There’s a moment in almost every struggling marriage where you will feel it.

That shift where things feel like they are slipping away. The conversations feel heavier, she’s not as warm. 

And in that moment, most men make a decision and say to themselves “I’m not going to let this fall apart.”

And ironically… It is often the moment that they start doing all the wrong things which cause her to pull away even further.  

So in today’s video I am going to break down the things most men do to try and save their marriage that make her check out faster, and give you the counterintuitive way that will get your wife to start reconnecting with you and on the right path to a happy reconciliation. 

EFFORT CHANGES THE ENERGY

When you notice that your wife starts to have less emotional output: less enthusiasm, her responses get shorter, less initiation on her end, the most common way that men respond is to actually increase their emotional output. 

Speaking from experience, whenever each of my failed relationships (including my ex-fiance) were at a point where she was starting to check out emotionally from me, they would all go down the exact same path where I would have this snap realization that I have to put in more effort because something…

I didn’t know what, but something I was not doing was causing her to all of a sudden (the way I saw it) be very unsure about our relationship and where things were heading. 

I tried to talk more and tell my feelings about how much I loved her and how perfect we were for each other, trying to solve why she was feeling that way by giving her reassurance of my love and commitment for her. 

This made complete sense in my eyes, because it felt like I was stabilizing the relationship by providing things emotionally that maybe I was slacking on once I got comfortable with the relationship and was just living through the daily motions. 

I had no idea, and most likely you don’t either, was that this causes a pacing mismatch. She slows down and you speed up; well now you’re not moving together you’re actually moving against each other. 

Because of the panic and realization you have to do some sort of action to fix things, you start micro-managing the relationship; but what she starts managing is the distance between you emotionally.

As soon as you begin compensating for her emotional reduction in the relationship (that started taking place subconsciously LONG before she started showing signs you could actually notice), the energy becomes uneven.

So the more you try to correct that imbalance by leaning into her with your own emotions the more unnatural the dynamic becomes.

You’re not wrong for trying this way, and I want to say I was not wrong for trying so many times this way as well because this was all I ever knew and was exposed to.

 I thought, oh I have to save this and make up for all the slacking I may have done at the tail end of these relationships, but what I didn’t know is that when she is emotionally drained, taking these kinds of actions and increasing the intensity of them does not create emotional safety. 

To me, I thought I was showing how much I was committed and how much I cared, but when it didn’t work AGAIN while the relationship with my ex-fiancé was crumbling, to a point where she finally called off the engagement and broke up with me, I had to finally realize there was something I was doing wrong and was not a victim of another bad circumstance. 

What I realized after going through that experience again was that I truly had no clue how attraction worked and what being a leader in a relationship was.

THE SUBTLE LOSS OF GRAVITY

I didn’t know that attraction has gravity. I didn’t know that stability has weight. 

I didn’t know that, when you’re actually grounded and steady (I don’t want to say indifferent but almost to a point you’re indifferent - it’s probably better to just say unperturbed), that makes you feel safe to her and strong as a masculine leader. 

But when you start orbiting her reactions… you lose that weight as a leader, and her attraction with it. .

When you over-monitor her moods, when you over-explain your intentions, when you over-correct every piece of tension… you’re communicating something underneath all of it.

Which, unfortunately, is not love and care, it is actually instability.

I remember when my ex-fiance called it off after we got back from vacation and she was at her place, I was trying to get her on the phone so I could just pour my heart out and explain to her, and convince her how good we are for each other. 

All I had been exposed to, and this was almost 10 years ago when I was in my mid-30s, and at the time I still had NO idea what made women tick… All I was exposed to was movies and TV shows, and romantic comedies where the man pours his heart out with such passion and it makes her reconsider.

So it’s not like I went in doing that as my strategy, it just started happening naturally based on what i was exposed to…and I’ve got her on the phone and I am like telling her “I love you so much..” “We are made for each other, we are supposed to be together”... 

And I was crying and getting louder, and pouring my heart out … and thinking back it is making me cringe but I will never forget it. I expected something like: Well what you see in movies, this realization on her end that yes she loves me a lot and we can make everything work.

I tell you… the other side of that phone call… it was just frozen cold… she was just like, so cold… and monotone, like “I’m sorry but I can’t anymore”. And that was basically it…

Obviously it is so easy for me to pinpoint now how weak and beta that made me look, and it was like the cherry on top of the similar type of lack of leadership behavior as the man during our entire relationship that lead her down the path to disconnect from me emotionally (even though she was the one who asked me to marry her).

That is how much I decimated attraction through my behavior over the relationship. 

Anyway, it was the last time I ever did something like that (groveling and acting so beta) before I went on the journey learning what made me become who am today (and why I dedicated myself to help men who are in that same state and situation where they have such good intentions but they don’t understand women).

