If someone were to ask you what is the primary determining factor to whether your wife connects with you again emotionally, what would your answer be?

Would it be getting her to understand how much you love her and are trying?

Would it be convincing her how great your relationship once was and that you can get back to that?

Or would it be, she just has to understand you finally realized what you’re doing wrong?

I have answered that question myself with each of those at one time or another in my life, and I can tell you that none of them are the right answer. 

So by the end of this video, you’re going to know exactly why those are all the wrong answers and what you must do, non-negotiable, in order to get her to check-in to your relationship again. 

WHEN FEAR DISGUISES ITSELF AS LOVE 

Some of the most frustrating moments you will ever experience are after you identify that your wife has checked out and you want to do anything you can to change the way she feels. 

It feels like going through this checklist of different things that you believe will convince her to believe you and realize that yes, you can be happy together moving forward.

Taking all those different actions to try and convince her feels very productive, it feels like after a self-admitted time where you maybe became complacent in the relationship, you are finally doing the things that allow you to fight for your marriage. 

You’re not just going to give up, and to be quite honest those are admirable qualities. 

There are plenty of people out there who just let entropy set in.

As admirable as those qualities are of fighting for the relationship, I really think it is important to look at what is driving them, deep down. 

It is this fear that if you don’t go through the list of possible things you can do to try and save it, you will lose her forever and your world will turn upside down.

It is the feeling of fear that I know all too well. 

Fear that, even when I was younger and I look back to when one of my long term relationships was collapsing, it would make me ignore what was actually pretty decent advice from one of my close friends at the time.

Fear that causes your nervous system to start looking for certainty when there is no certainty to be found.

And when it is not found, it becomes something that you are trying to create for yourself.

You try to create it with her by explaining yourself better to try and make her understand how much she means to you and that you either “are different now” or want to be different.

Like I mentioned, admirable notion, but rooted in being a scared guy that I know exactly the feeling of.

if you've been married for five years,  ten years..fifteen years..even twenty years…

The thought of losing your wife and your family is terrifying.

It’s like adding a half decade every time just increases the fear level because as more time goes by the further removed you become from a time when you had an identity before the relationship.

So, of course your mind starts searching for something it can control.

More words  and conversations that are easy to reach for and initiate that feel like it could help make progress in repairing things.

The difficult truth to hear is that  just because something feels productive doesn't mean it's producing the result you want.

Imagine a company who you had repeated really bad customer service experiences with, and you decided that you don't trust that company anymore.

For whatever reason, every week, the CEO sends another email promising that things are going to improve.

The tell you the staple things  "We've heard your concerns." "We're committed to change."

"We're taking this seriously."

After the fifth email…you’re really not interested at all. You couldn’t care less to see those, and your mind might think "I'll believe it when I see it."

You’re not being cynical, you’re just responding to the consistent experience you have had with them vs. the powerful promises that are being made by the CEO. 

Now think about your marriage.

If your wife has heard, "I'm sorry." "I'll change.” and whatever other things you may have said more than once over the years…

There comes a point where her brain naturally starts protecting itself because her experience is telling her something WAYYY different than those promises.

She is not being stubborn, or actively trying to punish you. She is really just a victim of psychology having an impact on her that she cannot control, and may not even be aware of. 

Once you fully understand and accept that, something really important starts to click.

The issue isn't that you haven't found the right words yet, it’s that the words don’t carry any meaningful weight anymore (if they once did). 

Think back to conversations you have had with her over the last few months.

How many of them have ended with you feeling like she still isn’t getting it, or it feels like she is purposefully being cold and difficult while not wanting to see how hard you’re trying.

I mean, those thoughts are incredibly common for guys who are in your exact position..

But they also reveal something important.

Notice where your attention is.

It's completely focused on changing her perception.

Changing her mind.

Changing her feelings.

Because deep down, and I know this to be true. I used to always do everything I could to get her to finally see. Hoping it would click for her.

But you're hoping that if you can finally get her to see what you see the relationship will start healing.

It's logical, I know. But it also puts you in a position where your emotional state depends on whether she responds the way you hoped she would.

That…is exhausting. And truly the exact opposite of what will allow for her to open up to you again. .

WHY SHE STOPPED BELIEVING THE WORDS 

Now when I say "Stop trying to convince her," it can be frustrating to hear because that is the only gear we really know how to do. 

So it almost sounds like I am telling you to do nothing, which feels like you are just giving up and accepting a roommate type relationship until it breaks for good.

No…not at all. In fact, I actually want you to become more intentional than you've ever been.

Just… in a completely different direction.

Because there's a sizable difference between trying to convince her and learning how to feel like a natural confident leader as a man and give her a completely different experience of you.

I don’t want to say that your wife isn’t listening to what you say anymore…

But she isn’t JUST listening to what you say anymore.

Because of everything that has caused the dynamic to end up at this point, her nervous system is acting as a judge of how it feels to be around you. 

She is trying to determine if you are calmer, and you don’t snap back at her in a defensive way.

And whether you can tolerate disagreement without either spiraling, or just giving into whatever she wants so you don’t make her mad (in your mind). 

