What if I told you that when you think you’re being vulnerable by telling your wife how scared you are to lose her, how much you love her and how much you want to fix things in your marriage, you’re actually pushing her further away instead of pulling her closer?

You’re not alone. This is one of the most common patterns I see in marriages on the brink of total collapse.

So in this video, I’m going to break down the real reason your wife pulls further away when you open up and be that version of vulnerable, and what healthy, masculine vulnerability actually looks like.

Because when you get this right, it will change the entire trajectory of your relationship and send you down a path to a flourishing marriage instead of going through the motions in a dark cloud or making appointments at the divorce lawyer. 

Before we dive in: if you’re a man in a marriage crisis and you want the fastest path to saving it, after this video I invite you to go watch my free masterclass. The link for that masterclass is in the description below. It dives into what actually works to rebuild connection and save your marriage the fastest way.

Also, if you appreciate me making content like this, go ahead and tap that like button so YouTube can find other men who need the help as well. 

Alright. Let’s get into it.

The Mistake Of “Opening Up” 

Most men have never actually been taught what vulnerability really is, or at least, what we HAVE been shown in the movies and tv shows we consume is conditioning us to act in the wrong way when it really matters.  

So when their marriage or long-term relationship starts falling apart, most men’s version of vulnerability becomes confessing fears, or guilt and insecurity; and part of this becomes dumping THEIR emotional pain onto her and professing how much they need her.

SO what happens is the vibe they give off is “please don’t leave me” vulnerability, instead of the appropriate leadership vulnerability.

In hearing this, don’t think that women pull away from your vulnerability.

They pull away from your emotional instability.

There’s a DISTINCT difference.

True Vulnerability says to her:
“I feel this. I’m grounded. I’m not collapsing. And I’m going to share this with clarity.”

Instability says to her:

“I feel this…. And I NEED YOU to fix it for me. I need reassurance, and the less I get of it I’m going to collapse on you emotionally.”

When you lay it out in those words, you can see how one makes her feel closer and the other one makes her feel RESPONSIBLE for you.

And if you go long enough where she feels responsible for your emotional state?

She can’t relax or trust you, and attraction starts to dwindle very fast. 

It is during this phase (no matter how long, can be months or even years), she moves into survival mode, and survival mode shuts down the overall connection.

What Your “Honesty” Feels Like to Her 

As much as we believe that women love to talk (and it is true, there are a variety of different studies but generally women speak anywhere from 3-12 thousand more words per day than men), the part that is misunderstood is that women actually DON’T respond to words FIRST, they respond to states. 

So when you “open up” and speak a bunch of words that are coming from a state of fear, anxiety, or panic… your wife  doesn’t hear your words.

She is just feeling your emotional state.

She feels that you need something from her that she can’t give you, and that you want reassurance from her that she doesn’t feel during this time. 

When that happens, she starts to feel trapped and pressured, with a touch of guilt piling on because now she can’t meet your emotional needs that you are putting onto her shoulders. 

This guilt is one of the fastest ways to kill attraction and is so many men (when they are not getting the response from her they think they should) say to their spouse:

“But I’m being honest with you. I’m opening up and communicating just like you wanted me to, and I am telling you how I feel.
 

Yeah, you are doing all of those things — but you’re communicating through the energy of collapse, not the energy of clarity.

And clarity is what creates emotional  safety.

This brings us to the next piece…

The Emotional Reversal 

In healthy marriages, the emotional polarity looks like this:

You → grounded, steady, emotionally clear
She→ expressive, emotional, supported, understood

When a marriage is in crisis, that polarity has shifted and is essentially reversed to a certain degree.

So now, suddenly:

You → anxious, emotional, fearful
She → numb, overwhelmed, and ultimately shut down when this goes on for extended periods of time.

This reversal makes her brain go into survival mode.

And when a woman is in survival mode?

She loses access to warmth, empathy, desire, compassion, emotional closeness, and attraction

And when a man is in this phase of collapse in the emotional reversal, he “opens up” from the wrong state… and that pushes her deeper into shutdown and is no longer assuming the emotional leadership burden of the relationship. 

This is why the kindest, most loving men, and even incredibly successful career men (I mean look what happened to Tom Brady and Giselle), these men also get pulled away from by their women because they are not being the grounded present leaders in the relationship that is required to have a thriving one. 

True Masculine Vulnerability

SO when we are talking about true masculine vulnerability, we are not talking about unhealthy vulnerability.

Unhealthy vulnerability is when you start dumping your pain on her and begging for reassurances, which tells her that you need emotional rescue from her and you’re sharing just unfiltered emotion based on that need.

Actual healthy masculine vulnerability, which is just not taught to us, contains the following 5 components:

1. Being Self-led

That means you’ve processed your emotions first. You’re not handing them to her to fix.

2. Being Grounded

Everything about your presence feeds into the safety that she needs to feel through the energy of your nervous system, not the specific words you say.

3. Being Clear and contained

I don’t want you to conflate me saying you don’t dump your pain on her or share your emotions as saying you keep everything inside and not open up.

That is not what I am saying, but when you share what’s real , you have to do it in a way that doesn’t collapse into her.

That is the masculine way of being vulnerable. 

4. Being Responsibility-based

This relates to sharing your emotions and feelings in the masculine way. 

You don’t place your emotional state on her shoulders, there is a way to communicate them that actually raises attraction in her, even if you are dealing with your own human emotions. 

5. Be Directional

To expand on number four, you have to be directional in what you share. The key is to show her your emotions and where you’re going related to those emotions.

This kind of vulnerability attracts her because it restores polarity and emotional safety.

It restores her ability to feel close again.

Open Up Without Pushing Her Away 

So when you truly integrate those 5 components into your skillset, this is what sets you apart from most men in terms of being able to successfully be vulnerable in a masculine way that actually leads the relationship and raises her attraction for you.

This skillset allows you to acknowledge your reality with clarity in such a way that you can communicate to her while taking full ownership. 

When you are able to really master this, and know the difference between sharing your direction and sharing your desperation with her, this is the type of energy that allows her to breathe and not feel manipulated or that your entire world hinges on her validation of you. 

This is the way to get her to open back up and begin that reconciliation process on the right path. 

Conclusion

If this video hit home for you and gave you a realization that you’ve been trying to “open up” from a place of fear, I don’t want you to beat yourself up about it because you weren’t taught this, basically none of us men were. 

But if you want the step-by-step structure for how to rebuild emotional safety and show up as a grounded leader where can rebuild your relationship with your wife and save your relationship, 

Watch the free masterclass I built for men exactly in your situation.

Click the link in the description below for that free masterclass that shows you the exact path that TRULY WORKS to rebuilding connection.

Also, please hit the like button if you enjoyed this video and subscribe to the channel for more content just like this.

Thanks for watching, and I will see you in the next episode.