In today’s video, I want to show you why your wife can clearly see that you’re changing and still not believe the change is real. 

Because the problem may not be whether she notices what you’re doing, it may be what she thinks those changes are attached to. 

And if you misunderstand that, you can actually make yourself less believable while trying harder to prove that you’ve changed. 

SHE MAY SEE MORE THAN YOU THINK

When you are working feverishly to start making some changes to how you are showing up in your marriage because you realize things are really not in a good place, it is very easy to make the assumption that your wife is skeptical of your changes because she is so frustrated with you that she just doesn’t see anything you’re doing to change. 

You know what, sometimes that can be true. I am not going to lie to you…yes sometimes she can’t see anything you’re doing to change. 

But sometimes the exact opposite is true.

She does see that you are showing up a bit calmer in communication with her, and that you are asking some more questions, and showing that you suddenly care about things you did not seem to care about six months ago.

I was on a strategy call with a guy a couple weeks ago, he was applying for my coaching program and he was telling me how he had found my channel and watched my videos for about a week, week and a half before booking the call…

He started implementing some of the things I talk about in the videos, and he was shocked how almost instantly his wife noticed how he was acting different.

He honestly wasn’t even doing anything overly complicated, but just even subtly trying to be calmer when he was talking with her and taking a pause to not immediately react defensively to what she was saying.

She called him out and was like, what are you doing, who is this… I want my husband back. I want to talk to my husband.

He told her that he was just trying to be calm, not wanting to start fights, and try something different.

He ended up booking a call with me because he realized he needed to take ownership for how he had been in his relationship…

And aside from just those small communication adjustments in how he approached conversations with his wife, there actually was a lot more he had to learn so he can really transform into the man he wanted to be and what would ultimately help his marriage as well. 

I am not going to say his wife in particular was acting in resentment because she noticed how he was even just slightly acting differently, but in a lot of cases it is exactly what happens with your wife when you start to show up different.

She can see some of those changes and that may actually be part of what is stirring up resentment in her. 

Think about it from her side… 

If she asked you for years to listen more and you brushed it off, or has tried to share with you and it is always met with defensiveness and shutting her down, and then the relationship reaches a crisis point where she is saying she is done..

From your side it can feel like you finally woke up; obviously the pain and thinking about future loss rapidly approaching will wake you up.

From her perspective, it is basically a feeling of “Why now?”

It doesn’t mean what you’re doing is fake, or not waking up is better than waking up to start to make changes.

But timing has a pretty big impact on how people interpret behavior.

Like if you have a very slightly leaky roof for a few years (only slight drips whenever it is a massive rainstorm; which doesn’t happen often at all), and your wife keeps telling you about it but you brush it off. 

Then there is a huge storm and that part of the ceiling caves in and you suddenly become obsessed with fixing it, you can only imagine what your wife is thinking…why the hell didn’t you fix this before.  

The urgency makes total sense now that the roof has caved in on your relationship to a certain degree, but the trust does not automatically come with it.

Her brain may be asking a whole bunch of questions that make it very frustrating for you, and you probably don’t have an answer for. 

Like would all these changes or desire to change still be happening if she wasn’t on the brink of leaving, or is everything you’re doing or committed to doing just part of a panic rescue mission. 

So those are valid questions on her end, even if your intentions are true.

It is very important to understand  that the crisis that has seemingly emerged in your marriage can wake you up, but it cannot be your only fuel.

THE MARRIAGE CRISIS CANNOT BE YOUR ONLY FUEL

Obviously it’s no secret that a huge part of why you finally started paying attention is because you know your marriage is already in big trouble, or on the express train to more trouble. 

You clicked a video called How To Save Your Marriage When She Doesn’t Believe You’ll Change.

So I am not going to sit here and pretend that you should suddenly stop caring whether your marriage survives.

That would be ridiculous.

Crisis wakes people up. That is normal.

I talked a few videos ago about the wake up call my uncle had recently when he had a heart attack; so that crisis has made him drastically change his diet, wine intake, and cut out cigars on the golf course. 

An emergency is really good at waking you up, but it is terrible at being the only thing that keeps you going.

That is what can happen in a marriage crisis, fear gets you moving and hyper focused initially. 

But if fear is the only fuel behind the changes, then as soon as the emotional temperature shifts a little, your behavior can shift with it.

Your wife is warm one day and you feel encouraged; she is cold the next day and suddenly you are angry, confused, hopeless, or back to over-explaining everything.

That is when she starts thinking, “Okay. So this was attached to whether I gave him the reaction he wanted.”