Her nervous system is subconsciously just collecting that evidence of how it feels while (if you haven’t gotten to a point where you have just completely withdrawn), you are still trying to win the conversation.

Your intentions are really good, but your tires just keep spinning in the mud every time you try. 

SHE ISN'T LOOKING FOR ANOTHER PROMISE 

Something to also take into account is that, you have to realize a lot of the time it becomes where people don’t trust our intentions.

WIth your wife, I don’t want to say she doesn’t trust your intentions, but what happens is that intentions alone become devalued. 

Even devalued may seem like a bit of a harsh way to put it, so I will say the intentions get overridden by the patterns that you have been exhibiting in the relationship. 

People trust the patterns they see.

Your intention might genuinely be to become a calmer husband and a stronger leader, or a more emotionally grounded man. 

Your wife may even believe that's what you want.

But wanting something and not being able to implement it and live it consistently are very different. 

A good way to really understand this is that, every time you have tried to convince her that you’ve changed or just that things in the relationship can and will get better overall, you're unintentionally asking her to skip the process.

You're asking her to just arrive at trust...

But she has not accumulated enough experiences to naturally feel it.

In fact, if she has checked out then she has really accumulated too many of the opposite experiences to get where she is now. 

LIke I said maybe she even wants to believe you and that you’re really trying but emotionally she isn't there yet.

So now she feels pressure because you're asking her heart to move faster than it honestly can.

That emotional safety has to be created properly first to allow her heart to catch up to that feeling. 

Trust is incredibly quiet and it rebuilds in moments built up over time. 

If you’re doing the correct things that start to repair that trust and create emotional safety, to be honest most of them don't even get acknowledged.

But they're like putting another brick on a foundation, one brick doesn't build a house.

GO FROM CONVINCING TO THIS

So I want you to think about this for a second..

Imagine that from today onward you never tried to convince your wife of anything ever again.

You realize that it hasn't helped you move towards what you want and, humor me for a moment, you agree that belief from her can’t be argued into fruition. 

How would you show up differently?

I think for most men the answer could be freeing. 

I know for me, when I stopped trying to expend so much of my energy trying to get her to see things my way, and started to understand how feminine emotions actually work, things became easier. 

I also know that from where you are sitting right now, the frustration you feel right now, it is hard to hear that and think it is true.

But, it is…

When you stop trying to force something that simply can’t be forced, and start to apply the principles of leadership to your relationship, you will start to see the crack in her wall that is currently up. 

The first step is to come to terms with being willing to implement the work knowing that your wife may not acknowledge fully for a bit of time.

If you answer “no” to the question “would that keep you from learning all the skills to be the leader of the relationship?”, then you are on the right track with the first step. 

The next step is to start learning how to become the evidence in her daily life.

That means starting to show up with intention as a man who is willing to create emotional safety for her. 

To do that, you have to learn how to validate her feelings no matter what she says.

Even if it is the wildest thing you have ever heard and you completely disagree with it, there is a skill to be able to validate how she feels and then be able to have a conversation about what she is saying.

See, for almost all of us guys (including me for over a decade), we have no idea how to do that first step, and jump right into trying to break down what she said because we vehemently disagree with it.

And that is where the endless arguments start, and the express lane to emotional checkout begins.

But I promise you, if you can at least start to understand how to create the emotional safety first and be willing to endure some time of uncertainty while her confirmation is disarmed, you will get to a point where her respect and attraction to you will start to increase again. 

SHE DOESN'T NEED TO HEAR IT ANYMORE 

And what I want you to remember while you are committed to this process, if your wife has emotionally checked out your job isn't to convince her that you're becoming a different man.

Your job is to actually just become one.

If you’re able to start living from your values instead of your fear, that action will help you naturally become calmer and more consistent because you will be acting from the end. 

You will not have to chase reassurance from her or try to control every outcome because you will have set the proper goal, which allows you to start creating interactions that feel different to her.

Who you start to become is the real win in all of this, but it is also what is required to attain the true outcome that you want, rebuilding that love and attraction with her. 

There are so many men that I talk to when they first join my coaching program who feel incredibly frustrated as they have gone through the phases of trying to do everything they can to convince their wife to fix things, to a point where they almost feel like giving up.

I am telling you, do not give up if this is you right now.

There is information all over the internet telling you various things, but few actually tell you how to implement them and what of the myriad of information is actually useful. 

Your job as a man in the relationship is to control the controllables, which is learning how to show up as the best leader you can be.

So if you really have the right intentions but can’t figure out how to do it properly because of all the noise out there, that is exactly why I created my free masterclass.

It is made to show you the proper path that will help you do the RIGHT things that will attract her back faster than trying to decipher what is the right thing to do with everything else out there.

I encourage you to go watch that free masterclass linked in the description today, because the longer you go without taking the proper action will both leave you feeling more frustrated, and her closer to fully believing nothing will ever change. 

If the masterclass resonates with you, at the end you will have a chance to book a free strategy call to apply to work with me, where we'll take your unique situation and I will help you apply the skills to your own relationship so you can stop guessing and start leading with confidence. 

This is what will make all the difference in turning your relationship around. 

And if you’re wondering why your wife still feels unsafe no matter how hard you are trying, check out this next video right here.