If your wife is already pulling away from you… what you’re doing right now to fix it is the exact reason it’s getting worse.

And I don’t mean you’re doing something wrong on purpose.I mean the way you’re trying to save your marriage… is actually reinforcing the distance you’re trying to close.

Because you’re reacting to her pulling away like it just started… when in reality, you’re stepping into the final stage of something that’s already been building for a long time.

If you don’t see that clearly…you’re going to keep making moves that feel like the right thing to do, but quietly push her further out.

So in today’s episode I am going to break down why her pulling away isn’t the actual problem you are facing, and how you can break the pattern she expects to see from you that will give you the ONLY pathway to reconnecting with her and saving your marriage. 

Let’s jump in… 

PULLING AWAY ISN’T THE PROBLEM, IT’S THE RESULT

One of the HARDEST things to do as a man.. is to see the love of your life start to detach from you and pull away…and not immediately think “oh my god, she’s pulling away. That’s the problem. I need to fix that.”

That is our natural, instinctive reaction as men.. for better or for worse. 

Unfortunately, that instinctive reaction is almost always for the worse in this scenario, where you get into trouble when you realize she is pulling away. 

So what I learned through my journey of figuring out all the things I was doing wrong so I could change them, is that her pulling away is not the problem…Her pulling away isn’t something you fix directly (which is where we turn our attention to in these moments).

Her pulling away is the RESULT of something that’s already been happening underneath the surface for a while.

It’s like noticing cracks in the walls of your house or condo, and thinking the cracks are the issue. So you start painting over the cracks… it doesn’t work!

The cracks aren’t the problem, the foundation has shifted over time, the cracks are just your wakeup call that it’s shifted. 

This is the point where most guys misread the signal and you quickly lose control of the situation because your energy gets poured into painting the cracks rather than into seeing how the foundation can get more stable, which is what really created the cracks. 

SHE SLOWLY LET GO

One of the problems that really puts fuel on the fire that sends you into panic in the first place is that it feels like things changed overnight, where all of a sudden it went from, the marriage is okay (notice how I didn’t say great), to oh my god like she is seriously pulling away.. 

Sure you maybe felt a bit of friction or maybe quietness over a period of time in your relationship where you didn’t feel AS connected to her, but it often just gets chalked up to the normal flows of a marriage and the intrusion of everyday life responsibilities.. 

But for her… this wasn’t a moment where pulling away was done on a whim. It was a process.

It was a slow buildup of her:

• Feeling unseen
• Feeling emotionally disconnected
• Losing a sense of safety or attraction
• Seeing your same repeated patterns over and over

And at some point…there is a quiet disengagement happening for her emotions. 

This is why I hear it time and time again from clients who say they didn’t see it coming. 

Of course, it is very hard to see coming because it doesn’t show up all at once…It accumulated.

So now, when you react to her pulling away, what you’re actually doing is responding to the final stage… it’s like the final boss of emotional disconnect that’s been developing for a long time. 

That is why our instinctual need to immediately fix this and drag her into a bunch of talks to show her how much you care does jack all to close the distance as fast as possible. 

That is the big underlying problem to that strategy due to those instincts, it does nothing to repair the connection with her. 

It feels like you’re casting a fishing line to try and catch her and pull her back into something she already started swimming away from.

And she will feel this pressure as you’re firing cast lines out there with different bait on on the hook:

• pushing for conversations
• trying to force clarity
• over-explaining yourself
• or trying to “prove” you’ve changed already or that you WILL

This will just make her want to swim as fast as possible in the other direction. 

YOU CAN’T PULL HER BACK INTO A VERSION SHE LEFT

Another huge problem is that you will spend so much time and energy trying to do those different things I just mentioned, and all of that effort (even if it DID work) is attempting to pull her back into the version of the relationship she already started to disconnect from. 

No amount of words or convincing is going to make that version suddenly feel good to her again because that version of the relationship is tied to old patterns, old dynamics, and old emotional experiences.

So when you try to reel her back in with the promise of change, you’re actually trying to revive something that already stopped working for her.

And she knows that and can feel it deep down (again, this disconnection didn’t happen overnight it was building up), so it doesn’t matter if you’re trying harder than ever if you're trying harder on the wrong things. 

Even if you’re trying harder than ever.

I told you that I would get into how you can break those old patterns that she experiences and open up the path to reconnecting with her, so let’s get into that. 

ATTRACTION RESPONDS TO CONTRAST

Why I emphasized the problem with trying so hard and putting all this effort just because you started to notice her pulling away is because attraction and emotional connection don’t respond to effort the way you think they do.

