The moment your wife starts moving toward you again...

...probably won't be after your biggest apology.

Or after the flowers you bought for her.

Or after the long conversation you've been rehearsing in your head.

It'll happen after something completely different changes.

Because most husbands think they're trying to save their marriage...

when they're actually making it harder for their wife to reconnect.

Today I'll explain why.

TRYING HARDER FEELS RIGHT 

Let's be honest. If your wife starts pulling away...

It is normal for you to probably do what the overwhelming majority of husbands who want to fix things would do…

You’re gonna try harder.

If your wife tells you that she needs some space, that first natural inclination is going to feel like a panic and that you want to get closer with her somehow. 

You are human, and I have felt that same feeling way too often in my life when I was younger.

That's why I have so much empathy for the men who reach out to me.

Because, yes I do get the odd time a guy books a free strategy call with me to apply for my coaching program and after speaking with them for a short while I can see that their intentions are not in the right place. 

I have had a few who (even after watching my videos and free masterclass) think they will just get some magic quick manipulation tactic to make their wife back to being closer with them. 

But most of the men I talk to, and the ones who end up enrolling in my coaching program, really do have the best intentions and have found themselves in a tough spot where they are genuinely trying to take ownership and save something they love.

And before they end up on a call with me, it is most common where they went through the phases of trying hard to fix things, essentially trying every move that we are conditioned to believe works by societal archetypes. 

That fear of losing everything you have built together just overwhelms you out of nowhere, and fear has a funny way of convincing us that more effort is always the answer.

However, the harder you push from that emotional place...

The harder it becomes to stop heading down the wrong direction.

TRYING BECOMES MOMENTUM

This is something I don’t think enough people talk about, but trying harder doesn’t stay a choice. 

What really happens is that it turns into momentum that, because of a lack of alternative that you know, trying harder becomes momentum. 

And I was thinking about this a few days ago when I was prepping to record this video and I was in the grocery store…

I ended up grabbing a shopping cart and got like 30 feet from the door, and of course, Murphy’s Law I got the cart with a broken wheel.

And it started to make noise and vibrate (and people are looking at me); so as I am pushing it is veering off to the side…

So I push it with a bit more force to the side but it’s fighting me and veering still.

I was using all this extra effort to push the damn cart but it was still drifting off to the side of the aisle. 

This is a really good analogy for when your wife starts to pull away and you feel anxious, so you start trying harder.

You buy her flowers or a gift but she either reluctantly accepts it or it doesn’t move the needle with her.

So you then maybe start apologizing and telling her how sorry you are, trying to get her to reassure you that everything is okay. 

You end up in this loop and taking all these actions based on discomfort and fear.

Each of those actions is well intended and trying to get the shopping cart back on track, but your wife continues to feel distant and it isn’t helping change anything to get things back on course with your relationship. 

And what is lost in translation between what you see in societal archetypes versus what actually works in the real world, is that your wife isn’t experiencing your effort the same way you are.

SHE ISN'T RESPONDING TO YOUR EFFORT

This is where that mistranslation of the effort becomes so frustrating on your end (because even if you think it is better late than never and you admit to some complacency recently in your relationship), you are really trying to show her how much you care and want to fix the marriage. 

So it is easy to build frustration and think, if this is all she wanted all along why isn’t she responding to what I am trying?

And that is a fair question to ask...

The true answer is in the translation of how she is experiencing this effort.

Your wife usually isn't responding to what you're doing.

She's responding to what your effort now needs from her.

Big, big difference emotionally for her.

She isn't responding to the flowers or gifts, whatever it is you did to try harder.

She's responding to everything sitting underneath those things, which is really subconsciously knowing that those things are coming from a place of fear. 

And all those nice gestures carry the question of “is this making things better with us?”

Again, maybe not your full intention and you genuinely want to make things better, but when she is at the point of emotional disconnection and pulling away further, that is what those gestures communicate. 

And that's why trying harder so often creates more distance instead of less.

So does that mean you stop trying and give up and not care anymore?

SO DOES THAT MEAN YOU STOP TRYING?

Absolutely not, that would be just as unhealthy.

I don't want you to care less about your marriage but I do want you to aim your effort in the proper direction that actually creates change.

Because here's the truth…

Saving your marriage takes an unbelievable amount of effort.

Probably more effort than you've ever put into anything.

The problem is...most men are spending almost all of that effort trying to influence their wife.

