Right now, if your wife asked you for space you’re going to feel rejected and like she is actively pushing you away. 

Your instinct that brought you to this video is one of wanting to do anything you can to fix things as fast as possible.  

But what if I told you…this moment isn’t about fixing anything.

It’s about what gets revealed when you stop trying to fix it.

So in today’s video, I am going to talk about why your wife asking for space isn’t the rejection you feel that it is, what she is really doing WHEN she asks for space, and how to approach this moment so you can close that space and start to reconnect with her. 

You’re going to want to watch this episode all the way through because I’m also going to reveal three of the most common identities that men fall into when she asks for space that all do an equal amount of harm when trying to reconnect and save your marriage. 

I experienced this so many times during my decade of relationship failure, where when she is asking for space it just feels like everything is collapsing around you REALLY fast, and if you don’t act quickly you feel like you’re going to lose her for good.

The feeling started to become groundhog day to me, where things just feel like they are spiraling out of your control really quickly, and it became this familiar thought process of what do I have to do RIGHT now to fix this. 

SHE DIDN’T ASK FOR DISTANCE… SHE ASKED FOR RELIEF

What you have to realize is that when she is asking for space, she’s not actually asking for distance, something else is happening.

You’re not being pushed away or rejected, but she is actually observing you; she isn’t going to be sitting there taking notes and drawing diagrams of what you’re doing, and she may not even know this is happening, but she’s observing you emotionally. 

She’s watching what happens to you when she steps back and no longer reassures you of things…when she’s no longer the one who is making the relationship dynamic stable. 

In a nutshell, what she is really trying to observe of you emotionally is “Who are you without her there?”

As trivial as this might sound to you, who you show up as during this time plays a huge determining factor on whether she leans back into you or continues to pull away. 

So if your understanding of her needing space only goes far as the literal definition, that she needs distance away from you and you give that, but then you allow your fear of potential loss and panic take over your actions, this is where the problems start to compound. 

If you give her that bit of literal distance, but you do it in a way where you’re basically still there mentally, emotionally, and energetically:

Meaning, you’re constantly checking your phone, replaying every conversation in your head, trying to hold back from reaching out but sending a few extra texts trying to check in. 

These are the actions where even though you may have given some space, you haven’t really changed the dynamic at all because you’re still adding this pressure of wanting a resolution onto her. 

Her asking for space has nothing to do with the space itself, it is actually because she needs emotional relief from everything. 

And if you’re still holding onto her emotionally by trying to manage the outcome or needing things to be fixed quickly, you’re making it way worse.

It’s like trying to loosen a tight knot by rigorously pulling on the rope in a panic. 

NOTHING IS HAPPENING… 

I’m going to get into the 3 identities that most men default to when their wife asks for space in a minute, but I wanted to also look at her asking for space from another perspective. 

Another way to look at her asking for space is thinking, okay… I will give her space and just sort of be in neutral because nothing is really happening, she’s taking space, so I can just wait it out. 

This is actually one of the most important phases in the entire relationship because this is where she starts to feel the difference…or the lack of one.

She’s watching, again, not consciously like a checklist, but emotionally.

You’re not going to wait it out and get feedback during this phase by doing nothing; she isn’t going to show up and say “Hey, you’re doing great” or “This is working, thanks for the space”.

THREE COMMON IDENTITIES THAT FAIL HERE

The problem is, most men go to the other extreme and assume that if they can’t do NOTHING, they need to do something to create progress.

And that something that they choose will fall into one of these three buckets, and all three of these identities will do exactly what you are trying to avoid. 

During my decade of relationship disaster and heartbreak, I have played the role of all three many times, so I can tell you they truly don’t work. 

The first identity is being The Chaser.

This is when you cannot sit in any uncertainty so you basically disregard any need for space from her because you are constantly thinking in the worst case scenario. 

You may be at work and you just keep reaching out to her, shooting texts off to her like “hey, just checking in” or “Hope you’re doing okay.”

You may still think that you’re giving her space because you’re not physically there trying to initiate conversations, and I have been there so I know the feeling of thinking if you don’t do something to stay present in her world and try to stay relevant, she’s going to enjoy the distance and start to pull further away .

You just can’t help yourself because you’re just simmering in your own thoughts of fear and losing her, but I had to learn the hard way after doing this many times (and when I was doing it I thought it would help me show how much I cared), but it communicates that you just cannot handle distance.

As much as we think it shows love and commitment, it is actually incredibly unattractive and continues to play negatively on her emotions. 

THE SECOND IDENTITY A LOT OF MEN DEFAULT TO IS The Collapser (or as I’ve called it before, The Avoider).

This is when you take the space she asks for so hard, way worse than the panic of the chaser, and you treat it as if you’re already divorced. 

You just pull back and become very quiet and defeated. You’re basically playing the victim and completely withdrawn from anything. 

So in any communication you have with her, you’re essentially a shell of yourself and sulk, so now she feels completely abandoned. 

She is experiencing you in a way that you communicate that if things aren’t good… you fall apart completely. 

In the last few episodes I specifically talked about the most important thing in trying to reconnect with your wife is the ability to have her experience you differently (which I will get a bit more into why this is so important in a minute).

