Most men have been told at some point in their life that “Women just want to feel emotionally safe.” 

The problem is, most men also have absolutely no idea what this actually means. So what they hear and think is:

“Okay… if she wants to be emotionally safe, I will just be nicer, I’ll agree more, And I’ll stop rocking the boat so she doesn’t get upset and feels safe.”

But when you do that, what happens?

She respects you less. She opens up less. She trusts you less. And your frustration level goes through the roof. 

Here’s the truth unfortunately most men don’t have the luxury of hearing:

 Emotional safety isn’t about softness or agreeability. It’s about stability.
It’s not just “I love you.” It’s “I love you — and I won’t collapse.”

Women don’t open up to nice men, which is why we always hear the term nice guys finish last. 

Women open up to grounded men. Calm. Steady. Loving with a backbone.

In this video I am going to break down how to create emotional safety the right way and help you understand the real reason why nice guys finish last. 

Before I break this down… if your marriage feels tense and is inching closer to the brink of divorce, go and watch my free masterclass that goes even deeper into these shifts and will show you exactly how men who feel completely lost save their marriage and maintain it in a thriving state. 

Click on the link in the description to watch that masterclass for free today.

Now. let’s get into today's topic of emotional safety. 

What Emotional Safety Actually Is

Let’s redefine this properly.

As I mentioned in the intro, most men think that providing emotional safety for their woman means:

• Avoiding conflict, 
• Never saying anything upsetting to her and tiptoing around her
• “Being there” whenever she needs
• Letting her lead when she’s upset
  
  

None of those create any safety. In fact, those are really just submitting to a weak beta position that just wants to not do anything wrong for fear of making things worse with their wife. 

While this is the type of behavior from men we see normalized ALL over movies and in sitcoms, this is actually a repellent to a woman’s attraction in real life. 

This submission type behavior is actually felt by your wife deep down. She feels that you have abandoned any leadership in the relationship when you act that way. 

So get that definition of emotional safety out of your head.

Here’s the real definition:

Emotional safety = predictability of your nervous system.

During all the times she is being vulnerable with you and sharing emotionally, she’s not asking:

“Will he fix this for me?”

What she’s really asking is:

“When I get emotional… does he hold steady, or does he freak out with me?”

Women don’t trust words. They trust energy. So if your mood changes based on her mood and how she is being emotionally… she can basically never relax into you.

But if she knows internally that you don’t panic when she does, and that you don’t get incredibly defensive when she vents, this will have an impact on her nervous system to the point where she feels safe and can exhale around you. 

This is a big piece of the attraction building puzzle. 

Why “Being Nice” Backfires

One of my detriments when I was struggling in my love life for a long time was being too much of a nice guy. 

The phrase nice guys finish last is true, and it is not because women intentionally go out there to take advantage of nice guys (although obviously there are low character women out there that might), but it’s more about being too nice and giving in to women comes off as being weak, and internally women do not feel safe with that. 

That is why so often you see women say they don’t understand why they always go after the “bad boy”, for lack of a better term, and can’t understand why they don’t like the “nice guy”. 

It’s because instinctively, women like a challenge so if you just give in to everything, attraction dissipates. That doesn’t mean be difficult just for the sake of it, but it means not giving in to your own values. 

Here are 3 common nice guy mistakes that men thing help make her feel safe, but actually does the opposite: 

# 1. Over-validating everything (“You’re right, you’re right”)

This is where you basically just give in and go with the “happy wife happy life” notion. 

It’s basically saying “you’re right, you’re right” to everything your wife says or suggests (even if you don’t agree) because logically you think that if you are agreeing with everything she says, you are providing maximum support possible to her needs and she can’t possibly feel unsafe if you’re validating everything she does or says.

The reality: over-validating everything with her doesn’t give her emotional safety, internally it actually makes her feel unled. 

The 2nd common nice guy mistake:  Asking your woman  “What’s wrong?” like 20 times in a row. 

So I get when you do this, it  looks like you’re showing you care, and I also understand that you probably do. BUT when you badger her and keep asking what’s wrong just because you see her in a mood, you’re now throwing pressure onto her shoulders to perform emotionally.

There is a way to go about it when you’re trying to find out what's wrong, but when you ask that AND also couple it with “is there something I did or said?” you’re immediately displaying insecure behavior. 

If you want to find out what’s wrong, you have to show her you steady groundedness and let her know if something is wrong you’re there to hear it when she’s ready. 