Your effort belongs in becoming a man she naturally experiences differently.

That's the key.

Notice I didn't say...A man who tells her he's changed.

A man who proves he's changed.

Or a man who hopes she notices he's changed.

Experience will always beat explanation.

100 out of 100 times. 

You don't have to convince someone the weather is hot outside.

They can feel that heat.

And eventually your wife has to be able to feel the difference in you the same way.

But it only works if you look internally and know that you haven’t been showing up as you should have in the relationship, and you want to put the effort into becoming a better man for yourself first, the relationship as a byproduct. 

WHERE YOUR EFFORT SHOULD GO FROM TODAY FORWARD

As part of becoming a better man, you need to put your effort into becoming an emotionally grounded leader and someone who doesn’t need constant reassurance from your wife. 

If you have kids, you want to be the biggest influence that they can look up to because you lead them through the ups and downs of growing up. 

For your wife, you need to become a husband who creates emotional safety instead of emotional pressure.

What I learned through all my own failed relationships during my decade of heartbreak, and coaching other men who have been exactly where you are, is that the relationship usually takes the biggest possible change after the man takes the lead and changes first. 

The time isn’t spent figuring out some quick move to force your wife to reconnect.

Your entire dynamic will change when she finally starts experiencing someone she hasn't experienced before.

However, if you start putting that effort where it belongs, it is also a spot where most men become incredibly impatient.

They expect to see results immediately. And that's exactly where you may accidentally undo all of your progress.

DON’T QUIT RIGHT BEFORE THINGS CHANGE

Say you take everything I mentioned in this video seriously and really commit to making those changes. 

You stop trying to convince your wife that you've changed or asking her what she needs from you to fix things.

You put all of your effort into building yourself into the consistent leader the relationship needs. 

But for some reason, you are not getting the results you really expected to have right away. 

Do not make the mistake of completely losing confidence or thinking that you are doing the wrong things. 

Don’t tell yourself that you’ve been doing everything right for two weeks… and nothing’s changed.

You have to stay the course.

Your wife won’t be responding to who you are today, it will be to the months and years of repeated experiences. 

So you want to remove a timeline that you arbitrarily believe your wife should respond to by, because time is on your side and gives your new behavior enough opportunities to become believable by her subconscious .

Every time you show up and bring the new you to the environment, her confirmation bias is going to be fighting to not believe you actually have transformed.

So the more you actually embody that new you and give her those repeated experiences, the more her confirmation bias skews towards believing, YES, this ACTUALLY is the new you.

Time isn't doing the work.

You are doing the work on yourself, but time allows your work to become both visible, and believable. 

And the most important thing is that you are going to feel the difference in your own confidence and daily life regardless of when she notices. 

That is the beauty of it. I knew I was sick of getting the same results in my relationships and hated the feeling like I was at the mercy of what someone else decided.

When I took the time to become the best version of myself, everything in my life started to change with it, including how I showed up in romantic relationships. 

STOP ASKING THE WRONG QUESTION

So I really want you to contemplate if your changes are working on your wife.

Because if you ask that question every day and put your focus in that corner,  you're going to end up right back where you started.

Ask yourself "Am I becoming the man I said I wanted to become today?"

That question puts your focus EXACTLY where it needs to be to become that man AND make the changes be felt by your wife over time. 

Because now your success isn't determined by whether your wife smiled more today or seemed warmer, it is determined by whether you showed up with integrity and stayed true to your values. 

YOUR NEXT STEPS

So if this video helped you open your eyes that you've been putting all of your effort into trying to change your wife's mind...I really want you to watch my free Relationship Rebuild Masterclass.

Because today we've talked about where your effort should go.

But inside the free masterclass, I walk you through the complete framework I use with my coaching clients to rebuild emotional safety, trust, respect and attraction step by step.

The link for the masterclass is in the description and pinned comment below.

Watch the masterclass and start putting your effort where it actually creates change.

If you watch the masterclass and you realize you want to really commit to putting in the work to rebuild your leadership and your relationship,  towards the end you will have an opportunity to book a free strategy call to apply to work with me.

We’ll take your unique situation and I will guide you through your transformation to apply the skillset to your own relationship, which is the fastest way possible to start attracting that reconnection with your wife.  

So go watch that free masterclass today.

And if you’re not ready for the masterclass yet but want to know why your wife doesn’t feel emotionally safe with you, watch this video right here.