strengthen a relationship that is breaking down, what the focus has to be on is emotional repair. 

This is on both sides; the man and woman. 

There is, though, a complete fundamental difference in the way men and women EXPERIENCE emotional “repair”. And this is where most guys dig that hole and can never seem to get out of it. 

When men try to fix the marriage, the mindset is to treat it sort of like everything else is life. 

We men are pretty simplistic and go about things in a practical or pragmatic nature. At its simplest form we look at it like this:

Something is broken. I need to repair it.

Seems simple, right? It’s logical, direct and efficient.

The Signal Your Fixing Sends

So when you set down that journey to repair the marriage and start doing the things I mentioned in the opener, she processes those actions from her own emotional experience and the signal that you are giving off, as she experiences it, is completely different than your intentions. 

To her, she is basically taking it as like “this guy wants me to stop feeling what I’m feeling, or flip a switch and just go back to normal”. 

It signals that you are uncomfortable with her emotions, so you’re trying to control them… EVEN if that is not your intention, and you don’t want to control anything and you are just trying to get your marriage back to a happy place. 

So even if your intentions are BEAUTIFUL, she’s reached this place already where she is overwhelmed and past the point where she is shutting down emotionally, so it just feels like coercion to her to get her to flip that happiness switch back to normal or to the way things were in your relationship. 

When this happens, her nervous system starts to tell her “I can’t take this guy, I need space”.

You can see how even the most well-intentioned of actions actually creates the exact opposite of what you want. 

This is part of the signal or message inside “fixing” that no man sees and most of the people who are trying to give you advice don’t realize either. 

They are trying to give you advice because they care about you, and you’re trying to repair or fix the marriage because you care.

But emotionally, your wife receives the message as you need HER to change so you can get the reassurance you need and can calm down, and it settles your fear of losing her.

Now if you step back from the anxious emotional state you are in when your marriage is going down this spiral, and think about what I just told you in a practical manner, it makes complete sense:

If you’re only steady when the marriage feels good and everything is going great…and you’re only okay when she’s okay…

You can see how her emotional experience is that she doesn’t feel supported, she feels responsible to be the emotional leader of the marriage…..and… I have to tell you guys, no matter what you’ve seen in TV shows and movies, I can tell you that SHE does not want that job of being the emotional leader.

That is YOUR job as the masculine presence in the relationship.  

So if you’re not doing your job, and then you try to fix things when they are spiraling down, the message you’re sending her is that you’re not centered unless she is coming towards you and reconnecting. 

If she is not doing that, you start to lose full emotional control.

That is not creating safety for her, that is making everything dependent on her and she will continue to pull away to escape that pressure of having to be the manager or supervisor of  your emotions.

This is why so many men ultimately get so frustrated and distraught, saying that the more they try the worse it gets or the harder they work, the more she shuts down.

Then it just snowballs and when they see their effort just making things worse, their frustration leads to more arguments and fight that escalate to that point of divorce:

Because, the issue is not the effort at this point in time in the relationship dynamic. The issue is the emotional posture BEHIND the effort.

Real Results Of Misguided Effort 

So what are the actual REASONS why all of that extra effort with this incorrect emotional posture causes her to pull away even further?

Well..

Reason #1 is that She feels emotionally unsafe. This is bar none, non-negotiable, can’t happen.

This doesn’t mean you’re abusive or aggressive. This should NEVER be happening, and aggression is the complete opposite of masculine leadership.
 

But what emotional UNSAFETY simply boils down to is that she doesn’t feel understood, free to feel her own emotions, she feels pressure to just switch everything  “get back to normal”, and she feels you’re trying to manage her emotions

Reason #2 is that She feels responsible for your emotional state.

What happens a lot of times is even if men get a bit of a clue and think wow I have to take responsibility for how I am showing up, they don’t realize their actions as part of the effort to fix the marriage is still putting the responsibility of their emotional state onto their wife. 

This happens when she sees you deflate when she’s distant or you chase that reassurance that everything is okay now because you have been putting in that effort to show how much you love her, and if you don’t get the response you are looking for you are not okay.

