In this video today, I am going to show you why your wife can look at all the effort you’re putting in and still say, ‘Nothing has changed’... even when that isn’t completely true. 

More importantly, I’m going to show you what she may actually be looking for, why changing a few behaviors is not always the same as changing the deeper pattern underneath them, and three moments that will tell you whether the changes you’re making are really starting to stick. 

Because she may already see more of your changes than you think, she just may not be measuring change the same way you are. 

“BUT I HAVE CHANGED”

I think what makes this such a tough situation is that, if you’re trying to really grow and be a better guy, it can be presented to you as if you’re doing stuff for the wrong reasons, or you’re being fake just to get a result. 

For the most part, it’s just not true. 

Maybe this whole struggle in your marriage really woke you up and made you see things about yourself that you did not see before.

All of the guys I talk to who enroll in my coaching program do so because they came to a realization that (despite obviously both parties contributing to where the relationship has ended up), they realize how much they have contributed and really want to take ownership of that.

So think about your marriage, think about areas where you may have let slide or were maybe ignored for the majority of the relationship.

It could be coming to the realization that, yeah you noticed that you stopped listening years ago, or that you (more often than not) got defensive every time she brought up a problem or how she felt about something. 

Another very common scenario is that you look back and realize that you were always working and tired, or really just expecting her to tell you that everything was okay.

If you’re having that introspection and actually starting to do something about all those things, that really counts and you deserve credit for taking that step.

If she says that nothing has changed, it can feel pretty deflating because your mind will almost translate those words from her to sound like she’s telling you  that you’re doing nothing (when you know you’re putting in that effort). 

Instead of translating her words to that, think about it by turning it into a question: What is she still afraid will happen again?

Because that may be much closer to what she is trying to communicate to you.

Let me give you an example…

THE CAR THAT ALWAYS OVERHEATS

When I was younger, talking the late 1980s and I was 6 or 7… my grandfather gave our family a brown Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme.

It had brown leather seats…and I remember EVERY summer, as soon as it got really hot outside (not only would our legs burn touching the seats when we first got in), that car overheated so many times.

I mean this happened something like 5 or 6 times. 

There were times we were stranded on the side of the road, my dad had to get it towed…

I missed a few of my baseball games because of it.

I remember watching my dad in the driveway watching steam come out from under the hood.

Thing is, my dad really loved that car at the time so he said he was going to put some money in to fix it.

So he fixed the coolant hoses, and the radiator, had a new water pump installed. 

But because I kept experiencing the same thing, the next time I got in that car when he was taking me to my baseball game in the July heat and I felt the scorching hot seats, the only thing I could think about is “am I going to make it to this game or is something going to happen with the overheating again”.

If you’re making solid changes to become a better man, and have shown up a bit differently for a short period of time…

Your wife is going to be thinking the exact same thing that I thought when I got in that old Cutlass in the middle of July, what happens to you when things get hot again?

Do you blow a gasket and become unhinged because you’re afraid of losing her?

THE EASY PART OF CHANGE

You see, because the easiest time in your life to make changes is right after something scares the hell out of you. 

If you just had a heart attack and a real health scare that put you in the hospital, you’re probably going to be incredibly willing to immediately cut back on the red meat and completely cut out cigars from your golf bag (true story that happened recently to my uncle). 

So when one of the myriad of things that can happen when your marriage is struggling (your wife telling you she is done; maybe asking for space; maybe saying she isn’t sure if she is in love with you like she was), whatever the case may be…

You better believe that is going to wake you up. 

You’re suddenly going to have that energy and motivation for change that may have not been around six months ago when you were riding the wave of complacency. 

You might be paying a bit better attention to conversations that you have and being a bit more careful with what you say. 

It doesn’t mean the changes and these details are fake but those changes are happening because alarm bells are ringing to alert you of danger in your relationship.  

I mean this isn’t something to feel bad about, it’s human nature. The only reason guys find me is because things have taken a turn for the worse and they need help. 

The bigger question I want to draw your attention to, is what happens when you are tired?

What happens when you have had a terrible day at work, or you come home and do something kind for your wife and she still seems cold?

What happens when you’re having a good conversation but she brings up something from the past again or says something you think is unfair?

These are those moments where you can be caught completely off guard, and as time goes on, it’s prime scenarios for the old habits to knock on and walk back through the door again. 

You can learn a lot about your change by paying attention to those moments.

And this is where it gets really interesting…

YOU CAN CHANGE THE BEHAVIOR WITHOUT CHANGING THE PATTERN

You can stop doing one thing and still carry the same problem into a new behavior.

Let’s say you used to argue every time your wife criticized you…

Okay, fair. It’s not fun being criticized (maybe even very unfairly at times)... but what you learned is that clearly arguing is not helping things. 