But when you completely collapse or avoid when she is taking space to process things, you’re having her experience you in a way that will put her on the express lanes to exit the relationship. 

Finally, the third identity most men default to is The Performer or The Negotiator.

This is where you have enough intuition that you know something has to change, and for the most part you have good intentions of trying to do it the right way, but deep down you still have this agenda where the only reason is because you want that end result.

You want to avoid any further pain and save the marriage no matter what, and what starts to happen is you don’t truly understand the reason for her needing space because you’re too busy trying to get that result. 

So you’re brushing off her true need for space and really trying to logically negotiate her back into a properly functioning relationship by presenting sound arguments and facts to her. 

Basically trying to get her to work it out, and thinking that if you can successfully do that, her need for space will go away. 

But you can’t actually magically logic your way out of her needing to process her emotions. She HAS to be able to do this, and you are in control of how she experiences you during and after.

That is the key to reconnecting with her and saving your marriage. 

YOUR GOAL: SHIFTING WHO YOU ARE WITHOUT HER

So what actually needs to change when she’s asking for space and needs to experience you differently for the best chance at reconnection?

Well, we know It’s not about doing less, It’s not about going silent, it’s not about trying your best negotiating strategy. 

What it is truly about is becoming someone who doesn’t lose yourself when there are times of uncertainty…

You need to be able to be okay without immediate answers and not have full control of the overall situation.

Because, let’s be honest…that’s what this really is.

For us men, it really isn’t about the space, per se, it is about us not being in control of the outcome. 

We struggle with that a lot as men, so in situations like this when your wife is asking for space, we try to regain control by trying to get her to talk it through and fix things, explaining, and all these other detrimental actions.  

And honestly, most common that I have seen with my clients is that they have lost their self-respect along the way and their identity has sort of become the relationship. 

So when things start to go sideways, everything turns into an immediate panic because not only does it feel like the relationship is slipping, but it feels like your identity is fading as well.

That is why one of the core pillars of my Relationship Rebuild program is focused on rebuilding your self-respect and identity, because these are such HUGE factors in her attraction for you and your ability to lead the relationship as required. 

So true strength in this moment where she is acting for space is the ability to be still, not in a frozen or passive manner, but by being grounded. 

And to do that, you have to be comfortable in your own identity outside of the relationship.

This is what her nervous system is truly looking for which can start the reconnection process.

She EXPECTS you to react in a fearful way, or in a way where no emotional safety is provided, because that has been the precursor of how the relationship got to this disconnected point.

So what does this look like in real life?

WHAT THIS ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE (IN REAL LIFE)

To handle this time properly where she is wanting some space, you have to first give her some CLEAN space.

You don’t have any hidden expectations or throw passive comments at her like “I’m going to give you space, but I hope this works”. 

Like, don’t do that. Doing that just signals weakness and like you are waiting for her to give you approval that everything is okay. 

You need to continue your life and focus on all the good things for you (your career, being a great dad, your hobbies) and build upon your own leadership skills. 

You want to not present to her that you’re just waiting to see if space “helps her”, remember I said she is watching to see if anything changes, and your identity in this moment has to show her as being independent of the relationship. 

SECOND, you need to start developing and presenting Emotional Consistency.

Your mood cannot be determined by the level she is communicating with you. If she is being more distant while taking the space, or wanting to communicate more, you are still the same steady “take it or leave it” man, in a positive way. 

This is the kind of predictability that you need A) for yourself and ability to be a grounded man, and B) that makes her feel much safer with you and opens the door to reconnection. 

AND THIRD, playing off what I mentioned about clean space, you have to continue to have Forward Movement.

Your life doesn’t pause and you continue to improve.

You work on strengthening your identity and getting stronger mentally.

And the key here, most importantly, is you are doing all of this FOR YOU, not for her. 

This is the identity work I was mentioning earlier.

It is SO important that you are forward moving in who you are becoming because if you are able to give her clean space, develop that emotional consistency, and build those leadership skills, she is going to (at the very least) feel a difference in you that you aren’t putting pressure on her.

When she starts to close that gap of space, she is going to be stepping back and experiencing a much improved you. 

That alone can re-open the door for reconnection and sparking her curiosity once again.

Remember this counterintuitively, the less you try to use space to get her back…the more it becomes the reason she does.

She expects the same pattern she’s seen before. And when you can break that pattern, it essentially forces her nervous system into a re-evaluation of everything. 

And the beauty of it all is, none of this is because you’re playing some games or trying some nonsense tactics, but because you’re no longer predictable in the way that pushed her away originally.

YOUR NEXT STEP

So if you are in this situation right now where she has asked for space, and you truly want to make the RIGHT changes without wasting any time so that the comes back to a man that will completely blow her away with how different you are, then go and watch my free Relationship Rebuild masterclass.

You’re going to get the CLEAR step-by-step path to rebuilding what ACTUALLY MATTERS and moves the needle when it comes to saving your marriage and becoming the leader your relationship needs, and your wife is dying for you to be.

No gimmicky tactics or manipulation that really doesn’t actually work, this is actual identity and polarity work. 

You can check that free masterclass out by clicking the link in the pinned comment or description below.

And if this video helped you out, hit that like button, and subscribe to the channel as well.

I’ll see you in the next episode.