Today I’m going to show you the silent mistake that so many men make during separation that decimates their chances at reconnecting with their wife.

If you're currently separated from your wife, there's a good chance you're terrified of making a mistake that will seal the end of the marriage for good. 

Separation isn't just creating distance between you and your wife, and by the end of this video you’re going to understand what the mistake is that crushes most men's chances at reconnection and why separation is the greatest opportunity to turn both yourself and your marriage into the best they have ever been. 

SEPARATION TURNS LIFE INTO A WAITING ROOM

I know it can really feel like life has completely stopped when you’re dealing with the uncertainty of a separation. 

You still go to work, pay your bills and do all the administrative aspects of your life as best you can, but internally everything feels sort of frozen in time.

You spend a lot of time from when you wake up to going to bed, contemplating what is next but mostly thinking about her.

A lot of phone checks to see if she messaged you and basically wondering what she is doing, if she is talking to someone else or missing you in any shape or form. 

Then the next day you do it again, and the day after that.

So time goes by, months can go by, and it really feels frozen, like you’re emotionally standing still. 

I've seen men put their fitness goals on hold, their business goals on hold, their friendships and hobbies. 

A lot of time is being spent in the back of their mind with thoughts telling themselves that they swear they will start prioritizing all of those things again once they know what is happening with their marriage. 

If you’re thinking in a similar way right now, that is a very dangerous place to be. 

Your wife has become the custodian of your future.

And I can promise you, she does not want to be that…

But you’re making her that by ensuring that your ability to move forward is now dependent on information she hasn't even given you.

If your marriage is in crisis and separated, it’s not abnormal to have your mind occupied to the letter with the feeling of uncertainty. 

What I am saying is that it is important to differentiate between caring about your marriage and putting your life on hold for your marriage.

Caring about your marriage comes from commitment, and you shouldn’t be penalized for that. 

The penalty starts happening to you when you cross the line from caring into emotional dependence, and while you’re so involved emotionally in this it is hard to realize that the line has been crossed.  

One on the side of emotional dependence, you’re sitting on the outside of the door waiting to be let back in.

You’re waiting for permission to feel okay and move forward again. 

That is a brutal space to live in because every day starts feeling like it is a referendum on your worth and she controls the vote....and you've handed her the ballot. . 

WAITING FEELS LOYAL

And I have been caught in this trap before and burned myself thinking the same thing you probably are.

Waiting feels very loyal. 

When the person you love is taking the space to be away from you, you believe you’re a good guy and want to put a lot of things on hold while everything gets sorted out in your relationship. 

It is easy to not see it as a problem because you can rationalize it as proof of commitment. 

In fact, if I sat down with a lot of men going through separation and told them, you need to stop waiting on life right now.

Many of them would probably hem and haw (maybe recognize it not believe it) or would push back immediately and say but I love her, I still want my marriage, I don’t want to give up.

And I get why they would think that way, and if you’re thinking the same thing it’s because what you're afraid of isn't just losing the relationship.

The big fear is that you don’t want to do anything that you think will hinder your chances of reconciliation, and that if you start living again she may catch wind and believe she doesn’t matter to you anymore. 

I have felt that fear many times, and it never did anything useful for me in the end.

Waiting feels like the loyal and noble thing to do, but waiting for her to choose you is not the same thing as fighting for your marriage.

Waiting for her to choose you makes everything in your life when when when…

"When she decides...

"When she tells me..."

"When she figures it out..."

Do you see the problem?

All these conditions are now attached to your growth and your future. 

This is why it can feel like you are showing her that you are loyal and giving her time to come around, but what it really is is dependency and shows weakness.

Because you're slowly handing your emotional power over to someone who may not even know you're doing it, #1, and #2  If she does know, the longer separation goes on, the heavier that becomes on her.

THE PROBLEM IS EMOTIONAL SUSPENSION

A lot of separation advice focuses on space.