Attraction and emotional connection actually respond to contrast, meaning…

If she expects you to react a certain way…(which is the way you’ve shown up time and time again) and you show up differently, that is what will start to create the shift in how she experiences being around you. 

You don’t have to say the perfect thing. It is because you would no longer be showing up in the same predictable pattern she’s already disconnected from.

BREAK THE PATTERN SHE EXPECTS FROM YOU

Every relationship runs on patterns, and right now, whether you realize it or not… you and her are in a pattern.

And your pattern is most likely what I have mentioned in many other videos, what I call a reaction loop:

• She starts pulling away
• You panic and try to push for conversations, or you still don’t provide emotional safety for her
• She creates more distance
• You try harder thinking you have to because things are slipping away

And the loop basically continues until you’ve pushed her away. .

So if you keep doing your part of that pattern…the outcome will stay the same.

What actually creates change is when you stop playing your role in that cycle.

So for example…instaad of chasing after her and pushing her for resolution immediately if she is pulling away, remain centered and present without pressuring her. 

That change is what will help start to shift the dynamic, remember, I said she expects a certain pattern from you.  

Some additional things you should focus on to break that expected pattern in how she experiences you and start re-opening the path for connection are:

Being calm 

I know when you have all these emotions and fears running through you, this is easier said than done, but you have to start to be consistently calm by regulating your responses instead of reacting in fear. 

You cannot panic when she is pulling away, you will just reinforce the instability she is already feeling emotionally. 

Also…

Give her space as needed

Because she has to process what is going on with her emotionally, you give yourself a big leg up by allowing distance for her to do this without making it a problem.

And by making it a problem, I mean you stop trying to control how quickly things reconnect.

Start to get a bit comfortable with feeling uncomfortable if there is some space, let it exist. 

Finally, let's talk about your presence 

You stay engaged and be present with her but making sure you’re not adding any weight onto her emotions. 

So this means you are not pushing for outcomes and trying to extract reassurance out of her. 

Every interaction is not a green light for you to pull all the stops to try and get her back. 

You will be changing the emotional environment she is experiencing and that is exactly where you need to start if you want to reconnect. 

GET COMFORTABLE BEING UNCOMFORTABLE

I said something about a minute ago about allowing space to exist and starting to get comfortable being uncomfortable.

The truth is…this phase IS uncomfortable. Because you don’t get immediate feedback.

You don’t get any reassurance or a clear big highway billboard sign that flashes “it’s working” for you. 

So yes, it is an uncomfortable phase but it is a necessary phase if you want to turn things around in your relationship.

The truly sad part is that even a lot of men who start to clue into this being what they HAVE to do don’t have the discipline to be uncomfortable during this phase, so they revert to chasing and trying to force progress.  

Their constant need to see results right away, which is driven by fear, is exactly what causes them to choose actions that are sealing their divorce fate. 

Ultimately they end up pushing her away and it is unfortunately part of the reason we have a 50 or 60% divorce rate, with an added probably 20-25% of couples who are unhappy but not divorcing for a variety of their own reasons.

CHANGE THE DIRECTION SHE MOVES

If your wife is pulling away right now, you WILL not save your marriage by trying to chase her back.

You have to stop doing that immediately. 

.

Your job is to stop reinforcing the dynamic that made her start stepping back in the first place.

Because the more you try to pull her toward you…the more she’s going to feel like she needs to create space.

But if you can break the pattern she expects from you…when you become steady, grounded, and non-reactive…

The tension will start to ease and this is the only way to get her to become more open to re-engaging.

You have to change the way she experiences you in the relationship because clearly what you’re doing now is not working…but this absolutely will.

So if you want to learn the exact step-by-step system that truly works, and that I used to completely change my life and the lives of my clients, go watch my free Relationship Rebuild masterclass.

If you’re just dithering around hoping things will change or thinking the gift you bought her for her birthday coming up will soften things, you are wasting time and I promise you there is a way you can take control back.

I wish I could have an entire decade of heartbreak back where I was clueless on how to be the leader of a relationship and not understanding how women truly operate, but I don’t regret going through it because it has allowed me to figure it out and now help so many men just like you who are in one of the most difficult positions life can present to you.

If you’re not willing to keep gambling with your marriage… go watch that free masterclass now; the link is in the description and pinned comment below.

If you appreciate me making this type of content, go ahead and give the like button a tap and subscribe to the channel as well. 

I’ll see you in the next episode.