One of the most frustrating places you can be in your marriage… is when you feel like you’re doing everything you can, but nothing is working.

You’re trying to talk more, help her out more, ask her what she needs from you…and it feels like none of it is landing.

And after a while, you start asking yourself… ‘What else am I supposed to do?’

But what most men don’t realize is this isn’t a “you’re not trying hard enough” problem.

This is a you’re trying to fix something that’s already emotionally offline problem.

And until you understand that difference… you will keep spinning your wheels toward the path of divorce.

So that is what I am going to help you with today, getting clear on why nothing you’re trying works when she’s already emotionally checked out, and the only true path to reconnect with her and save your relationship.

YOU’RE TALKING TO HER ON AIRPLANE MODE 

A really great way to look at your situation right now is this.

Think about sitting on a plane tens of thousands of feet in the air and you’re texting this thoughtful message, taking your time to say exactly what you mean. 

You fire that off and…nothing. No response…it’s just sitting there in the text thread.

So you fire off another one. Maybe this time trying to clarify a bit more or explain things better…and still nothing.

At some point, you’d start wondering…Is she even getting these messages from me?

Now imagine you realize that your phone was on airplane mode the ENTIRE time (and yes I know a lot of airlines have wifi for messaging on flights now, so let’s add that you didn’t connect to the wifi). 

It wasn’t that your message was bad. It wasn’t that you said the wrong thing. It wasn’t even that she was ignoring you.

It’s that the message was never being received the way you thought it was.

This is where A LOT of men are operating from in their relationship. 

When things are going south fast, they are trying to communicate, trying to connect with her, trying to fix things. 

But emotionally… she’s not in a place where she’s receiving it the way she used to. She’s emotionally disconnected, just like your phone on airplane mode (with no wifi). 

And that changes everything.

EFFORT STOPS FEELING LIKE CONNECTION

Earlier in your relationship, or even very early on when things started to decline, any effort you would put in mattered in a very different way.

The mistake isn’t that you’re doing the wrong things…
it’s that you’re trying to solve a problem that no longer exists in the way you think it does.

You think the problem is: ‘I need to show her more, do more, say more.’

But that only works when she’s still emotionally engaged.

Once she’s checked out… the problem changes.

Now it’s about how she’s experiencing you… while she’s disconnected.

When she was still emotionally invested, when she still felt connected, when she still believed things could improve…any effort then could have felt meaningful.

But when she already starts down the path of emotionally checking out…that same effort lands completely differently.

A lot of the time your effort starts coming back after a period of complacency on your part, when you realize something is off in the relationship, so now it starts to feel to her like:  “Why is he doing this now?”

Unfortunately for good guys like myself (and the men I work with in my coaching program), relationships don’t run on intention.

They run on her experience of your behavior in her current emotional state.

And right now if she’s checked out, her emotional state is not open, it’s protective.

THE BREAK ISN’T OBVIOUS

This really sneaks up on a lot of guys because most times they’re looking for this very obvious breaking point like a huge argument, or something that is just a clear turning point where everything has changed in the relationship dynamic. 

But truly, that is not how it happens. It is usually much slower than that and is built over time through patterns. 

It’s built through conversations where she tried to explain how she felt and didn’t feel fully understood; or understood at all really,

Eventually when she feels like she is always on eggshells and there is no emotional safety left, that point is where she stops trying to be understood and need resolution. 

The disconnection happens emotionally for her and it gets to a point where nothing you say is going to change her mind, because she isn’t processing anything from a place where she trusts you.

It’s become that protective state I mentioned.

THE TRAP OF TRYING TO GET A RESPONSE

At this stage, where you keep knocking on the door with logic and explanations, or even trying harder with gifts or pleading, most men become focused on one thing:

Getting her to respond.

The sole focus is now getting her to open up and meet you halfway again.

And everything you do starts to revolve around that outcome.

You’re watching her reactions, and reading her tone…and when you’re not getting the response you want, you start to feel disrespected and resentment starts to build up. 

It’s imperative that you understand that the more your behavior becomes tied to her response…the more this is going to push her away because she is already feeling emotionally drained and disconnected. 

On top of everything else going on, being tied to her response makes her feel like she is carrying all of your emotional baggage while still trying to process her own.

That’s when attraction really starts to break down towards the point of no return. .

YOU DON’T NEED TO “GET HER BACK”

The real problem to focus on has absolutely nothing to do with needing to figure out how to get her back. 

Getting her to reconnect with you again is in direct proportion to the stability you are able to show up with in the relationship as the masculine leader. 

And right now during this prolonged time of her disconnection, it’s caused because you lost that stability in how you show up. 

I mentioned being tied to her response in everything, and that really plays on you and makes you like a roller coaster with your own emotional state and behavior.

There is this inconsistency in you that is shown: if she softens a bit and is slightly open to you, you feel better.

If she pulls away a bit, then you panic and feel really bad.

You need to be able to develop the ability to show up in a way that is not dependent on the immediate outcome.

It has to be where your behavior doesn’t spike based on her reactions, and at times where she is open or closed.

You will be incredibly attractive to her if you’re not swayed by how she is.

When you’re able to create an environment like this, it allows for the space where EVEN if she is checked out emotionally, it will create the curiosity in her and cause her to re-engage her emotions. 

THE HONEST TRUTH MOST PEOPLE AVOID

Now I want to make sure you understand that you cannot control her; you can't force her to feel something she doesn’t feel at the moment.

THat is exactly why trying to persuade her with logic or gifts, or pleading, none of it works. 

If you keep doing what you’re doing right now - trying harder, pushing for connection, reacting to her distance, asking her what she wants from you, you’re going to  continue to drive her further away.

Being able to learn the skills that create emotional safety and learning how to be the masculine leader isn’t just A path to saving your relationship, I firmly believe it is the ONLY path that gives you a real chance. 

This is the only path that truly takes into account masculine and feminine energies, and removes the pressure of her by replacing it with something she can actually respond to emotionally. 

THE NEXT STEP TO GET HER BACK

So if you feel like nothing you’re doing is working and you’re pretty frustrated, I invite you to go watch my free masterclass. 

I break this down much deeper and lay out the most impactful and  time collapsing path to saving your marriage.

Because right now, it’s really not about doing more but it is about doing things from a completely different place.

You can watch that free masterclass by clicking the link in the pinned comment and description below. 

And if your wife is really not talking to you right now, or everything is just administrative to do with the house or kids, watch this next video: “If She’s Done Talking, This Is What She’s Really Saying.”

I’ll see you there…