If you're separated right now, there is a good chance that your wife isn't the person consuming most of your mental energy.

You are.

Because you've become trapped in a cycle of constantly looking for signs, clues, and evidence about where you stand and what she is up to.

Today I want to help you break that pattern that you may not even know is so damaging to your chances of reconnecting with your wife.

SEPARATION TURNS YOU INTO A DETECTIVE

Separation can change how you think very quickly.

Where maybe a lot of your attention once was focused on your career, or your hobbies, suddenly gets turned to where you basically become a full-time investigator. 

You begin to analyze everything, and you can spend twenty minutes trying to determine what a single sentence means in a text message because you believe that somewhere inside that sentence is the answer you’re desperately looking for.

Like that one missing little piece of evidence that will completely unlock everything that has been going wrong with her. 

OR you are contemplating all these different questions to yourself like is this a good sign, is this a bad sign? Is she starting to come around, was she nicer to me there (if you do have interactions).

The problem is… that there is NO end to this game.

Every answer that you do land on will create three new questions to then cycle on..

If she responds quickly, you'll wonder why.

If she responds slowly, you'll wonder why.

If she reaches out, you'll wonder what it means.

If she doesn't reach out, you'll wonder what that means.

The search for certainty becomes endless.

And I get it, because I have lived in those shoes way too many times, but it is also what caused me to lose myself.

So just like I did, all of this searching for certainty and being obsessed with trying to predict the future keeps you focused on things you really don’t have control over, and leaves no focus for the things that can actually improve your life and give you the best chance for reconciliation. 

LOOKING FOR SIGNS FEELS LIKE PROGRESS

What makes it hard to stop looking for these signs is that, well first of all you genuinely believe you’re doing something useful. 

Paying attention and trying to decipher where she is at seems smarter than ignoring what's happening.

If you are monitoring the situation, you feel more responsible than pretending it doesn't exist.

But there is a difference between awareness and obsession.

Awareness gives you a better probability of making good decisions, whereas obsession keeps you emotionally trapped.

When you spend hours overanalyzing every intricate sign that you think you’re getting from her, very little of your energy is being directed toward becoming a stronger, healthier, calmer, more confident, or more emotionally grounded man.

Which is actually the key to trigger the reconciliation with your wife. 

Imagine two men who are both separated from their wives.

The first spends three hours every night replaying conversations, reading into the text messages, and trying to figure out what every interaction means (good or bad).

The second spends those same three hours improving himself, learning new leadership skills, taking care of his health, strengthening his mindset, and developing the qualities he knows he needs regardless of what happens.

At the end of the week, both men have spent a lot of energy and feel busy.

Only one of them has actually moved forward towards getting what they want.

There are always two sides of the coin, and two sides to every situation. 

Whatever your mindset is will determine what side of the coin you are on, scarcity or abundance.

THE STORIES YOU'RE CREATING ARE USUALLY WRONG

One of the most important things I learned about relationships is that people are constantly creating stories.

We take limited information and try to build a complete picture from it.

The challenge is that when you're emotionally invested, those stories are usually influenced by fear.

There was a study done by Penn State University on chronic worry and generalized anxiety (and I think Cornell did something similar), but the Penn State researchers found that roughly 85% to 91% of the things people worry about never actually happen.

And for the 10% to 15% of worries that do come true, around 80% of the people in the study realized that they were able to handle the challenge much better than they expected, or they learned a valuable lesson from it.

So the conclusion of the study was that like 97% of our worries are effectively a waste of mental energy.

That is why the stories you create are interpretations influenced by that anxiety. 

The reality is, no text message can tell you the future.

Yet countless men spend months trying to predict the future using fragments of information that were never designed to provide certainty.

All that results in is more confusion, anxiety, and exhaustion. 

WHAT SEPARATION IS ACTUALLY REVEALING

I want to flip your way of thinking here and talk about what separation is actually revealing. 

The most common thought is that separation creates another layer of struggle after you’ve been going through problems in your relationship that have made it get to this point. 

And, it is obviously understandable to think that way.

But separation doesn’t’ CREATE more of the struggles men experience, it really just shines that spotlight on the patterns that were already there. 

If you struggle with outcome attachment, or emotional dependence, separation will reveal that really quick. 

I was talking about the two sides of the coin earlier and how your mindset plays a role. 

You can be experiencing the almost identical circumstances as another man but choose to respond in a completely different way. 

You may spend six months watching, waiting, hoping, worrying, being an investigator, and he may spend his six months building and growing. 

