Most men think the moment their wife says she wants out... it automatically means the marriage is over.

But the truth is, those words alone aren't what determine whether your marriage can actually be saved.

Those words tell you where your marriage is today...

They don't automatically tell you where it has to stay.

So in today's video, I'm going to show you what actually determines whether your marriage still has a path back, the three things your wife is quietly evaluating that you need to understand, and the one shift I've consistently seen separate the men who rebuild their marriages from the men who keep pushing their wife further away. 

THE POINT OF NO RETURN?

It can create a lot of fear to believe that your marriage is a point of no return where everything is over and going to slide right off the cliff for good. 

Your own thoughts can start to play stressful games like telling you that she said she wants out so you missed your chance, or she mentioned divorce so it is WAY too late now. 

I mean, hearing those words really makes it feel like it’s game over. The final buzzer sounded.

But what I've noticed is the very telling pattern that words themselves aren't what make a marriage unrecoverable.

Those words from her are really just a result of something that has been happening for a long time. 

If you have ever worked at a company you really disliked, or just a job in particular you ended up leaving. 

Most of the time you don’t just wake up on a random Wednesday and suddenly quit.

What really happens is that you go months feeling unheard by management or just overall frustrated, and you come to the realization that there is no reason for you to believe things are going to improve. 

Eventually you will get to a point where you imagine it being better somewhere else, and by the time you hand in your resignation it is a decision that has been building inside you for a while. 

When your wife says something along the lines that she wants out or is hinting at it, that is her telling you where her heart has already been heading for a long time. 

However, do not make the mistake of thinking that automatically means the destination of where her heart is headed can never change. 

What it does mean is that you have to be able to interrupt the direction she’s been traveling in. 

And this is the point where SO many guys actually accidentally accelerate her speed in the same direction rather than interrupt it and alter her course. 

Because instead of changing what she's experiencing they start spending their time arguing with the conclusion she’s already reached. 

Think about that…what she is really communicating is that she doesn’t think the relationship can make her happy anymore. 

And so many guys respond with their own version of basically telling her that it isn’t fair to say that and yes it definitely can make her happy.  

If you want to break it down, she is straight up saying “I don't think you really understand me" and most respond with brushing it off and saying of course I do.

It’s crazy when your eyes get opened to this stuff because I went in so many circles playing this role as a guy, but when my eyes were opened to the reality of things and how they work between men and women, it was life changing.

When you really dive into it, there are two COMPLETELY different conversations that are almost always happening between men and women. 

We get so focused on the logical side and try to convince her that things are not as she says, yet she is saying those things from her experience emotionally. 

These are completely different conversations, like not even close to the same.. 

If you can even just start by really understanding that you are speaking generally from logic and she is speaking from emotion, that is the first step to stop spending all of your energy solving the wrong issue. 

Because then your energy can go towards the better question, now that you know convincing logically doesn’t work, of “what is she trying to figure out to decide if she really wants out of the marriage?”

SHE ISN'T DECIDING WHETHER YOU LOVE HER

Well another big change to my own misunderstanding was I had to rid myself of the brainwashing we see in our favorite movies and tv shows. 

How many times have you watched movies and shows and it focuses on the woman wondering if the male interest loves her or not, and him trying to prove it to her and win her approval? 

Well here in the real world, your wife is not trying to answer the question "Does my husband love me?"

She knows you love her and that you'd do almost anything to save the marriage.

And she knows you're hurting and scared.

The missing puzzle piece for everything right now isn’t love…

Actually it’s funny… I had commented on some video a long time ago, almost a year ago, trying to help someone who made a comment and I got a notification a few days ago that somebody responded to me.

And he went on this diatribe about how “love is ALL you need and that is what is wrong with society today and these things are not worth it if she can’t see how much you love her”... and I saw he went on and on responding to someone else too.

I didn’t even bother responding because I used to think the exact same way and it wasn’t until I pulled myself out of the forest that I could see what reality is.

And unfortunately for that guy, he is just so set in his ways, but he is going to experience a lot of repetitive pain if he doesn’t change the way he thinks. 

Love is amazing but it is not the missing piece in this situation.

EXPERIENCE…is the missing piece. 

In many conversations I have with my coaching clients, and these are good guys…guys who genuinely want to make things better and really are putting in the effort to transform how they are showing up… 

Even though their situations are unique to them, there are a lot of common underlying patterns that come up.

They tell me things their wives have said to them, and there is often a theme of the wife feeling very unheard and like their husband doesn’t know them that well, or that the wife feels like he doesn’t listen to her. 

You can love her with all your heart (even if you get frustrated with her sometimes), and she can still be made to feel unseen. 

You can work hard for your family, yet your wife may still feel emotionally alone.

It would be a lot easier for us to fix things if we could just really show her how much we loved her, and things would naturally mend. 

But what she is really measuring is what life feels like beside you, not the size of your love for her or even her love for you. 

It is a difficult thing to hear for a lot of guys, I mean look at the guy I mentioned who responded to my comment. 

He believed love should be enough, and I get that is a natural thought and that should be all that counts. 

But intentions and impact are not the same. 

So then, the real question is how do you know what she is actually paying attention to?

And the answer to that is actually quite simple, and probably the most important part of this video.

THREE QUESTIONS SHE'S QUIETLY ASKING HERSELF

There are basically three main questions she is quietly asking herself that have nothing to do with “Does he love me?" or not.

The first question she’s asking herself is this.

Can I finally relax around him?

The key word in that  question is relax. Now I want you to notice the word I used.

Not necessarily laugh or smile (although those are both great as well) but first and foremost, relax. 

If your relationship has been under pressure for a long time it becomes a lot easier for her to stop relaxing around you in the sense that they are almost subconsciously waiting for the next disagreement or emotional reaction. 

