If your wife has told you that she wants a divorce, or has even hinted at the possibility, your stomach drops into an absolute panic and your brain can’t shut off. 

You’re replaying every moment in your head wondering what happened, wondering if it’s too late, wondering if she even loves you anymore.

And on top of that,  you start thinking, “If I could just explain it to her… if I could just get her to see that I love her, that I’m trying, that I’m changing…” then maybe she would reconsider.

But here’s the truth:
That approach, the one most men naturally go to, is what is going to kill your chances of stopping the divorce, and strengthening your marriage moving forward. 

There are 3 things you must do when your wife wants a divorce…

In this video, I’m going to break those things down into 3 parts so you can stop the downward spiral and start leading your marriage back to safety — without chasing or losing your dignity.

If you’re in this position right now, your wife wants divorce or things are just very rocky in your relationship now or a past experience, Put a comment below on this video, share whatever you want but I just want a piece of your story to be heard and I would love to hear it.

And before we jump in— if you’re serious about saving your marriage and want the full roadmap that my clients use that works, you can watch my free masterclass by clicking the link in the description below or heading over to ElevateMyRelationships.com/masterclass.

Alright — let’s get into today’s content.

Stop Trying to Fix Things

When a woman says she wants a divorce, men almost always go into one of two modes:

Either the Fixer Mode or Victim Mode.

Fixer Mode says:

“Okay, I can change. I’ll go to counseling. I’ll do anything. Just tell me what you need to get you to stay.”

Victim Mode says:

“How could you do this? After everything I’ve done? I’m trying my best!”

Both of these modes come from a place of fear, fear of losing her, fear of being alone, fear of failing.

But both destroy attraction and emotional safety, because they send one message loud and clear to your wife, whether you are meaning to or not.

It tells her: “You’re leading my emotions. I’m not grounded. I need you to validate me to feel okay.”

And that’s the exact opposite of what she needs to feel to be drawn back toward you.

See, when she says she wants a divorce, she’s not reacting to one fight or one issue.

She’s reacting to years of emotional buildup, years of feeling unseen, unheard, or unsafe emotionally.

And when you go into panic mode at this stage, it confirms her worst fear:

“He still doesn’t get it. He’s still reacting to his emotions, and is only trying to do this now because he is afraid to lose me”.

So the first thing you have to do is stop trying to “fix” her feelings.

That means you have to stop trying to overexplain yourself to get her to see that she is making a mistake,  or chasing her reassurance and that she should be telling you what to do to save the marriage.

Instead, take a deep breath, slow everything down, and anchor yourself.

There is a big difference between a man who reacts and a man who leads.

Let me give you a quick story.

One of my clients, Mark — he joined the Relationship Rebuild program after his wife of 14 years told him she was “emotionally drained and done.”

She had already met with a lawyer, and she told him that she couldn’t do it anymore.

So he did what, unfortunately, most of us guys do in this situation: 

He panicked and begged, He got her flowers and all the things that he thought would show love and that he thought he was not doing in the recent years which caused the marriage to get to this point..

He THEN started to panic even more, because her response was just getting colder towards him.

That’s when he found me, and when we started working together, I told him the same thing I’m telling you now:

“You can’t talk your way back into her heart. You can’t bribe your way back into her heart through flowers or gifts, you have to show her that you’ve changed by how you carry yourself.”

So Mark stopped explaining.  He gave his wife a genuine apology for the way he has been showing up and communicated that he was going to make the changes he thought he needed to better himself.

Through everything he learned in the Relationship Rebuild program about women, attraction, leadership, creating polarity, he stopped trying to fix her sadness — and started embodying calm leadership in the home.

Within 3 weeks, she was not being as cold to him and started talking to him again. Now, instead of explaining, Mark started listening to his wife with the proper skills to create emotional safety for her.

He started to get this response from his wife, not because he said anything magical — but because she felt something different. For the first time in years, she felt emotional safety.

That’s what you have to create. Not by performing or proving you love her, but by becoming that man and from there the reconciliation and strong connection builds.

Stop Emotional Chasing — Reclaim Your Gravity 

Let’s talk about the #1 killer of attraction during separation or this time in your marriage where things are NOT looking good: emotional chasing.

Emotional chasing runs parallel to the fixer mode we just talked about and it basically looks like:

• Trying to convince her of how much you love her.
  
  
• Asking what you can do to make her stay.
  
  
• Sending her long text messages or writing overly emotional letters that almost seem like guilt tripping, but your intention is to hope she’ll “see” how serious you are.
  
  

The reality is, when you do that, you’re not loving her, you’re trying to regulate your own fear through her response.

You’re subconsciously saying: “hey, I need your attention and validation to feel safe.”

And the more she feels that, the more she withdraws.

Because masculine energy that chases communicates: “You can lead me.”
Masculine energy that holds ground communicates: “You can relax here.”

So how do you reclaim that gravity?

Well, you have to stop trying to pull her back into your orbit, and start becoming a man with gravity again.

That means:

• Get your routine back and stop acting sad, or down or depressed, or blaming yourself for everything. That is not going to help the situation AT ALL.
• You have to take care of your body, your home, your work. And start living as though your stability doesn’t depend on her reaction today. Because it SHOULDN’T.

Women don’t fall in love through pity. They fall in love through presence.