Those are totally different responses to the same situation, and who do you think is going to end up in a better spot, not only in their life, but with a MUCH higher probability of the reconciliation that both men are seeking?

CERTAINTY IS THE WRONG GOAL

And if we are being honest, at the root of all this sign-seeking is really one specific thing…

The chase for CERTAINTY.. 

What it really boils down to is that you want an answer…

You want to know whether the marriage will survive, you want to know whether she still loves you, you want to know whether she is coming back…

You want to know if all the effort you are putting in now is working

And look I get it…the uncertainty while being separated from your wife is painful. 

You’re trying to keep it together at work but inside you feel all these things. 

Nobody enjoys living in the unknown.

And separation is one of those seasons in life where certainty usually isn't available.

This is why it is so important to spend this time learning how to be a grounded leader, because with that you will learn that peace doesn’t come from having all the answers to those questions your anxiety is asking.

Peace comes from learning how to stand firm when you don't have those answers.

So if certainty isn't available, and looking for signs isn't helping, what should you actually be doing with this time?" 

WOMEN NOTICE REAL CHANGE

Well one of the ironies of separation is that a lot of men spend their time trying harder to convince his wife that he has changed, or that he means it this time.

And even if you do mean it, the harder you try to convince her the less convincing you become. 

Women aren’t really looking for a presentation or sales pitch as to why it’s a good idea to get closer to you again, and they really only care about one thing…how they feel.

If she has heard all the promises before, or the intentions and explanations, the only thing that matters is if the change is actually real. 

And real change is difficult to fake. 

Real change shows up in how you handle conflict or disappointment.

Which you may argue, yeah that can be faked for those specific moments. 

But the true change shows up in the consistency and stability of your actions over time. 

That is why obsessing over signs is such a poor use of energy.

Because the time spent looking for signs could be spent becoming the man whose growth eventually becomes IMPOSSIBLE for her to ignore.

That, and really only that, is what will ignite that spark in her attraction again, and gives the best chance for reconnection and reconciliation. 

But if you make the RIGHT choice and tell yourself, “I am going to put all my intention and effort into growing into the man I know I can”, I want to just touch on a very important mistake that men who take this road during separation, but end up failing, make. 

GROWTH CANNOT BE CONDITIONAL

You have to understand that you cannot turn the growth journey into a negotiation with yourself on an outcome. 

You cannot put her or the basis of the relationship at the center of the growth journey.

It can’t be that, oh if she starts responding better, then I'll keep doing the work, or if she notices my changes, then I’ll stay motivated. 

It has to be completely independent of that, because the problem with that approach is that you put your growth in someone else's hands.

You’ve suddenly tied your commitment to the best thing possible for YOU to be dependent on her reaction or validation. 

That isn't leadership.

That isn't confidence.

And confidence of a man is probably the #1 trait in terms of attraction for a woman. 

If you want to create the biggest transformation that actually matters, you have to decide that growth matters whether the marriage survives or not. 

Being able to do this means you understand that becoming emotionally stronger, more grounded, more confident, and more mature improves every area of your life. 

And that awareness is for you looking in the mirror, which gives you the ability to change everything. 

The impact that this consistent growth has on her attraction for you (which is how masculine and feminine attraction works naturally), and the impact it has on your relationship being able to reconnect is a by-product of this consistent commitment to your growth first.

STOP ASKING WHAT THE SIGNS MEAN

So if you are separated right now, I want to leave you with one simple question.

Ask yourself what would change in your life if you stopped asking "What does this sign mean?"

And started asking:

"Who am I becoming during this season?"

Because the time in your life is going to pass anyways, and those two questions take you in completely different directions.

I recommend that you choose the direction that puts your attention where it belongs and will be so positively impactful for your life and the reconciliation probability of your relationship.

Put that attention on your own growth, on your own leadership, on your own development.

The truth is that separation becomes a turning point for many men, and the men who emerge strongest are the ones who spent months building themselves.

So if you want to walk the direction that will change your life for the better, and give you the highest probability at reconnecting with your wife, go watch my free masterclass that is linked in the description and pinned comment below. 

Inside, I walk you through the same framework I use to help men stop reacting from fear, understand what their wife is actually responding to emotionally, and become the kind of grounded leader who gives the relationship its best possible chance of recovery.

As I mentioned, you can access it completely free using the link in the description below.

Also, I highly recommend watching this next video right here on called 

"How To Save Your Marriage When You're The Only One Trying."