How much space. How little space. How long. How often.

When to text.

When not to text.

And I have talked about those things as well, and they can be useful to a degree…

But I think a lot miss the deeper issue, which is not the physical space but the emotional suspension. 

You can give your wife physical space while still making her the center of your emotional universe and thinking about her non-stop.

You can follow every "no contact" rule on the internet and still be completely emotionally dependent.

That's why some men technically give space but never actually create space.

And it is in the creation of the space where you can get your entire identity unattached to the outcome and stop from revolving around her.

If you’re just giving space but you're dependent emotionally on everything about her still you’re just waiting for that next piece of information.

It’s like after bungee jumping you’re just hanging there on the rope. You’re suspended, not moving forward, not moving backward…just hanging there waiting for the people running it to either pull you back up or come and let you down safely.

Either way you are at the mercy of them. 

It is very draining as well because you will spend a lot of that time suspended in separation and using your energy to mentally rehearse conversations that haven't happened or imagine worst case scenarios that don’t exist.

When often the deeper problem is that you've stopped moving while waiting for the separation to end.

And that is a critical mistake that can make or break what happens as far as a reconciliation.  

SHE CAN FEEL A MAN NEEDING SAVING

You may hear that and think, your wife doesn't even know what you’re doing. You’re separated. 

She's not around you every day. 

How would she possibly know whether you’re moving forward or not?

A woman may not know every detail of your life during separation. She may not know exactly what work you're doing on yourself (if you’re going to the gym or reading certain books)...

But if you have any interactions at all (which most likely just because you’re separated you will be having some sort of interactions; and for sure you will have them if you have kids together)... 

She will be able to feel the energy behind your interactions… she can often feel the energy behind your interactions.

She’ll whether you're standing on your own two feet or whether you're quietly waiting for her to save you from your pain.

And I know if you’re going through a separation it can be a painful experience because it feels like your world has just been picked up in a tornado and spun all over the place. 

Because that is the case, it makes it even more important for your own emotional recovery to become independent of her participation. 

If you're secretly hoping every conversation will finally be the one that changes everything...

You are going to struggle mightily to get the attraction back for you again in her.

You're making reconnection harder if you’re making her carry the key that controls your future.

If you take the time to create space for yourself and give yourself that emotional independence during separation, that helps create the conditions where attraction, trust, and respect can be fostered again.

You are able to have disagreements with her and she can still respect you, and she can still need time AND notice your growth concurrently. 

But she struggles to move toward you if your emotional standing is  waiting for her to rescue you.

SEPARATION SHOWS WHETHER YOUR CHANGE IS REAL

And the thing with separation is that your ability to talk your way into credibility is completely removed. 

That is a blessing or a curse depending on what your motive is.

The curse is that when you're living together, it's easy to make promises, continued conversations and explanations, sort of keeping her on this rope saying you will make certain changes. . 

Depending on the relationship, that may keep her on the hook for a long time. 

The blessing, and what you should be 100% focused on, is that separation creates distance, which has its own funny way of exposing reality. 

Now, those words basically don’t matter at all and the consistency you put into growing yourself is the only thing of consequence. 

When that space is created, she will now be evaluating (a lot of times subconsciously) who you are becoming.

And she is not looking for some amazing perfect flawless overnight transformation, but just consistency she hasn’t felt in your demeanor in a long time, if ever. 

This is where the real change shows up. 

Everybody can say they will make changes, anybody can promise change while she's still there.  

Or can say they are working on themselves if their wife keeps giving them chance after chance and sticks around.

Anybody can be calm when they're getting what they want or be confidence when everything is working as they think it should. 

The real test comes when you have no idea and you are sitting in the uncomfortable ocean of uncertainty. 

And this is the mindset that most people will not adopt, but I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt the ones that adopt this mindset turn separation into an absolutely incredible powerful season of growth. 