Every time you show composure, when she expects panic, you're planting a new seed in her nervous system: “Maybe he’s not the same man that I am wanting to leave.”

If she’s still living in the home, make your energy peaceful and positive. Lead small daily structures.

If she’s separated and not living in your home, let your communication that you do have be short, clear, and kind.

You’re showing her, “You don’t need to fear me or fix me. I’m steady and I am handling my business.”

And that steadiness creates curiosity.

I’ve seen this countless times, a man goes from total collapse to getting texts like:

“Hey, can we talk?” or being told,  “you know, You seem different lately.” or she says.

 “I don’t know what’s changed, but something feels calmer.”

And none of this is accomplished through begging or seeking reassurance, or tricking her with manipulation.

This is legitimate attraction being rebuilt through you becoming an emotional leader.

Not only is this the only way to truly save your relationship, transforming yourself and becoming that man will impact every area of your life in a positive way. 

It is undeniable.

Communicate Like a Leader — Not a Pleader 

Now, let’s talk about the third part - learning to Communicate Like a Leader, not a Pleader. Yes, communication is a huge part of a successful marriage or relationship, and a big component of going down a strong path of reconciliation.

However, there is the right way and the wrong way to communicate with your wife or partner. 

When your wife is emotionally shut down, her brain isn’t processing logic, it’s protecting itself.

She’s not hearing your arguments that you are saying or logical points of view about your history together that makes sense to you as to why she shouldn’t think about divorce.

What she is doing is she’s feeling your energy.

If you’re anxious, she feels pressure.  If you’re desperate and start chasing, she feels guilt.

And of course, if you’re defensive, she feels unsafe.

So when she says things like, “I just don’t love you anymore.” or “I can’t do this. I’m done.”

You have to resist the urge to fight back or explain.

Instead:
Validate her emotional experience without collapsing your identity.

And, an example of what that looks like can be:

Her saying: “I’m done trying. You never change.”

You: “I can see why you’d feel exhausted or like you feel I don’t change. It’s been a long road for both of us and I am seeing where I have contributed to the pot holes. I’m genuinely going to work on me and how I show up for our relationship.

Then stop. Silence. Let the air breathe, and if she responds you don’t have to argue, or prove, or justify. Just listen to her - the phrase “god gave you two ears and 1 mouth for a reason” is overused, but in your marriage as a masculine leader it is imperative.

Just be calm and listen to her complaints, her venting, her frustration, and validate the way she feels.

And ironically, when you start to become this leader, without rebutting every little complaint she has or frustration she shares,  that’s what starts rebuilding trust.

Remember:

Validation isn’t agreement.
It’s leadership through understanding. It’s the difference between saying,

“You’re wrong to feel that way, no, why can’t you see why we should stay together”

And  “I understand why you feel that way.”

One way of communication builds walls. And the other opens doors.

When you communicate from calm curiosity, she starts to test you differently. 

She is going to subconsciously, through the confirmation bias she has about you after all these years, she is going to  poke to see if this person you are being is real. 

She might bring up the past. She honestly might say hurtful things. Your job is to get rid of any ego you have, don’t flinch or defend against these hurtful things if she says them, and do not retreat.

You have to just shut up, and listen.  

Now I already know there may be some guys in the comments saying “well you are just supposed to sit there and let her say horrible things about you”, no of course not. 

There are boundaries that need to be set and enforced if she crosses a line with you, but I can’t cover all of those today. I do cover why those are important in my free masterclass, and teach those skills in my Relationship Rebuild coaching program.

But when you shut up, listen to her, validate her feelings, and act as a leader: that’s when you start reestablishing what she lost: emotional safety and respect.

***BONUS - Stop Using Kids As Bargaining Chips*****

One quick bonus point I wanted to mention for those men that have kids. If your wife has said she wants a divorce, or things are not going well and she has hinted at separation, or maybe you are separated right now… 

chances are this video has opened your eyes to the fact that things you’ve been doing up until this point have not been working, but one thing for you guys is DO NOT TRY and USE your KIDS as bargaining chips or a way to guilt your wife. 

If you have been trying to convince her that it is better to stay together for the sake of the kids, I can’t tell you what to do (my job as a coach is to put you in the best position to get what you want), but I recommend that the best course of action is to apologize to her for suggesting like that you don’t mean to use them as bargaining chips, and you know that you and her both want what is best for them. 

You can communicate calmly to her that you realize you haven’t been showing up for yourself as a man and leader, and that has bled into your marriage, and that is what you are going to work on.

That’s it, no need to say anything else or prove it, but you now have to actually become that man. The faster you do it, the faster she will see the change and be open to a reconciliation path. 

Conclusion

I know right now it feels like everything’s slipping through your fingers. I know you’ve probably tried everything — and nothing seems to work.

But I promise you it is not over — unless you decide to do nothing and keep showing up as the man she’s trying to escape from.

You can completely turn things around in your life but you have to be willing to become the leader that both it and your relationship needs.

If you’re ready to go deeper into this process — click on the link in the description to watch my free Relationship Rebuild masterclass and get the exact roadmap my clients use to save their relationships. 

Like I said at the beginning, I would also love to hear from you, so if this resonated with you please  leave a comment below, subscribe to the channel, and hit the like button so it helps out the YouTube algorithm find other men who need this help.

I will catch you guys in the next episode.