YOU NEVER LISTEN!

Has your wife ever looked you straight in the eyes and said those words?

If she has...I bet your first reaction sounded something like,

"What do you mean I don't listen? I remember exactly what you just said."

I know my reactions certainly did.

And honestly...that's exactly why these conversations keep going in circles.

When your wife says, "You never listen," she's usually not talking about your hearing at all. 

Today I'm going to show you the mistake almost every husband makes when he hears those words... because almost nobody explains what they actually mean.

YOU'RE LISTENING TO HER WORDS

Something that I know a lot of men deal with, and I would just get burned over and over again myself, was focusing so much on listening to her words.

I am a very logical and rational guy, so whenever I would listen to what words were being said to me, I would always be very quick to have a rebuttal based on logic to whatever was being said.

And I would get told that I never listen to her, and then I would basically cause an argument because I was so frustrated because I know FOR A FACT that I listened and paid attention to every word that was said, so I know I listened. 

And you know what? Technically, I was right.

I was SO good at listening and being able to quickly come back with a counterpoint to almost outlogic what she was saying, that the entire mistake I was making over and over kept going right over my head. 

She is not using the standard that I thought (and most likely you believe as well), and I kept getting the same result over and over again until I realized I am clearly messing something up somewhere. 

Your wife isn't measuring listening by how much of the words or  information you absorbed. That definitely helps, but it isn’t the main standard. 

She's measuring it by how she felt while she was talking to you.

It’s like going to your FAVOURITE restaurant.

The waiter got your order exactly right. Every single detail (even if you are the type to do a lot of modifications). 

The food arrived exactly as you requested, however, the entire time you were at the restaurant the waiter rushed you, interrupted you, barely looked at you, and made you feel like he wanted you to leave.

Technically...He did his job.

But what would you remember afterward?

Not the accuracy of how great he remembered your order perfectly, but the rest of the experience is going to overshadow everything. 

Your wife will look at it in a similar way; she’s not going to walk away thinking “he remembered everything I said” (again, that is a great thing to be able to do as well). 

What SHE will be looking at and remembering is if she felt dismissed as she was trying to convey her emotions; did she feel rushed and like you were so eager to jump in to get your turn to speak so you could try to fix her instead of understand her. 

It boils down to, did she feel safe enough to fully express what was on her mind?

I don’t want you to get discouraged though because just like I talk to so many clients on coaching calls and potential clients on discovery calls, there are so many good guys that are not doing these things intentionally to try and make their wife feel like she is unheard. 

Similar to you, most likely, you are trying to solve the problem and you really care to make things better; and as great as that is, it can still make her feel like you haven’t understood what the experience has actually been like for her. 

Ya’ see, you have yourself trying to solve and her trying to be understood emotionally before anything can really even get solved. 

It’s like square peg, round hole. 

You’re thinking, man I listened to her for 15, 20 minutes, and she’s like “this guy never really heard me” 

Look at how frustrating that sounds from a bird's eye view. 

If you don’t have that birds eye view understanding, this is where our first instinct will always lead to more problems in the relationship because you are ultimately convincing your wife she will never be heard. 

That first instinct is usually, what?

YOUR FIRST REACTION USUALLY PROVES HER POINT

Well lets run through a conversation that there is a HIGH percentage chance you have had with your wife before. 

Your wife says our favorite phrase, "You never listen to me."

And your brain starts to (in nanoseconds) build a case of defense statements: 

"That's not true.” "I remember exactly what you told me." "You're being unfair."

Sound familiar? Familiar to me for sure, got chills just saying those statements. 

It's almost automatic to us because if someone straight up tells you that you never listen but you know you do, it feels like they are directly attacking your character and your motives. 

So up go the defenses like Iron Man’s suit rapidly deploying around him. 

It’s a natural instinct, but while you’re busy proving that you listened to her she’s still trying to communicate why she feels unheard. 

And really you can admit to yourself that you feel sort of the same way; you’re on two different wavelengths so you both feel unheard in your own way. 

This is something I really had to struggle and learn myself, and it's something I coach men through all the time.

Your first responsibility in these conversations isn't to decide whether she's objectively right.

You have to really start turning your focus on why she experienced the conversation the way she did, and really start to understand the conversation she is actually trying to have. 

Because she IS trying to have a different conversation…

So let's go a bit deeper into that for a second because I think this will really help you gain the perspective that is needed.

CONVERSATION SHE'S ACTUALLY TRYING TO HAVE

Have you ever walked away from a conversation with your wife thinking I literally have no idea what she wanted me to say to her. 

I have… I know you probably have…Most men have.