It forces you to untie all your actions and emotions to outcomes, which is where the real transformation can occur, which will change your life. 

If you are so focused on every movement she makes and the outcome with her for any action you take, it’s going to cause you to abandon any great work you are doing on yourself. 

If you think “I am only working on myself because I want to get her back, or I am being patient in order to get her back”, you are putting conditions on doing the right thing for you. 

So if you put an outcome expectation that is tied to her validating or rewarding you, you will be subconsciously tied to that outcome or expectation and if it doesn’t come at a time you have arbitrarily deemed acceptable, you change your effort of flat out quit. 

And the thing is, you would be on the correct path but have tied it to an unreasonable expectation. 

That is why you have to be committed to moving forward in creating change without that outcome in mind; it should be the wake up call for bettering your own life first. 

MEN WHO RECONNECT KEEP MOVING

Now I want to make an important distinction, when I am talking about moving forward during separation, it doesn’t mean “move on”. 

It just has to be understood that the men that I have helped reconnect successfully share this in common:

At some point, they understand why it is so important to stop making their growth dependent on the relationship.

They continue building and becoming the man they want to be regardless.

So you have to stop treating separation like a prison sentence with your wife acting as the warden who determines when you get to be let out.

You have to treat this time like a season of life that you are fully in control of and reclaim your power over yourself. 

So now that you are in control, what should you be doing while you are separated?

WHAT DO TO IN THIS SEASON OF SEPARATION

Let me give you a few practical things to start with.

We already said this, but it has to be emphasized again

FIRST...

Stop treating every day like a vote on the marriage.

A bad day doesn't mean you're doomed.

A good day doesn't mean you're reconciled.

Stop riding the emotional roller coaster of daily updates.

SECOND...

Build a life rhythm that doesn't depend on her response.

Make your life intentional…Make it so you wake up with purpose, it doesn’t matter how big or small.

If it is training for health, your work or business, being that 1% better parent every day.

All of that creates momentum for you. 

THIRD...

When you do have interactions or communication with your wife, focus on steadiness rather than results.

A lot of times men in this situation treat communication as a dwindling commodity because they are separated, so they become validation seeking and getting her to change her mind in that one conversation.

Instead, just lead by example without expecting anything in return. Stay calm and present, respectful. You don’t have to perform or convince her of anything, and if there is some contention on her end for whatever reason, do not take the bait.

You have to keep it positive and simply be your newer calmer identity. 

FOURTH...

This builds on the last one, allow your growth to become visible through consistency.

You don’t owe anybody else anything, your growth is entirely for you first.

So you don’t have to explain, or promise, or make dramatic declarations of your growth.

Should you celebrate as you hit little milestones as you’re growing in whatever area (fitness, work, being calmer in situations), yes absolutely.

Showing up as that consistent you is what helps people trust you, and it is no different with your wife.

No need to explain the change, just start embodying it. 

The strongest evidence of growth is not what you’re going to say, it is going to be how she experiences being around you or interacting with you. 

YOUR NEXT STEP

So if you are currently separated, I understand how painful and exhausting the uncertainty can feel like during this season. 

I know the waiting can feel endless.

But don't miss the opportunity hidden inside it.

The silent mistake men make during separation is turning it into a waiting room because it feels loyal and like you’re fighting for the marriage until the very end.

But often, all it really does is keep you anxious and emotionally stuck.

Don't waste this season waiting to become the man you could be becoming today. 

If you use this time correctly, you start building yourself into someone who feels completely rejuvenated and is what will create the conditions for your wife to start reconnecting with you again. 

You have to want to make those changes though, nobody can take that final step for you.

But if you want the step-by-step path to rebuilding connection with her, I have a free masterclass that will give you the blueprint.

Click on the link in the description below to watch that free masterclass today. You will see exactly what you have to start doing to get your wife moving towards you again. 

And if you want to know why all the trying harder to fix your marriage never works so save it, check out this video right here.