Saying this in the nicest, but clearest way possible: women don’t want to be their husband’s emotional mother.

And Reason #3 is that she doesn’t trust the new version of you yet.

So this one is a tricky one and another integral piece of the male/female dynamic that most men don’t get.

Even if you are actually putting all of that extra effort to save your marriage into doing the RIGHT things that will help save it (which I will touch on what some of those are in a minute), she does NOT immediately believe it or come running back into your arms right away.

Because of the confirmation bias that has been building up in her about you because of how the relationship is been, even if you start to show signs of doing the right things that reignite safety and attraction, her nervous system is cautious and will still  wonder if these changes are for real or just an act to get her back, and as soon as she gets closer all of those good changes stop.

This is just her nervous system protecting her and your job is not to fix that either, it is to become stable enough so that she CHOOSES to come towards you rather than pulling away. 

Where The RIGHT Effort Goes

I mentioned I would talk about the right things to focus all that extra effort on that will ultimately put you in THE BEST position to save your marriage, so here are the three things to focus your intense effort on that actually rebuild emotional safety.

Number 1 - You have to learn how to have Emotional Groundedness

This means that when she is pulling away from you or not as emotionally available as you are used to, you don’t collapse or panic. 

You don’t start going into patterns of over-apologizing for things that you don’t even know why you’re apologizing (which is a mistake I know far too well that I did that helped push my ex-fiance further away for good), and you don’t chase after the relationship reassurance just so you can feel better.

You can FEEL that pain, because that is a human experience, but you can’t act from it…Being able to be calm and grounded emotionally is the #1 masculine signal of safety.

The Number 2 area you need to divert your effort to is focusing on Curiosity Instead of Control

Instead of thinking about how everything you are trying to do to fix the relationship isn’t working, focus your attention on getting curious instead. 

Instead of scrambling and thinking  “How do I fix this right now?”

Try focusing your thoughts on what’s actually going on underneath her emotions.

And instead of “how do I make her stop being upset”? or “how do I get her to stop being so cold to me?”, think “what does she actually need to feel understood?”. 

This type of curiosity focus is what allows you to learn the right actions to take for her to finally be able to open back up again. 

And finally, the 3rd area to focus all your efforts is to learn how to Calm the Emotional Climate

When she’s shut down…this is the place where 90% of men get it completely wrong because they start escalating further or shutting down with her, which is essentially just mirroring her energy.

You have to take this opportunity to be the masculine leader in the relationship and provide a model framework for the climate emotionally. 

That model framework has to be steadiness. 

The fact of the matter is, women relax around a steady emotional climate. 

You Can Start TODAY

So… the good news!

Yes, there is actually light at the end of the tunnel after all of this, and the best part is you do not need her excitement, motivation, or even PARTICIPATION to completely transform your marriage and get it back on track and in a great place. 

You just need to change the emotional climate you’re creating. When you learn how to do this, and do it effectively, she will stop feeling judged and rushed, the weight of responsibility for your emotions will be lifted off her shoulders, and she will start to feel understood and incrementally safer to express herself. 

This is what leads to reconnection and reconciliation without having to convince her and drag her to therapy, or listen to any more advice from friends and family. 

If You’re Tired of Trying… Here’s Your Next Move

If you’ve been trying your hardest, doing the right things, saying the words your mom told you to say, but NOTHING is working… and this video has helped you come to the realization that you’ve been approaching this completely the wrong way. 

I know exactly how you feel, because that was me for over a decade. But once you learn what actually WORKS, it is a complete game changer in your life. 

So if you feel like you’re doing everything right but nothing is working, go and watch my free Relationship Rebuild masterclass that will walk you through the exact framework to rebuild your marriage and take it to a place that, as you sit here today in its current state, you would never think possible.

But, it truly is possible and it is not bs therapy tricks or tactics, it is absolutely real identity level transformation. 

The link for the free masterclass is in the description below, watch it today and learn the same process my clients on the brink of divorce use to turn things around,  even when their wives are emotionally checked out and it seems like there is no hope.

Also, please hit the like button if you enjoyed this video and subscribe to the channel for more content just like this.

Thanks for watching, and I will see you in the next episode.