When you’re having these arguments about dishes or taking out the garbage, or the way you responded yesterday or to something that happened three months ago. 

We all get lost in the sauce of trying to solve that topic or issue, again with our defense system powering up very quickly, and we completely miss the conversation she is actually trying to have underneath. 

How many times has your wife told you “you never help around the house” or “you never help with the kids”, and you basically do a quick file folder search of your memory and come up with one really fast:

"What do you mean? I emptied the dishwasher yesterday. I mowed the lawn on Saturday. I took the garbage out this morning.", yadda yadda. 

It just becomes this courtroom of her prosecuting you and you presenting all this evidence in defense. 

It gets so far off track and into another fight that worsens.

The reality is, what she is really trying to describe is her emotional experience…

And as much as the facts we present make sense to us, you’re essentially trying to correct her with facts that have no bearing on her own emotional experience. 

Because when this festers on long enough in your relationship, she is often trying to convey her feelings of loneliness, disappointment, exhaustion, or something else emotionally but it is coming to the surface during these seemingly minute issues or squabbles. 

I have to be honest, very few wives are actually trying to win an argument. Yes there are exceptions. I get it…

But most are trying to communicate an experience they've struggled to put into words.

And when you only respond to the facts you accidentally leave that experience untouched.

So one thing you can start doing which will help you in the communication with your wife by MILES, is instead of assuming you know exactly what your wife means when she says things like that to you…

Slow yourself down enough to check your understanding. 

You can straight up ask her questions instead of just running to the defenses, that will automatically help you out with her emotions as long as you are asking half decent questions. 

If she says you don’t help around the house, pulling out the mental rolodex to find the last time you did will lead you down the path of disconnection. 

You can ask her, it sounds like you’re frustrated and feel like I haven’t been pulling my weight around here, is that what you're trying to tell me?

You are trying to understand what is making her feel that way or lash out at you. 

And if you start asking questions instead of assuming, you might actually find a deeper root cause of her frustrations beyond just helping around the house. 

So the next time you get caught in the unpleasant position of being told that you never listen (even though you know you heard her words), don’t think about the words themselves. 

Take a moment to holster your quick response in frustration and think about what she may be saying emotionally from an experience perspective because that is what will start getting you close to solving the real issue instead of the surface level one.

Then, before you offer your opinion or a fact to just shut her down, try putting that emotion into your own words and simply ask,

"Is that what you've been trying to tell me?"

You might be surprised how often the conversation changes right there.

TECHNIQUES DON’T CHANGE YOUR MARRIAGE

Now I want to leave you with one final thought.

If you've gotten to this point, you’re actually going to start making changes in your relationship because you care…

You also know that your wife wasn't asking you to become better at remembering conversations.

You should be doing that and caring about what she says, and asking her questions…

But she wasn't handing you a communication test that you somehow kept failing, she was trying to help you understand what it has actually felt like to be in a relationship with you.

You can now start treating every conversation like it is quietly teaching your wife something about who you are becoming… because it is if you start showing up in them the right way. 

And why I wanted to make this video is because I think too many men hear "You never listen." ..and they immediately start trying to improve their communication.

Which is great, like I said…that is something we have to be doing and it has an great impact.

But if you just focus on communication techniques such as better eye contact, it will often take your focus away from the question your wife is generally asking in reality, which is “can she trust the man she is talking to”. 

So from today forward, don’t hear "You never listen..."  as an accusation.

Think of it like an invitation.

It will change the way you show up if you start seeing things with the right perspective.

I know Jim Rohn used to say turn frustration into fascination.

Instead of being frustrated by something, be fascinated about it to learn more.

This is a great principle to apply to communication with your wife, because the invitation she is giving you when she says you never listen is the invitation to become curious about the experience she's having with you as her emotions tell it.

If you become more fascinated and interested in understanding rather than defending...your conversations and the connection with your wife will change drastically over time.  

Those conversations also help to begin changing the relationship itself.

FREE MASTERCLASS

So hopefully this video helped you realize that your wife isn't asking you to have a better memory, but is really asking for a different experience...

And if you realize that now, then I also want to invite you to watch my free Relationship Rebuild Masterclass.

Because understanding why these conversations keep happening is an important first step.

But knowing how to consistently show up as the grounded leader of the relationship when emotions are high, old patterns show up, and the stakes feel enormous...

Well that's where most men struggle on their own.

Inside the masterclass, I'll walk you through the same core principles I teach the men I coach, so you can start rebuilding the trust, emotional safety, and leadership that healthy marriages are built on.

I'll leave the link to the free masterclass in the description and pinned comment below.