And the 3rd nice guy mistake, Avoiding truth to “keep the peace”. 

You think conflict is dangerous so you never say how you really feel about anything for fear of upsetting her and getting into a fight. 

Now I am not saying conflict is great, but what I am saying is we are human so clearly you and your wife will have times where you don’t think the same thing or agree to something, and that’s okay. 

If she knows your true feelings about a certain topic but you start just agreeing with her so you don’t get into an argument, she's going to know you’re betraying your own backbone. Respect and attraction starts to disappear the more you do that. 

Safety doesn’t become stronger from “no conflict.” It comes from there are times conflict may arise and you hold with calm, respectful stability. 

If she disagrees with you and snaps… and you stay calm, own your own truth, and set healthy boundaries if she is treating you outside your values?

That’s when she starts to realize that she is safe to feel… without having to protect you. And, you are commanding respect and to be treated in a better way. 

How to Actually Create Emotional Safety (Love + Spine) 

Let me give you a quick formula that is easy to remember, and unfortunately so many men either don’t have ever or have at the beginning of their marriage or relationship, but lose slowly over time:

Love + Spine = the Creation of emotional safety. 

You can also say it another way, which is Support + Standards = Creation of emotional safety.  

What these mean is having you being able to have  Emotional Availability without Emotional Dependency. You’re not dependent on her being in a good mood for you to show up with standards and being calm.

It also means understanding her without over-accommodating. This is going back to being the overly nice guy just trying to accommodate her or make her feel safe by not ruffling any feathers. 

There was one woman I dated when I was younger and she used to get so frustrated with me because I was so overly-nice and accommodating, to the point where she had to keep telling me to stop (and I just did not understand attraction and how women respond), and when she told me I would start apologizing. 

That obviously just made me look incredibly weak and beta, so things did not last much longer after that. 

When I look back now I just laugh, knowing what I know, because she was so into me but just could not get past how beta and “nice” I was being, her attraction disappeared and she was frustrated by that. I didn’t know what I didn’t know. 

That segues into the last point I wanted to make here, which is you can be warm and playful with her, but you have to drop the weakness. 

So similarly to the story I just told you, you want to be warm, positive, and playful but you don’t want to show up as weak, beta, and overly accommodating. 

What Happens When You Show Up Like This 

So what happens when you change your behavior and how you show up?

Well At first? She might test it. Not might, actually, she will 100% test it. Women are always testing you, whether knowingly or subconsciously, and the more you show up in the correct manner the less frequent those tests happen.

When I was showing up very nice and over-accommodating to that one woman, when I think back, she was 100% testing me and acting bitchy to me a few times because she was dying for me to stand up for myself and show masculine leadership, and instead I collapsed and apologized. 

It was a complete failure on my part and ultimately was the catalyst to send that relationship into the garbage bin.

So when you’re lady is testing you, she isn’t trying to be difficult, her nervous system is trying to understand if the new you who is showing up as a grounded leader is real, or just another phase or gimmick. 

If you collapse like I did upon being tested, it’s going to tell her that it is an act and there is still no safety being provided by you. You are not a true leader. 

But if you have the discipline to grow, get better at showing up with these leadership skills, that consistency is what builds back trust in your wife’s heart. 

And that is when you will see her slowly start to share more, open up more, and you will notice changes in how she is around you or how she looks at you. 

This is her guard lowering, and it has nothing to do with her deciding to lower her guard, it’s natural because you’re showing up consistently in the way that a woman’s nervous system responds to in a positive way. 

Conclusion

So if this video clicked for you…If you’re listening and realizing 

“Yeah… I’ve been loving her… but without that backbone, and that is why my relationship is suffering right now”

Then don’t just hope this sticks, let me show you exactly how to live this out daily.

Click the link in the description to watch my  free Relationship Rebuild masterclass. 

In it, I’ll walk you through the exact steps men on the brink of divorce use to save their marriage through proper leadership.

I had to learn the hard way that men are not taught how to lead in their marriage and relationships, but when you learn these skills you will completely change your life and the best part is you don’t need to get your wife to agree to go to any therapy sessions or counselling, you can take the initiative and do it all on your own.

So click the link and watch that free masterclass now. 

I hope you enjoyed this video, if you did please hit the like button and subscribe to the channel.

I’ll catch you guys in the next episode.