So for her it is all about relaxing because she can experience emotional predictability. 

Is she able to settle when she is with you because she trusts your leadership and how you will show up as a man. 

That is what all about relaxing into you is.

Okay the second question she's quietly asking herself is

Does this actually feel different... or is this just another temporary effort?

Pay very close attention to this one, because this one is very relevant to almost every guy going through this.

Most men become incredibly motivated once they realize the marriage is in trouble.

You want to do anything they can to fix their marriage so even if you read a few books or watched a couple videos, or even got some counseling for help and then tried to implement it, you probably experienced something a bit jarring.

And that is…it did not work very well. 

That is because from her perspective, she is used to a certain you that has shown up for so long that internally she has NO idea who this person is trying to be.

Thus, what she is really asking is how long will this new version of you last?

And can you really blame her subconscious for asking that?

Trust grows a lot slower than panic does so you cannot measure your progress of trying to save your marriage by one conversation. 

The real measuring stick has to be the one where you measure your own growth as a man over the next bunch of months. 

That is the MOST important thing for you. 

And finally, the third question she is asking herself is “Can I stop carrying this relationship by myself?

Because we talked about her feeling unseen and unheard earlier, she is going to feel emotionally exhausted and like she has talked to a wall this entire relationship.

That may sound a bit drastic but if she has been always explaining things to you or asking for the same things, or getting to a point where she just complains a lot about stuff, she is going to give up thinking that anything will ever change.

She will basically reach the point where she does not care about another promise, she just wants some relief from that same emotional exhaustion and she really is looking to feel heard. 

And this is where it gets interesting because you can say “Okay Jeff... I understand what she's looking for now. But if she's already decided she wants out... how does any of this actually change her mind?"

Well the answer to that is probably very different than you expect.

YOU CAN'T ARGUE HER CONCLUSION THAT TOOK YEARS TO REACH

Think about watching your favorite sports team for ten years.

Year after year, the same problems, the same disappointments.

If you want some relatability, I am in my 40s and I have been a Maple Leafs fan my whole life. They haven’t won the Stanley Cup since 1967, nor have they even made the final. 

Every year my friends and I, when we make a great signing or like this year have the first overall pick in the draft, joke around about how things are going to change.

But do we seriously believe that?

Hell no. My repeated experience season after season since I was born has been either not making the playoffs or (in very rare occasions) max getting to the conference finals. 

So when your wife says she doesn’t think she can do this anymore, that was built through living the same repeated experiences season after season with you. 

She is reacting to the story that has been writing itself for a long time. 

That's why trying to argue with the conclusion she has come too emotionally will basically never work.

What you have to do is ask yourself “what would have to become true for staying to genuinely feel different to her than her previous experience tells her it would”?

BECOME IMPOSSIBLE TO DESCRIBE WITH YOUR OLD STORY

And the most generic answer to that question is, well you have to become a different man. 

What does that mean, right? It is very generic and almost sounds too obvious, so I will give you some examples to guide your thought process towards the right direction. 

But what you really want to do is become impossible to be described by the old story of you in her head.

Maybe she shares something with you one day and instead of jumping in with advice (or while you are listening to her speak you are already preparing a rebuttal)...you just listen and stay curious.

Maybe she gets frustrated really quickly now because her fuse is very short, and instead of matching her emotion you stay calm without becoming cold towards her..

Maybe you remember something she mentioned two weeks ago, because you were genuinely paying attention to her this time. 

These aren’t those magical Oscar nominated dramatic movie scenes professing love, but these little moments are what actually work because they begin to tell her subconscious a different story about you. 

This is what starts to create safety for her and, especially if you listen to her and pay attention to what she is saying, starts to make her feel like the person she shares her life with actually notices her.

That's thoughtfulness, and showing that you’ve been paying attention to her. 

So I want to leave you with something very important…

IF SHE WANTS OUT, REMEMBER THIS

Your wife telling you she wants out, or you just sensing things are in a very bad state…

I know how frightening that feels and it makes your stomach drop and your mind starts racing.

You start to think the clock is running out very fast and begin treating every day like it's your last opportunity to save the marriage.

That is the exact cause that makes you start doing things that add pressure to her, and makes it even harder for you to become the calm, grounded leader your relationship actually needs.

Your wife's decision today tells you how she experiences the relationship today.

It does not automatically tell you what she'll experience six months from now.

You can save your marriage if your wife wants out, but it will happen because reality slowly stops matching the story she's been carrying about the relationship.

I've seen marriages recover after wives were talking about divorce.

I've seen marriages recover after months of emotional distance and she said she doesn’t have any feelings left.

I've even seen marriages recover after they were already divorced but the grass wasn’t greener on the other side. 

But those marriages recovered because the relationship gradually became a different experience than the one she wanted to leave.

So if you stop focusing on trying to change her decision, and instead, focus on becoming a self-confident man who can show up with leadership when she experiences you, then you're doing the one thing that actually gives your marriage its greatest opportunity to heal.

JOIN MY FREE MASTERCLASS

That is the power of being able to learn these leadership skills in your relationship. 

So if you want the best path to learn all of the skills that truly matter and will start to grow that reconnection as soon as you start implementing them, go check out my free Relationship Rebuild masterclass. 

It will give you the step-by-step process that I used to change my life, and the one my coaching clients use to transform into the leader that helps them reconnect with their wife.

If the masterclass resonates with you, towards the end of it you will have the option to book a free strategy call to apply for my coaching program.

When we work together in the program, we will take your unique situation and set you down the pathway to reconnection with the skills that really work. 

So go watch that free masterclass today by clicking the link in the description or pinned comment below.

And If this video resonated with you, you should also learn  why emotional safety is one of the biggest factors behind all of the success you will have in your relationship.

To do that, click on this video right here…