What if I told you that the very thing you’re doing right now to fix your relationship is the same thing quietly pushing it to collapse for good?

The problem isn’t that you aren’t doing ENOUGH to fix it, but that WHAT you’re doing changes how she experiences you. 

So in this video, I want to show you what you’re doing wrong in terms of fixing that feels right to you, why you are not getting the results you want, and what actually gives you a REAL chance to turn everything around in your relationship when everything feels fragile.

And just before we jump in, give that like button a tap if you appreciate me making this type of content, and it will help YouTube find other men who need this help.

FIXING FEELS RIGHT 

When you start to get the feeling that your marriage or relationship is in trouble, or if she flat out tells you that she is not happy and is becoming more distant, there are two things in our brain, as men, that go off.

It is basically a combination of panic and competence. The panic side of you, obviously, makes your heart drop to your stomach because the thought of losing her and everything else you have built hits you like a ton of bricks. 

The competence part is where men are inherently problem solvers. As a man, you’ve spent your life solving problems.

You look at situations, identify what’s broken, and apply effort until things function properly again. That mindset works in business, it generally works with money, systems, logistics, plans… you name it, the approach is pretty standard across the board.

So when your relationship starts to feel unstable...when conversations with her start to feel colder, you have less and less intimacy, and she’s emotionally pulling back: your nervous system reacts automatically to step up into problem solver mode.

The problem with that is that relationships don’t operate on logic when you’re working with feminine emotions that have been disconnected.

Fixing feels like leadership because it involves you jumping up and taking action. But emotionally, especially at this stage of a relationship crisis, fixing often feels like submission.

WHAT FIXING COMMUNICATES EMOTIONALLY

So when we are talking about fixing the relationship, we are talking about the panic actions you take like trying to get her reassurance about how she feels and where you stand, trying to get her to do long emotional talks to convince her to work on things with you (and you can check out my video called “If You Want To Save Your Marriage, Stop Trying To Convince Her” for more depth about that), and also doing things like begging or pouring out all your feelings for her and how much you need her.

When you try to fix the relationship, you think you’re communicating care. But emotionally, something very different is landing.

Fixing quietly communicates that you believe she’s unhappy because of you and that you’re afraid of losing her, and for you to be okay you have to have her approval and only then will you feel steady.

If those words never ever come out of your mouth, she will still feel this from you and the more urgently you push the fixing, the more clearly she can feel your fear.

So while you’re trying to prove commitment, her nervous system is registering volatility because the emotional position you’re operating from is a reactive one.

THE FIXING LOOP 

I want to talk about something I call “The Fixing Loop”, which is the most common way men fall into this position where everything they do sends their relationship down the drain. 

Here’s how it usually unfolds:

• She starts to pull back emotionally.
  
  
• So, naturally, what happens?  You sense the distance in one way or another, the panic or fear of loss sets in, so you try harder to repair it.
• But, instead of the outcome you’re intending to get, she actually feels pressure instead of safety and pulls back more.

This is not the end though, and it is where it gets so interesting.

I know because I did this in every single one of my failed relationships, culminating when my ex-fiance left me and I unknowingly put myself into this fixing loop, only to end up completely heartbroken and lost.

At this point, where you are getting frustrated because she is pulling back more while you are intending to fix the relationship, you actually try to fix harder because the further sense of desperation sets in. 

That loop keeps tightening and tightening.

The mistake men make is believing that if they just fix better (say the right thing, show enough effort, tell her how much they need her), the loop will break and she will jump right back into your arms.

…It won’t.

Because all of those actions at this point do nothing to calm her nervous system, and they actually activate it (but not in the way you want). 

It’s like someone taking a step backward away from you while you keep stepping closer saying, “I’m just trying to help.”

At that point, the relationship isn’t responding to words anymore. It’s responding to positioning.

THE ILLUSION OF PROGRESS

One of the most confusing parts of when you try to take those actions is that, it sometimes looks like it’s working.

This is the illusion of progress. You may start doing those nice things and she softens up a bit, or talks a bit more, or even agrees to try.

But what’s happening isn’t her attraction being rebuilt by these fixing actions, it’s borrowing emotional energy.

And borrowed energy always runs out, that’s why so many men say, “Things were better for a bit, then suddenly worse.”

They weren’t REALLY better, they were temporarily stabilized by your effort, but ultimately effort is not a sustainable emotional foundation when her emotional disconnection has happened.

WHY CHANGE UNDER PRESSURE DOESN’T BUILD TRUST

So when things start to taper off again or just stop in their tracks, you get frustrated and say, “But I really am changing.” 

And many times, you are actually making that effort to change but because the leadership portion and ability to create emotional safety as a foundation to her is still absent, that borrowed energy we just talked about dissipates fast and the foundation is still cracked.

Because your changes are happening from a place of fear, and mainly relying on putting in more effort on things that don’t fix her emotional safety, they don’t work. 

YOUR GOAL: CHANGE THE ENVIRONMENT  

So now that you understand why fixing the relationship itself and putting added effort alone doesn’t save your marriage or relationship, let’s talk about what your goal HAS to be to be able to save it. 

Listen to the difference between fixing and leadership:

Fixing tries to control outcomes. Leadership stabilizes the environment.

Fixing is asking the question, “How do I get HER to feel better?”

Leadership asks the question, “What kind of presence doesn’t require her to?”... because she already will be. 

This is all about replacing trying to be persuasive and providing explanations as to why the relationship should continue with being a calm emotional presence and having self-respect. 

She doesn’t trust change that’s trying to save something out of fear, she starts to trust your change that exists whether she stays or not.

This is the type of masculine groundedness that I had to learn after being sick of having my heart broken time and time again, and it is an absolute life-changing skill.

So instead of going through the list and asking yourself what you have to fix so she stays, the question to ask yourself is “what kind of man would feel grounded whether she stays or not?”

That question changes how you speak and show up, and how you begin to understand the importance of regulating yourself. 

This is how you remove the fear and urgency without removing the care, and create the ability to restore polarity without withdrawing connection. 

And most importantly, it stops you from being the source of pressure in an already fragile relationship dynamic.

So…if you’re stuck in fixing mode right now, and you see the fixing loop happening where you’re doubling down and trying everything you can but it is just making things worse, go and check out my free masterclass.  If you don’t know how to shift without making things worse, that’s exactly what I walk men through step by step in the free masterclass.

You can seriously collapse the timeframe it takes to turn your relationship around but you have to take that first step and not dither around.

The masterclass is free to watch and the link is in the description below. 

If this video helped you out, if it helped you see things in a different light, give the like button a tap and go ahead and subscribe to the channel as well.

Thanks for watching, and I’ll catch  you guys in the next episode.