And that is exactly what damages credibility.

The crisis can wake you up.

But at some point, the changes have to become yours.

STOP MAKING HER THE AUDIENCE FOR YOUR IMPROVEMENT

So one of the sneakiest traps to fall into that I have seen a lot is when a guy starts making good changes, but without realizing it, his wife becomes the audience for every one of them.

If you’re constantly looking over your shoulder to see whether she is giving you credit, you’re going to be in trouble with sustaining those changes. 

Think about the story I told you about the guy I was on a strategy call with, he changed a few minor things and she was already pointing it out and almost seeming resistant to them.

If he is looking for his wife to certify his changes, that reaction and what she even said to him about “wanting to talk to her husband” would discourage him from going down the path to becoming a better grounded leader.

If you’re waiting for her stamp of approval but there is a high probability she will be initially responding based on the confirmation bias she has because of how she has experienced you for so long in knowing you…

That stamp of approval will not give you an accurate depiction of the path you should be continuing to take to grow. 

TRY THIS TEST TO FOCUS ON YOUR CHANGES

Obviously you want her to notice your changes because ultimately you want to be better for your marriage and to save it, lead it to a much better place where you both have a great connection again. 

But the focus has to start at home, and by home I mean internally with you as a man and as a leader. 

So I want to give you a bit of a test to do with yourself moving forward to really understand how you need to commit to your changes.

Take the things you have changed recently, or if you literally just woke up today and said you need to make changes, take some of the things you have put on your list where you want to start from today to change and grow. 

Not all of them, just the main ones off your list first. 

And ask yourself a question:

If your wife gave you absolutely no credit for those changes for the next month, which of these changes would you still want to keep?

If your answer is all of them, then you are on the right path.

That is really the only right answer when it comes to wanting to grow into the man I know you can be. 

And if you answer that you’re committed to the changes no matter what, that is a great step in understanding that change is starting to become yours.

If the answer is still even slightly rooted in doing them because you need her to come back closer to you and reconnect, you’re not a bad guy but you will be making a mistake and I can promise you that you will not get the result you are hoping for down the line if that vulnerability in your strategy doesn’t change. 

WHEN CREDIBILITY ACTUALLY STARTS TO CHANGE

But if you really do want to make all those changes, I promise you your life will be changed.

And a big question I get asked initially when guys join my coaching program is some level of a timeline…

Like, “How long until she believes me?”

I do not know.

And anybody who tells you they know exactly how long it will take for your wife to trust you again is lying to you.

That is not how people work.

But I can tell you what starts to make credibility stronger.

It is when you stop obsessively checking whether the change is “working.”

And because you realized you want to be a better man overall and learn leadership skills for your relationship, at some point, it is going to kick in that you are just living differently because it makes sense to you.

That is when the change starts looking less like a campaign and more like your actual life.

The paradox is that you make your change more believable to her by needing less and less permission to keep living it.

She may still be skeptical and hold some anger or resentment.

She has that agency.

But now your growth is not rising and falling entirely with her mood and that is the strongest form of evidence you can give to start building back up the trust with her. 

HOW TO REALLY SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE

When you stop making “getting her to believe you” the job and really get  honest about what actually needs to change, you are giving her the freedom to form her own conclusion from what she experiences. 

What can get difficult at the start is really understanding what needs to change in you that will create real change in your life, including your marriage. 

That is where someone like myself comes in where I can accurately coach you to bring that awareness to why things have happened in your marriage to get to this point, and what you really have to do first. 

All those blindspots that I have worked through in my life over a decade of heartbreak with women, the hundreds of situations I have coached men through when they were going through something just like you.

That is what helps you time collapse your path to transforming yourself and your marriage to a place where you want them both to be. 

There is a world of noise out there that sends you down the wrong path in so many ways, but I believe in the world where the path starts right at home internally because it changed my life and helped so many other men so far.

So if you really want to cut out the noise and get a firm first step to understanding why the sequence of events in your marriage has taken place and you want to get pointed in the right path to take to save it, I encourage you to go watch my free Relationship Rebuild Masterclass.

It will help you start understanding what actually broke down in your marriage and what kinds of changes are actually worth focusing on instead of blindly trying everything.

You can watch that completely free through the link in the description and pinned comment below.

All it costs you is a bit of your time, but I can tell you it can completely change your perspective and get you to understand that if you don’t wait until it is too late, you can start making changes today that will impact the rest of your life. 

And if you have been making changes but your wife REALLY doesn’t seem to think anything has changed, I made a video about why you may be experiencing that right here…