So now, you stop arguing.

That is great. Honestly that is a step in the right direction, there is no need to argue with her if you can understand her and also know how to be a leader and get your point across in a healthy way.

But what if instead of arguing (because again, you realized that was a giant waste of time), you withdraw and go cold or even completely silent. 

You kind of just sit there saying nothing, or staring into space or at your phone, while inside you are keeping score against her thinking nothing you do is enough for her. 

So you changed and shed the argumentativeness (behavior change)…

But you may still be carrying the same hurt, the same need to be right, and the same built up resentment underneath it.

And I believe a big part of that resentment that is building underneath is really stemming from the effort you may have started to put in (realizing you need to make changes for yourself), but in your mind you are still asking her to pay you back for said effort.

That is the kind of blindspot that can be very hard to see when you are the one living inside it.

And I think this is why it is so easy for you to get so frustrated, but it is an achilles heel when you start measuring change by how much effort you are putting into things. 

Meanwhile, your wife may be looking at whether the old pattern is still there underneath that effort.

Which brings us to something really important that can help you along your transformational journey. 

THREE MOMENTS THAT TELL YOU A LOT

How can you get a better read on yourself?

Well..there are three moments I would pay very close attention to.

The first is when you do not get the response you wanted.

When you’re not getting the response from her that you wanted for any or all of the changes you are making, what happens inside you then?

Do you start chasing the good feeling you had yesterday, get angry, or start thinking all of this work is pointless?

That first moment really tells you a lot…

THE SECOND MOMENT is when you feel blamed or misunderstood.

I am not saying your wife will always be right…because she will not be.

And you will not be either.

But when she says something you disagree with, can you stay in the conversation long enough to hear the useful part or does your mind immediately start building the case for the defense?

Do you start turning it on her and say well yeah it’s because YOU did this?

If you understand how to navigate conversions with her, you know there is a process to explain your side of things even if you don’t agree with her. 

But if every hard conversation turns into a courtroom, she may not care how many changes you think you have been making… 

AND THE THIRD MOMENT is when life becomes boring again.

I don’t think that this one gets talked about anywhere CLOSE to enough. 

Anybody can be on their best behavior for a little while when their marriage is hanging by a thread.

You can put in all that effort, really make those right changes for YOU that start having an incredible impact on how she responds to you.

But what about that comforting ol’ familiar feeling that is hiding around the corner, peeking over your shoulder wondering if it is time to make an appearance?

I’m talking about three months from now, when maybe the season of work is busy again and the house is not tidy, the kids have extra stuff they need you for…

When there is no big crisis feeling that is forcing you into making those right changes.

Does complacency start to set in again and do you slowly drift back to those old patterns and into the same place again. 

Because you really have to consider that there may be a part of her that is wondering that as well. 

She is going to want to know whether this version of you will still be here after the emergency lights shut off. 

But even saying that, there is something else that needs to be made very clear.

SHE DOESN’T GET TO DECIDE WHETHER YOU’VE CHANGED

She doesn’t get to decide whether you’ve changed or not.

You make your changes for yourself and taking that accountability, you know if you are truly putting in the effort and making those changes.

She can be angry and be stuck in the past, and can have bad habits of her own.

And you do not need to spend the rest of your marriage taking every complaint as some deep truth about yourself.

That would be a terrible way to live and your marriage was built by two people.

There may be things she needs to face as well..

But right now, if you are the one watching this video asking what YOU can do, then I want to help you get every useful piece of information you can from what is happening.

And you have to control the controllables for you. 

Your job is to keep getting more accurate about the man you are becoming and the places where the old pattern still catches you.

THE PART MOST MEN HAVE TROUBLE SEEING BY THEMSELVES

Go back to the car story that I gave for a second about when I was a kid.

There were so many problems with that car…

The hard part is figuring out what your version of the overheating problem actually is.

Because it will not be the same for every guy. I mean, the amount of guys I have talked to and coached, there are often a lot of similarities…

So if you’re struggling right now in your marriage, and you either started making some changes but don’t know if they are the right ones, or you’ve been blindsided and those alarm bells are ringing knowing you have to do something…

If that is where you are right now, I created the free Relationship Rebuild Masterclass to help you start sorting through this.

That masterclass will  walk you through how to understand what actually broke down in your marriage, where your attention needs to go, and what you have control over even if your wife is not ready to work on the relationship with you.

You can watch the masterclass for free by clicking on the link in the pinned comment or description box below. 

You have to take that first step because waiting to get on the right path can be the difference in your marriage being saved or not. 

And if your wife thinks it’s too late to save your marriage, click on this video here because you will get some insight as to whether she is right…