WHERE MEN START DISAPPEARING

This is the part that’s harder to see for a lot of men, because it’s not just about what she feels when the relationship is going down this path where connection is getting damaged, it is also about what starts happening to you (and me during my experiences) as a man.  

I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with men in my free strategy calls during the application process for my coaching program who tell me everything that has been going on in their marriage or relationship, and there is such a common theme that surfaces. 

What happens is not just these desperation attempts to increase effort in their relationship so they can get her emotions engaged again, but also it’s so common for men to start abandoning themselves, they stopped saying what they really thought to her because they didn’t want conflict or to upset her, and they softened standards (and basically lifted all their boundaries) because they didn’t want tension.

I understand the logic, it’s easier to walk on eggshells and just play it safe or careful so as to not upset her. 

But careful energy is different from stable energy, and it is STABLE energy that starts to do the right things to her nervous system that makes her feel some emotional safety. 

When your identity becomes reactive instead of rooted in grounded calm energy, that is where the erosion begins…and when you realize it’s not going well and the panic default of trying harder sets in, that is what accelerates her journey OUT of the marriage.

THE COUNTERINTUITIVE MOVE

So if trying harder accelerates distance…what actually slows it down and brings her back towards you again?

This is where  a lot of advice goes wrong when you are asking friends and family.

Because people will tell you to:

Withdraw or  mirror her coldness; go and try to create jealousy.

That’s not really going to help either of you two, to be honest. 

What you have to do is not pull away to punish her but stabilize yourself so the emotional noise decreases.

See, like we were talking about, our go to move when something like this happens and panic wanting to save the relationship is to increase emotional volume with all of those actions like pouring our heart out, trying to convince her of things, and the like.

The counterintuitive key is that you have to lower the emotional volume by not trying to get her into initiating heavy conversations to solve the marriage so that you can explain why you should stay together and explain why you both need to work on it. 

You have to turn down the volume by maintaining your life structure, and I get that it can be difficult to do because everything in your body tells you to take these actions to save it…when you’re laying awake at 2 in the morning mind racing with uncertainty (I get it I have been there MANY many times), but you have to get back to your routines as a man and find the ability to be grounded.

Take a step back and understand there is nothing you can say logically to her that is going to change the way she feels, you have to start leading decisions calmly instead of trying to negotiate everything. 

You need to create space in the sense that you are positive and going about your purpose as a man, and allow her to process her feelings without putting urgency on her shoulders to make a decision and commit to fixing everything. 

The more you are able to do this, and learn the skills required to be solid as a leader in the relationship and focus on what really matters when it comes to creating polarity, the more she will be able to start to process everything and her nervous system will relax. 

I get it, believe me I do, me saying “hey just try to be positive in your days” does not sound helpful when you’re anxious about the future, but I promise you if you start to implement these changes daily and by showing up in a calm, positive manner as man (which is completely counterintuitive to the situation you are in), this is what allows her to feel less emotional demand attached to every interaction where she feels like you are living in scarcity and demanding an immediate resolution to the issues. 

There’s no longer an undercurrent of, “Are we okay? Are we okay? Are we okay?”

This is SO huge in allowing connection room to breathe, and if you are able to continue to grow as a leader in the relationship that is what allows this breathing room for her to start working in your favor in terms of reconnection and reconciliation. 

When you remove the emotional chase, you allow her to feel her own movement again.

HOPEFUL TRUTH

So if she’s checking out right now, and you are panicking trying to think of all the things you can do to get her back in your corner, and the things you have tried just are not working, this is because you are generally trying from fear. 

You have to get aligned and become steady, rebuild that purpose and direction as the man and leader of the relationship, and you can do all that without trying to get her participation in it. 

You don’t need her to show up to counselling or therapy that she doesn’t want to even show up to, you just have to start implementing the right framework and get you on the track to leading yourself again to then lead her confidently in the relationship. 

If this resonates with you, if you recognize yourself in this pattern,  then you need to understand emotional leadership at a deeper level.

Saving your marriage is not about trying harder, it’s not about just pouring your heart out to her about how much you love her, it is NOT about buying her nice gifts to bribe her love back, no matter what anyone tells you. 

So, if you’re serious about rebuilding this I invite you to go watch my free Relationship Rebuild masterclass. In it I walk through that step-by-step process that changed my life, and that will give you the tools to be the leader your relationship needs.

This is the only way to truly build that connection and attraction from her again, but more importantly give you the confidence and leadership skills so you can have the happy relationship you have been wanting. 

Click the link in the description or pinned comment below to watch the free masterclass today. 

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I will see you in the next episode.